Things I hate

Posted: June 23, 2009 in Uncategorized

We’re going to start a new subtopic here in St. Randyland. It’s called Things I Hate. I know it’s unfashionable these days to be a hater, but part of my remarkable success is that I’m contracyclical. with that said, here are some things I hate today

1. Ed Hardy T-shirts. Because nothing says douchebag like your perfect combination of Ed Hardy T-Shirt, Ed Hardy trucker hat, shiny tattoos, and the overwhelming stench of Axe body spray that follows you around like flies on African children. God, I want to punch you

You gellin? Yeah, Im Gellin! Gellin like a Douchemelon!

You gellin? Yeah, I'm Gellin! Gellin like a Douchemelon!

Stole this from made me angry inside,

2. Perez Hilton’s Bitchassness. Bitch, you got slapped. For talking out the side of your neck and then calling a man a f*ggot.. A suicide bomber didn’t decimate your family. Your little sister wasn’t sodomized by R. Kelley. Bernie Madoff didn’t steal all your money. Ahmedinijad didn’t steal your vote and have his goons beat you in the street like a dog. You just got slapped. As you deserved to. And now you want to make videos and tweets and shit about it like it was something more than a bitch getting slapped. Bitches get slapped every day for talking out the side of their neck. And John Mayer pwned you by the way. Pwned you.

Hey Tweeps! Gettin my ass whipped for talkin shit. Can someone call the po-pos?

Hey Tweeps! Gettin' my ass whipped for talkin shit. Can someone call the po-po's?

Watch the Hilarious Huffington post video here

3. Those black riot police motorcycles. I hate them shits. Every time you see one of them nasty 450cc not quite off road but not quite streetbike motherfuckers, you know someone’s gonna get beat. Especially when they’re being piloted by someone from the Middle East. This isn’t to speak ill of people from the Middle East at all. I loved You Don’t Mess With the Zohan and its message of tolerance. But I’m just saying. If you eat hummus three times a day AND have one of these black riot motorcycles, statistically speaking, chances are good, you have oppressed someone’s human rights within the last three days. If you also happen to own an electrified baton, well, those chances go up to about 100% that you’re either beating or raping someone who can’t protect themselves right now. Or celebrating your latest beat and rape with some hummus. Not tryna get racial, just saying.

God, why cant Perez Hilton be on the other side of that baton?

God, why can't Perez Hilton be on the other side of that baton?

4. Class Mixing. For fuck’s sake. Can’t we have anything of our own? First you overran Black College Spring Break and turned it into Freaknic. Then you took over damn Sequoia’s every Sunday and make them run out of Heineken and Hennessy every single weekend. You tried that shit at Martha’s Vineyard last year, too, didn’t ya? Ha. See if you’ll try that shit again. Can’t you people just stay on the South side of whatever city it is you live in and enjoy your weekends and holidays dodging crime there? You don’t see us trying to take over Deno’s or the Blue Flame? We respect that that’s your place. Can we not have the same decency from you all?

Ah, Ace of Spades. A touch of class.

Ah, Ace of Spades. A touch of class.

Actually, this provides a lovely segue into my next blog about class warfare. Stay tuned, it’ll be fun

  1. SIgh..

    You are going straight to hell I want you to know.

    On the class mixing


    Yeah, Memorial Weekend in Miami…I was in school there when it first started…it was a BIG difference after a few years…

    Play Date where I’m at..same thing. I agree, it is a pain in the ass…

    On Perez Hilton

    John Mayer got in that ass good…that ish was so funny i ahd to ReTweet it…lol

    You’re going to hell for the motorbike alone though, I just want you to understand

  2. Tara says:

    OMG, why was I just thinking “Can’t we have anything of our own? ” last night?!! LOL!I live in Obamaland (Hyde Park – Chicago) and I swear as soon as the temperature hits 70 degrees, the hood takes over the lakefront!!! It’s like a totally different scene in the summer…think of the difference between the most ghetto season of College Hill vs. Harlem Heights. The area residents can barely find a parking space (and are afraid to go outside) after 9 p.m. due to all the parking lot pimpin… I understand it’s the nicest area on the southside but DAMN!

    Yeah…you were kinda wrong for those motorbike comments, but it was funny…(SBW, does that mean I’m going to hell for laughing? LOL!!)

  3. hypnotic says:

    I totally don’t get some of your class warfare references, it was hilarious all the same.

  4. @Tara if you’re going to hell for laughing I will be right there with

    I’m going to add an * to the class mixing bit…

    It’s not simply the class you’re from but the class you identify with. I know one too many “I was born and raised in the mean streets of Maryland’s suburbs, but I claim the hoods of DC” set.

    These are middle and upper middle class kids/adults who act like they straight from the projects as if that proves how “black” they are.

    They bad as the actual hood set.


  5. TheSweetestThing says:

    I’m crackin up at the class thing and Freaknic, did it once, that was plenty. In order to separate the classes you have to hit em in the pockets, plain and simple.

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