Archive for June, 2009

The Mother Hen Commercial

“I’m in my Cool Whip, inside Jell-O”

Hop up out that pretty muthafucka, like ‘Hello’

‘Hello’

‘Hello, ladies, how you doooooin’

‘That n**** crazy girl, don’t say nothing to him'”

Ladies, how many times has some variation of this happened to you? You’re in a social setting, having a conversation with a gentleman. The conversation might be going somewhere. It might not. It might be too early to tell. But there’s at least the glimmering spark of potential.

And then it is dashed as your homegirl swoops in and announces that “she needs you” or “She has to tell you something privately” or “We’re leaving.” The aforementioned gentleman stands there shell shocked, like a 17 year old private whose Hummer was just hit by an IED. Yes, this is a problem for us as men, but oftentimes, it’s an even bigger problem for you as women. Your friend is actively limiting the number of men you can meet and hopefully, have some kind of fulfilling relationship with. Why in the freak would someone who calls you their friend do this to you, you ask? Simple:

1. They think they’re protecting you. They automatically assume that this guy is beneath you and you don’t want to talk to him. He’s too short, too fat, or she just seented him talking to another girl. He looks broke. His shoes weren’t Ferragamo. Yes, these women are your own female version of Captain Save-A-Ho and they’ll stop at nothing to protect you from the unwanted advances of some sorry brother. Or any brother, for that matter.

2. They’re jealous of the attention. This may be conscious or subconscious. Women constantly measure their worth and value against other women’s. So when a guy is talking to a woman that’s not them, she immediately wonders, “what’s wrong with me.” This may not be a guy they’re even remotely interested in, but they want this guy to still be attracted to them nonetheless. Some women tke great pride and joy in shooting men down. So when Rayfus is off chatting you up instead of her, that green eyed monster comes out hard. Especially since she wore the cute dress that makes her butt look big. Don’t let her be the one who thinks she’s the cutest girl in your crew. She’s definitely not having you steal her shine. Her coming over and interfering is often an attempt to put the attention back on her just as much as it is her being angry that you’re getting some holleration.

3. She doesn’t want to lose you. Women know that once you get in a relationship, all those girls’ nights out and 7 hour bitchfests about men come to an end. You have a tight little crew that has sooooooo much fun together. If one of you actually gets a dude, there’ll be no more time to wallow in the misery of man-bashing and cathartic shopping for slutty outfits to attract new men. Misery loves company, and if this guy actually does lock you down, that’s one less miserable bitch to share the sadness with.

4. She’d rather be right than happy. A lot of women haven’t had good luc in relationships. Rather through their faults or the faults of the guys they’ve dated, they’ve become pretty jaded about the whole thing. So if you can’t get any satisfaction from relationships with men, what’s the next best thing? Getting satisfaction from being wanted and then rejecting the suitor. I have a theory that this is one of the reasons some black women seem especially mean when they reject a dude’s advances. It’s not just a “sorry, but I’m taken” or a polite let-down, it’s a firm attemt to demean and dismiss someone else who’s shown interest. As such, I have seen a couple women get slapped in the club after getting particularly out of pocket. I certainly don’t condone ever using violence against women, but in both of these situations, I kinda saw the escalation on the woman’s part leading to something bad happening pretty quickly. It’s sort of like a high school bully way to get some self-confidence, and as shown before, it can have some seriously bad consequences.

So how do you go about stopping this behavior. Here’s a few tips for both the ladies and the guys

Ladies:

1. Talk to her about it privately. You’re friends, you shouldn’t have to pussyfoot around an issue that’s bothering you. And it’s just as likely as not that your friend doesn’t realize she’s doing something you don’t like. In all ll truth, if she’s a savior, she probably thinks she’s doing you a favor. If she’s an attention whore, she might think that you’ll just sit idly by and let her bully your suitors away. It might not be a pretty conversation but if you’re legit friends, it should be said.

2. Set expectations before you go out. Let your friends know: You’re going out tonight to have a good time. You’re an adult and you can handle yourself around men without a whole lot of interference. If necessary, come up with an “extraction flare”: a signal that yes, you really do need to be saved from Gold tooth Ronriguez with the Orange linen outfit in winter. Cut the ambiguity out of it. If you shoot the flare, your friends are allowed to swoop in like Blackhawk helicopters, lay down some cover fire, and get you back to base. if no signal, they waive off.

3. Solo missions. If you have a friend who’s an unbashed hater, go out with them, but strike off on your own at some point. You really don’t need to be under them ho’s for every second you’re at a party/event. No one’s going to get assraped if you just take a stroll around the club by yourself for ten minutes or so to check out the scene. Agree to meet back at the bar at whatever time or just send them a text when you want to get the posse back together.

4. Stand up for yourself. Samuel L. Jackson is not only one of my favorite actors, but I believe him to be wise and sage. So if you’re getting good conversation from a guy and Hatey McHaterson comes swooping in, TELL THAT BITCH TO BE COOL! You don’t need to cause a scene or get into it with your friend, just a “hold on a second” or “give me a minute” id fine. If she’s pressing the issue, understand that she’s disrespecting you and your conversation. Be firm, look her in the eye, and repeat that she needs to wait a minute. You’re her friend, not her lackey, and as such there needs to be a mutual respect there which she should understand.

Fellas:

1. A good wingman Contrary to popular opinion, a good wingman is usually less the high-flying fancy Top Gun F-22 type.

Ol top gun ass wingman

Ol' top gun ass wingman

You need a dirty, down in the mud, A-10 Warthog kinda dude.:

Die, Haters, Die!

Die, Haters, Die!

Just a dude that will mix it up with anybody. It helps if he has either no pride or a bulletproof ego. He’ll take abuse and assault form the meanest, lowliest, trunk monkey and spit it right back to her. This gives you time to complete the mission while he keeps the hater insurgents at bay.

2. Tell that bitch to be cool. I wouldn’t necessarily use the phrase, “Bitch Be Cool,” but it’s perfectly alright to assert yourself and let hateful friend know that she’s interrupting YOUR conversation and you will not tolerate rudeness and disrespect. Women are amazingly compliant to men who demand respect in an authoratative but not belligerent manner. You’re not trying to start a fight in a public place, but it’s perfectly fine to request that you finish up your conversation, and then you all can go about your merry way.

3. Disqualify her. Sometimes you just have to let it go. And it’s perfectly fine to tell a woman that while you would be interested in her, you think her friends are boorish and disrespectfu and you’re not going to deal with that. And then bounce. The world is small. It’s not unlikely you’ll see this chick again and when you do, you’ll have set the expectation that you’re not gonna put up with any 8th grade bulshit.

Happy Macking!


It all started with a cheap date

It all started with a cheap date

As I mentioned before, one of my favorite blogs is DABA girls, because in general, there’s nowhere else on the web you can get hardcore gold-diggers coming out to lament their state. The fact that they take this so seriously just makes it such a great read. However, every now and then, they get off their high horse of narcissism and leechery to provide some real tidbits of advice. Like this one, on cheap dates. If you read the last post, you pretty much can tell my position on getting to a woman’s heart by “putting it in the bag.” So here’s a couple less taxing ways. Can’t promise it’ll get you Claudia Jordan (the light skined chick in the video) but can’t promise you it won’t either. This is pretty NY-centric, so please feel free to aff what’s hot in your town. These are actually great for dudes to know, so in the spirit of Bougie Black Macking Week, have at it!

We decided to talk about affordable dating tips because just a season ago, a first date could easily run over $300. It would begin with a three course dinner at one of New York’s nicest restaurants, after-dinner drinks as a swanky lounge, and flowers delivered to your office desk the next day (in all likelihood arranged by your date’s administrative assistant). Being taken on such an extravagant date in the current economic climate is not only unrealistic, it would cause unnecessary financial stress for everyone involved – we spent as much (if not more) on our outfits for these pre-recession dates.  This doesn’t mean your dating life should now be reduced to watching a movie while sitting in someone’s living room joint kitchen joint bedroom.  New York is full of spots that are light on the wallet and heavy on romance.  And remember, above all, women appreciate it when men put effort into planning a date.  So don’t think of these dates as being “affordable” but as being “thoughtful.”

Here are all of the tips since some didn’t make the minute thirty segment.

XO L

Tip #1: Go BYOB

-Alcohol can really run up your tab at a restaurant, which is why BYOB is the way to go. Our personal favorite is Ivo and Lulus, located on Broome and Varick. Everything on the menu ranges from $12-$15, the duck pate is unmatched, the corkage fee non-existent, and the ambiance is romantic.  We also highly recommend Big Wong on Mott street in Chinatown, namely for their lobster with pan-fried noodles and lack of florescent lighting. Average dinner: $30 at either restaurant + wine ($12) = $43

DC no corkage fee list

Atlanta no corkage fee list

Tip #2: Take her for a ride

-Take the Staten Island Ferry around the Statue of Liberty. The ride is free and the view breathtaking. Although we don’t recommend bringing food on the trip, least your date get sea sick, packing a picnic for your final destination is a nice touch.   While we recognize the difficulty in pulling off a picnic in a non-cheesy fashion, we’re confident that as long as you don’t pack a basket full of heart shaped quiches, you can pull it off with your manhood intact. ($12) Bottle of wine + ($3) baguette + ($8) brie = $23

Tip #3: Give Her Some Sugar

–  As a former pastry sous-chef at Le Cirque, the creator of the dessert truck, Jerome Chang, knows better than to come between a woman and a sweet tooth craving.  The dessert truck serves fabulous desserts – all under $5. Our favorites are the warm chocolate bread pudding and vanilla crème brulee. Locating the dessert truck is half of the fun, but if you need some help you can check out his website, www.desserttruck.com, for his whereabouts.  Often spotted near Washington Square Park, eating dessert by the fountain in the park will undoubtedly set the mood.  Warning: although you are likely to encounter live music by the fountain, don’t bank on it being violins.

Tip #4: Go on an trip

– If you have a whole day take the A train up to the Cloisters, which has a suggested donation of $20 per person.  Explore the museum and lounge around afterward in the garden.  Another great city escape is the funky and fun Mark Bar in Greenpoint, Brooklyn complete with pool, darts, and bingo on Wednesday nights. Beers are $3 and the menu includes pigs in a blanket for $5 and mac and cheese for $6.

Tip #5: Show Her a Secret Side of You

-Women love feeling privy to special information, hence our fondness for gossip and secrets. Introduce her to your favorite dive bar or neighborhood restaurant.  It’s not just a sandwich place, it’s your favorite sandwich at the deli your grandfather used to take your to.  We’re fond of New York mainstay Katz’s Deli, where you can sit at the When Harry Met Sally table and daydream with your date about how the two of you are going to recount the “how we met story” at your wedding.  Two Katz’s pastrami sandwiches ($15) + 2 root beer floats ($4) = $38

Tip #6

This is one of my own, but luxury hotels are great. You get all the ambience and service of a luxury hotel without having to pay an arm and a leg to stay there. Plus, you can spend hours just people watching, and since people who stay in hotes tend to be weird, it’s super fun. The Mandarin Oriental in DC has a live jazz singer on Saturdays and the drinks aren’t ridiculously priced. And they have a nice big private garden outside with benches where you can go make out when you’re all good and tipsy. The W New York is doing Summer Sundays where you can go and hang out in one of their Ridiculous Suites or whatever they call them) on Sunday if you’re on the list. Hopefully, the DJ’s better than last time I went. And any Ritz-Carlton will always do. Also, the Inter-Continental in Atlanta DOES NOT fuck around with their patron pours. I swear they poured half the bottle in my glass last time I was there.

Final Tip: Make a call

– If you really want to sweep her off her feet – call her the next day and tell her what a good time you had.  Note, we said call, not text or email!  Calling the next day instead of playing it cool and waiting 2 or 3 days will show her that you are confident.  Trust us, recession or no recession, women definitely respond to confidence. Phone call: $0

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It’s this kind of monkey shit that keeps black folks on the bottom of the economic totem pole. Seriously, the worst recession since the Great Depression, and you’re rapping about buying tacky bags and jewelry while some stereotypical light skinned video chick steals stuff? WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE GET IT? And don’t get me wrong, I like Loso. That “Let the beat build” freestyle was hard: “Money talks, ni**a, and don’t nobody hear ya; Rims big, midgets use em for a body mirror.”But even Killa Cam came down with some recession reality:

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I hope this Throw it in the Bag shit goes wood. I’m not hating: I just think this represents the worst not only in terms of the materialism that has been sold to black people, but in terms of the dating dynamic: Light skinned, blond haired girl + high-school educated trick = desirable relationship.

“Oh you got a man, you need a richer one” Get the fuck on!

In other ignorant hip-hop news, I love this shit: It reminds me of being smoked out watching Streets is Watching and eating ramen noodles back in college. The cousin reminds me of Devin the Dude too

Vodpod videos no longer available. Vodpod videos no longer available.

So the response was pretty much evenly divided. A few women actually admitted that some of their sisters (not them, of course) were so interested in the flashing lights that it would be to my benefit to be a bit ostentatious. It’s not that they necessarily think badly of these women. they’re not bad people, it’s just they’ve grown accustomed to certain things and like the trappings of success. They’re still educated, kind, do-right women. They’re just more attracted to 43mm Cartier Roadsters than they are to Swatches.

And who am I to really fault them for that. I’m a kind, educated do-right guy. And I’m more attracted to big butts and small waists than I am the converse. Doesn’t make me a bad guy. You could argue a little shallow, but hey, I like what I like.

A couple people blew me up for even making the claim that “some” women are into a little flash. They argued that those that would be swayed by cars, suits, botle service, etc, were just the kind of young and dumb status-chasers that I should be avoiding at all cost, no matter how cute and stout-butted they are.

So I decided to look back on my own general past and see what I could surmise from my own experience. So here it goes:

When I came out of college, I was making pretty much nothing. I started as a temp at a banking outfit and they liked me enough to hire me full time. it was a great entry=level position with a wonderful boss. And it paid terribly. I moved into my mom’s basement. Hot as hell in the summertime and cold as a witch’s titty in winter. But from a dating standpoint, I did just fine.

When I first moved to the city, I started dating an ex investment banker who worked for a major finance company. She was smart as the day is long, beautiful, and sarcastic. Just my type. She probably made double or triple what I made, had a luxury car, and a beautiful apartment. We fell apart because I think she was worried that I wasn’t as into her as she was into me. She was wrong, but nonetheless, it kiled the relationship.

After her, I dated a gorgeous slim chocolate older woman who had a child, and boobs the size of my head. It was exasperating taking her out because people (especially older white men, go figure) stared at her to no end. I came very close to fighting a couple guys over them leering at her. She was sweet and kind, picked up the bill at about the same rate I did, and was overall a great person. She could have done much better than me. She wanted to be exclusive, but I didn’t really see a future with someone in her mid 30’s with a child at that point.

I got a new job and briefly dated one of those wannabe urban model chicks who I met at a friend’s barbecue. The friend has postgrad degrees from MIT and Harvard, so I was a little surprised by the intellectual level of this one. Cute as all get-out but dumb as a brick. Not even the regular bricks, like the slow, chipped bricks that have to take the short bus to the construction site. But agan, she had tons of options much flashier than me. The modelish chick had a little Benz coupe her ex had bought her. I was driving a company Ford Taurus at this point. We went to the opening of some club once, and they were tripping on letting me in cause I had jeans on. She made a call to her “friend” to have him get us at the door. Her friend was a well known NFL wide receiver with a diamond chain that weighed about what I did. She came home with me that night. I found out later that he was the ex that bought her the car.

About the same time, I started dating another brighter woman, and pretty quickly stopped dealing with the urban model. She had her own place, was extremely pretty and had tons of options. She went to a great school and had a good job, was sweet, and while she never really reached for the bill, I got the sense that this was more her being a traditional woman than a hardcore leech. We dated exclusively although we didn’t have a title for 8 months or so. We’re still friends.

After we broke up, I started dating a woman who was a college dropout. But she had a great job managing her family’s contracting business, was drop dead gorgeous and unbelievably nice. I met her while she was bartending at cute little boutique hotel (for fun, apparently). It was close to Valentine’s day and a lot of her single friends were there getting hammered. I automatically assumed she was out of my league because of her looks, but she was so friendly and kind, I felt immediately at ease with her (I’ll be talking more about this in a future post for some of you women who complain that you “intimidate” men. You don’t. You just drive them off.) She insisted on paying for our first date because the restaurant was her choice. I almost had to fight her to pay the bill but she would have none of it. I later found out she was a Miss *insert African Country here* and was going to be participating in the Miss world pageant. She had also been in some national ad campaigns. She told me about this in the offhand manner someone would mention that they got third place in a gardening competition. She never acted like these things in any wat made her a better or more interesting person. About the time I met her, I bought a property and the night before my first showing, she and my mom worked in tandem buffing floors, scrubbing tiles, and nailing in drywall. We eventually broke up for one reason or another, but we both thought the other was such a great person that we would try to hook each other up with our friends. She now lives in an unbelievably huge condo with views of the water and is on TV. I saw her interviewing Hayden Panettiere (however you spell it) and definitely looked the better of the two.

Soon after, I was recruited to work for my company’s major competitor. And that’s when the big bucks started rolling in (Relatively speaking). I literally had more money than I knew what to do with (It’s not that it was that much money, it’s just that I’m pretty dimwitted). So I bought me a Swiss watch. Bought so much Armani I could go a week in Girogio without repeating outfits. And of course, I bought me a car. Not a flashy car per se. But a car I wanted. The fastest thing with four doors I could afford. And we went to the club. And I had it valeted so it was out front.

NOLA!

Did all this change my dating life?

NO, not really. Although when I pulled up anywhere, I definitely got more women checking me out than in the old Taurus. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had gone and bought the luxury car I was thinking about buying back then. I test drove a benz, a couple beemers, and a Range, but they just didn’t meet all my needs.But I would have loved to do a regression analysis of how much more attention I would have gotten, and from who, if I had bought one of those.

So I dated a girl in med school who was very pretty but didn’t really have much of a butt. Sh was a friend of a friend and she wanted to be exclusive too and the Nassatall really didn’t do it for me. I chased around after some local celeb type chicks to no real avail. And I started dating another urban model type, a miss *insert state here* contestant. She was really sweet and always down for the cause. She was a little rough around the edges, which was one of the things I think that hampered the relationship. And maybe that was just me wanting too much. My female friends can be harsh and while they recognizd and respected her looks, I think they kinda looked down on her a little. We stopped seeing each other, and I started dating a girl working on her second post-grad degree. We clicked really well but I didn’t want to commit to her. As it happens, toward the tail end, I started dating the girl who would become my girlfriend for the next year, and pretty much the entire time I ws in school. She was conservative lawyer and seemingly upstanding. My friend said that lesbians didn’t approach her because she looked like a Republican. And she was a great girlfriend. Eventually, the distance drove us apart and we decided to part as friends, but I have nothing but great memories of her, and we still try to remain friends.

The moral of this very long and drawn out story is this;

Real women don’t really give a shit if you stunt or not. So there’s my answer.

So there’s a certain Facebook datin group with which I’m associated and has a chapter devoted to it in a new book that’s coming out this year (I will advise when it’s out) and I was looking back on the early days of the group and dug out this old gem. I think it’s time to reinstate Bougie Black Macking Week. So many people are off complaining that they can’t find a man/woman/midget to marry/date/sodomize that I think now’s the perfect time to go out and get it in. Here are some tips I posted for the ladies back in ’07 when the economy was good, but I think they’re just as relevant as they are today (Unfortunately, I still think my boot cut True Religions are too, but that’s just cause I can’t get with this skinny jean shit.) Enjoy and report back your successes:

Since clearly I hit a nerve with the last note, and it seems like there’s a genuine thirst among the bouges to seek out and find a suitable bougie partner, I am declaring the week beginning Friday August 21 and ending Labor Day Monday to be the 1st annual Black Bougie Macking Week. Come on, fellow paper-baggers! This is your chance to throw down that Principles of Tort Law, sign off your company’s VPN, and turn your Blackberry off! It’s macking time! With that said, I’m going to open up the floor for game tips to the opposite sex, since I’ve been told by a number of my female friends who are eligible, smart, and very attractive, that they don’t know how to attract a dude in a social setting, even though I know good dudes that would happily date them. I also know a couple chicks who will turn every dude down in the club and wind up crying on the way back to the car about how lonely they are. So here are a couple tips and tactics for YOU, ladies. And feel free to share what you got for our male audience. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it and so will the fembouge who ends up meeting ol’ boy

1. Smile.

Simplest game in the book. If you look fun and happy, dudes will holla. Most men, whether they admit it or not, fear rejection when they open up a conversation with a woman. Unless they got that good liquor courage in them, in which case, who gives a damn. But if you want sober dudes to talk to you, look like you want to get talked to. If a guy who might be worth your while is checking you out, acknowledge, and give him the green light. This doesn’t make you easy, or less of a challenge, it just means fewer people will pass you by. Crossed arms and an “I’d rather be somewhere with richer dudes than you” look is going to make dudes think “She’d rather be somehwere with richer dudes than me.”

2. Leave the hating ass friend at home.
Listen, I know y’all came together, y’all gonna leave together, ok. But does it help anyone to have her yanking you away from old boy in mid-conversation or beginning of conversation? I know, sometimes, she has to come because she’s your best frind, cousin, ride, etc., but at least give the hateful trollop a good talking to beforehand. I know, “let’s go, these niggas are wack” is a real convincing statement, but if you disagree, show some backbone and tell that monkey to relax.

3. Stop herding.

I mean really, how many dudes are going to fight through all eight of y’all clustered in the middle of the dance floor to talk to you? Statistically, at least 25% of your crew falls into the aformentioned category, so that means a dude has to take down at least two gatekeepers before he gets to you. Think Special Forces, not 81st Infantry type numbers. Two to four in one area is a cool little number to roll with. And stop being so scared to split up. The club aint that big and y’all have unlimited text messaging, you’ll be able to find her. You can find a quiet spot to chop it up with a new friend, and no one’s going to kidnap and sodomize your friend for the five minutes you’re gone.

4. Realize we don’t shotgun mack
Unlike those lucky dudes with do-rags and XXXXXL t-shirts in Adams Morgan, we don’t have the luxury of grabbing every single one of y’all’s arms with a well-timed “A bay bay.” Because of the clusterfuck, we have to be real selective or we end up crossing lines with some chick we had no idea was your (insert bougie association here). Thus, you have to be a little more cooperative if this is going to go anywhere. (See rule 1) Otherwise, it’ll just end up being polite conversation.

5. Leave work at work
Tyler Durden is not his khakis. You are not your job title. Hopefully, you have interests, activities, wants, and dreams that stretch further than getting a corner office with an Eames couch. Talk about that, not about how you went to xxxx and now do xxx and are planning to go to xxx so you can get an xxx degree which will allow you to move into xxx. And let’s all cut out the education/career one upmanship.

6. Flirt
It’s fun, try it!

Ladies, what do you want us guys to do better?

Here’s a link to one of my favorite blogs, Dating a Banker Anonymous. It’s a really entertaining read because it focuses on New York finance groupies who are in a crisis because so many of the guys that they used to lust for because of their money and status have been laid off or had their bonuses cut. For anyone who’s fallen into the trap of going on about how “black women are too shallow and materialistic and white women like you for who you are,” this is a must read. The scandal and golddiggery here are epic. Enjoy!

Faithfully yours, B St. R

So what’s hot in the streets these last few days has been the Root Article about “What Single Black Women can learn from Michelle Obama”. If you were living under a rock and haven’t read or at least heard of it, I’ll give you the cliff notes:

Black women are too picky and shallow and when they meet an otherwise good man they rule him out for the following reasons:

His toes were ashy.

He seems like he’d be a really cool friend, but I don’t know, those lips. . .

He was wearing a bubble coat, and seriously, it was not that cold.

We had a good conversation, but I like a man to be more aggressive.

That was our second and last date. He used the word “authentic” like 14 times.

How many times do I have to tell you I’m looking for someone TALL and HOT? Keywords being tall and hot.

He drank a hot chocolate instead of coffee. What is he? A 6’4’’12-year-old? (I’m putting myself out there—this was my own reaction to an otherwise pleasant date just a few years ago.)

Yeah, he was tall, but his head seemed a little small for his body.

It was loud in there, so I’m not sure. Did I detect a stutter?

Boy, was he sweating!

He seems like someone who would like Star Trek.

I don’t care if he can’t see. He should have left those glasses at the office.

He was dancing (or worse, trying) way too hard.

These are actual quotes from the article. My interpretation of the author’s point:

You dumb bitches need to smarten up and realize that you’re no prize pig yourself. It ain’t enough dudes to go around in the first place so quit handicapping yourself with your unrealistic expectations. We know your shallow ass woulda seen the hole in that dude’s floorboard and ran the other way, we know it! Now stop being so blinded by them flashing lights and give a brotha a chance!

At least that’s how I interpreted it. But as we all know, what makes internet reading so enjoyable is not the writing itself which tends to be the domain of frustrated wannabe authors who will never get a book deal and short-fingered vulgarians to0 untalented and ugly to get their own reality show (witness yours truly). It’s the commentary after that makes the read worth it. As of today, we’re up to probably about 30 pages of comments (real number: 17 or so because the Root refuses to fix the issue which makes comments appear in triplicate). The comments were all over the place, but had two enduring themes:

1. Black women be materialistic and shallow as hell and that’s why we run off with white women. Sincerely, Black Man.

2. I ain’t dating no dude from the mailroom! You ni**as need to get yo’ shit togther. Holla. Sincerely, Black Woman

Meanwhile, over on belle’s blog, there was a post about “Settling,” with about the same general results. So, just for argument’s sake, let’s assume that black women are magically more materialistic or status-obsessed than gen pop. Let’s further assume we’re talking specifically about professional black women between say 22 and 35 with college degrees. This is just for the sake of argument, of course. Try not to flood my comment box with accusations that I’m one of the people always puttig down black women.

So let’s say I’m who I am. I’m (newly) single and on the prowl for a woman. Wife, GF, fuckbuddy, whatever, let’s just assume I’m seeking female companionship and thus seek to make myself as attractive as possible to the opposite sex.

Should I stunt?

I mean, according to the commentary, what women want are tall guys with money and unashy feet. Since I don’t wear mandals, let’s just assume that by the time they find out my general level of foot ashiness, it’s too late and they’re already naked. And while Kareem Abdul Jabbar I’m not, I’m tall enough that it’s not a strike against me. Now, the money issue. I’m not really liquid because I’m in grad school, but if we assume I’ll either have the same earning power or more than I did before I went to school, then that puts me in the top 15% or so of households, and for single black males, probably in the top low single digits. So do I stunt? Mind you, stunting for this particular crowd is a little different than stunting for oh, say, Plies’ crowd:

On another note, Plies disgusts me. Because he went to college. I’ve heard him speak regularly and he sounds very intelligent. But he’s fallen into this ridiculous trap of hiding one’s education and accomplishments to live out some white suburban teen’s hood fantasy of what it means to be black. Fucking disgusting.

But I digress. The accoutrements of bougie stunting are a little different, but it’s stuntin nonetheless. No, you can’t do a diamond-studded Jacob the Jeweler but a nice clasic Rolex Oyster or Omega Seamaster will definitely get you noticed. The girls in the know can tell that Z Zegna super 150’s or Canali from that Men’s Wearhouse shit. And let’s face it, everyone likes a nice car. Will it be that ethnic stereotype candy Hummer on 28’s as seen above? No. But the RR Sport or full sized Range, any BMW with an M in front of a single digit, or an AMG something or other will still let em know what’s up. How bout, say, something like this:

For all you fellow Mercedes haters out there (so very bland), maybe even something along these lines:

Will I get a better class of woman if I say, save a little less, and splurge a little more? When I go out to nightclubs, which is rare these days, should I just go ahead and get bottle service? Is this the way toward a more fulfilling dating life? I mean, to hear the commentary, the answer does seem to be yes. And we’re not talking about raping the 401k here, just maybe not maxing out the contribution. I don’t know the answer. Seriously, I’m asking. Little help. I’m interested in hearing folks’ thoughts on this issue.

I have a theory on why black people are so obsessed with showing off their earning power. It’s lack of trust. We’ve seen so much flim-flam from each other that unless we see something with our own eyes, we don’t believe it. If a guy says to you that he does this, that, or the other, you’ve heard the same lie so many times that it takes the acoutrements of that profession for you to believe it. I think this is why dudes wear suits to the club on Saturday. Like seriously, dude, it’s Saturday. No one believes you just left the office at 11:30 on SATURDAY wearing a three piece suit and a perfectly knotted half-windsor tie. But the suit is kind of a way to prove who you say you are. It adds credibility to your story. The car adds credibility to your narrative that you’re a successful person. It goes with the image. I’m not going to get into the whole building wealth vs. consumerism macro argument, that’s a whole different blog. I’m just trying to really figure out if, given what a million people are saying is true in relation to how picky black women are and how much they focus on external indicators of success, I should show it a little more. Will that make my dating life better?

In part 2, I’ll tell you a little about what my theory is and gice you some history to back it up. Have a great weekend.

Faithfully Yours,

B St. R

PS: here’s one more piece of car porn. I would kill seven orphans for this car (I mean, not really, but you get the point). I heart Techart