Archive for July, 2009

The entire staff at St. Randy Enterprises is delighted to present you with what I think will be one of our best blogs ever. It’s a rare treat that we get to have a guest blogger who’s not only an old and dear friend of mine, but a Man of the Cloth.

Seth and family

Seth and family

Pastor Seth Pickens and I went to a small but pretty decent college on the red clay hills of Atlanta some years ago. Since then, he has lived an extraordinary life of service, and today is the Pastor at Zion Hill Baptist Church in Los Angeles. I’m very proud to have been there as he and his lovely wife literally jumped the broom. Seth also writes one of the best blogs in the blogosphere, How I Got Over

If you’re in the LA area, Zion Hill is at 7860 Tenth Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90045.

Map

Map

Without further ado, here’s the Pastor:

I’m lucky enough to be in my early 30s, educated, been around the world, and currently working in a field that has an unlimited upside. I’m also married with one child and another on the way. Marriage sometimes gets a bad rap in our society, but I happen to be enjoying it immensely. Before I give you the top 5 reasons I love being married, let me share a life philosophy and decision I made about five years before I met the woman who would later be my wife:

I decided to be happy.

I was happy single, so I’m happy married. If you’re not content alone, you won’t be content with someone else for long. I’ve noticed that a lot of single people are complaining and/or taking drastic measures to fill the void of loneliness. Marriage won’t necessarily solve that problem. There are almost as many married people these days looking for a way out–trying to get their freedom back. Divorce won’t always grant you freedom, it usually leads to more baggage rather than less, in fact.

I got married, and we plan to stay married, even though we argue sometimes. Miscommunication, anger, boredom, and other undesirables happen in any relationship. No need to be surprised when they appear in a marriage. But, when two friends decide they are going to stick it out and be happy together, what can stop them? With that, here are 5 reasons I love being married.

1. I’m in love. I grew up in the hip-hop generation. I spent the 90s with JT Money, Luke, Snoop Dogg, AMG, Too Short, and all the rest telling me never to fall in love. Add to that the fact that my heart got broken one good time back in 9th grade, and I was always cool as ice when it came to the ladies. Not bragging, but by my 20s, I could set my sights on virtually any woman regardless of race, class, or age, and make a play. We’d have some fun until I got bored or she got too serious, then it was on to the next conquest. Then I met Isis. On our very first date, I literally heard bells ringing in my head. Ding! Ding! Ding! Like everything she said was a correct answer on a game show. Sure, she was sexy and intelligent, but there was a key difference with her: I actually liked her! It wasn’t quite love at first site, but we definitely fell hard for one another after just a few days hanging out. I was calling my friends like, “hey man, I’m in love.” People who knew me knew that it must be serious if I was trading in my Noreaga for New Edition. That kind of infatuation never lasts forever…unless you work to make sure that it does, and we do. What could be better than being in love?

2. Two are better than one. This is true in so many ways. When you’re married, you have a friend checking you out before you leave the house every morning. You have someone to pray with (2 people praying in agreement for something are more effective than one; they just are). As a couple, one can run errands, the other can be making dinner. That way, both get their dry cleaning and a homecooked meal. Single people often can’t have it all in the same regard. Plus, two people can maintain a household together for far less money than 2 people living separately. Also, good women tend to push their husbands to achieve. I’m pretty terrific, and I’ve been destined to see some success no matter what, but I must admit, much of it has come through the prompting, plotting, and brainststorming of my wife. And there’s more to come.

3. The sex is the bomb. I can’t speak for other guys or other couples, but I am the most sexually satisfied I’ve ever been in my life. I had gotten my share of action as a bachelor, but it wasn’t until I met my bride that I knew what it meant to make love. The difference between making love and having sex is like the difference between a Bentley and a Chrysler 300: they look similar from a distance, and you can barely distinguish the two while intoxicated, but get close enough, and it’s plain to see why the sticker price for one is 15x more than the other. I’m not going to get too specific, but let’s just say you can be much more free with a spouse than you might be with someone in whose presence you have yet to fart. We all know that sex is a part of being grown–an important part. And to have a friend who you’re sexually compatible with, satisfied by, and emotionally committed to…priceless.

4. Kids. All that love-making has led to 2 kids. You don’t have to be married to make, have, or rear children, but it is arguably the best way to do it. Being a father has been one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. I’m glad my kids get to be in a stable home, and they are a great stabilizing factor for us. When you have a child to care for, you have no choice but to grow up yourself in many ways. As a father, (most of) the cynicism I have toward the world has simply vanished. There’s no replacing the pure joy and laughter that kids bring into a home. You can gave great kids without being married, and you can have a great marriage without kids, but when the two are combined and everyone is committed to living in harmony, it’s a beautiful thing.

5. Overcoming challenges makes you better.
Don’t get me wrong, there are difficulties in any station in life, and marriage is no exception. For all of the joy and sweet lovemaking and economies of scale married people enjoy, there is bound to be some hell along the way. Deciding how you’re going to manage money as a unit can be a challenge. Being big enough to apologize and to accept an apology takes maturity. Dealing with someone else’s parents and habits and addictions and work ethic is not easy, yet avoiding any of those things will only make life worse. Marriage is a challenge, kind of like learning a new language or maxing out in the weightroom. At first it sounds great, then once you get into it, it seems impossible. But if you stick with it, you will overcome, and when you do, new worlds and new opportunities open up. Things that you never could have imagined before become possible.

That’s just me–no two marriages are identical, though. Also, as wonderful as it is, my marriage is not all-consuming. I still need to play basketball with the fellas, and I still look forward to going to work. She still likes to do things without me as well. We are two independent people who have decided to join forces, and so far, it’s been swell.

Pastor Seth Pickens

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I imagine you’ve either seen or heard of the video of Glenn beck calling President Obama a racist. I’m all about free speech. He has a right to say whatever he wants. What he is saying, however, is a plea to white racial victimization, which is a fear tactic that has historically been used by the White Power Movement, the Ku Klux Klan, and Neo-Nazis to incite violence and oppression against people of color. There are enough paranoid Americans who share Beck, Hannity, Buchanan, Limbaugh et al’s obsession with the idea that white people are losing their power and their rights that these statements represent a legitimate threat, not only to President Obama, but to people of all colors, period. This ideology that white people are at risk from shadowy people of color who will hurt them is a cornerstone of just about every right-wing wingnut who’s ever committed an act of racial violence.

James Von Brunn, The Holocaust Museum shooter

James Von Brunn, The Holocaust Museum shooter

Enough is enough. I refuse to support any company who would use their advertising dollars to continue this kind of vile and dangerous speech. Below is a list of companies that advertise on Glenn Beck’s show. Please join me in informing their leadership that you will not support their products until their sponsorship ends. A handwritten letter is most effective, but an email is a good start. For a direct link, please click on the link below. Please pass this along to others. : Thanks.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/7/29/759352/-MSNBCs-Donnie-Deutsch-Calls-for-Glenn-Beck-Adverstiser-BoycottUPDATED-w-Contact-Info

General Motors:
Chairman: Edward E. (Ed) Whitacre Jr.
President, CEO, and Director: Frederick A. (Fritz) Henderson
EVP and CFO: Ray G. Young
300 Renaissance Center
Detroit, MI 48265-3000
Contact Media Relations at 888-436-6687 (h/t sueroegge)
MI Tel. 313-556-5000
Contact form: http://www.gm.com/…

Campbell Soup:
Chairman: Harvey Golub
President, CEO, and Director: Douglas R. Conant
SVP, CFO, and Chief Administrative Officer: B. Craig Owens
Campbell Soup Company
1 Campbell Place
Camden, NJ 08103-1799
NJ Tel. 856-342-4800
Toll Free 800-257-8443
Fax 856-342-3878
http://www.campbellsoupcompany.com
Contact form: http://www.campbellsoupcompany.com/…

Chrysler Group LLC:
Chairman: C. Robert (Bob) Kidder
CEO and Director: Sergio Marchionne
SVP and CFO: Ronald E. Kolka
1000 Chrysler Dr.
Auburn Hills, MI 48326-2766
MI Tel. 248-576-5741
Toll Free 800-992-1997
http://www.chryslerllc.com
Contact form: https://www.chryslergroupllc.com/…

The Procter & Gamble Company
Chairman: Alan G. (A.G.) Lafley
President, CEO, and Director: Robert A. (Bob) McDonald
CFO: Jon R. Moeller
1 Procter & Gamble Plaza
Cincinnati, OH 45202
OH Tel. 513-983-1100
Fax 513-983-9369
http://www.pg.com/
Contact form: http://pg.custhelp.com/…

Pfizer Inc.
Chairman and CEO: Jeffrey B. (Jeff) Kindler
Chairman Emeritus: William C. Steere Jr.
Chairman Emeritus: M. Anthony Burns
235 E. 42nd St.
New York, NY 10017-5755
NY Tel. 212-573-2323
http://www.pfizer.com
Contact page: http://www.pfizer.com/… (h/t MmeVoltaire)

Kellogg Company
Chairman: James M. (Jim) Jenness
President, CEO, and Director: A. D. David Mackay
EVP, COO, and CFO: John A. Bryant
1 Kellogg Sq.
Battle Creek, MI 49016-3599
Contact media at 800-323-0768 (h/t sueroegge)
MI Tel. 269-961-2000
Toll Free 800-962-1413
Fax 269-961-2871
http://www.kelloggcompany.com
Media email: media.hotline@kellogg.com

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
Chairman: S. Robson (Rob) Walton
President, CEO, and Director: Michael T. (Mike) Duke
EVP and COO: William S. (Bill) Simon
702 SW 8th St.
Bentonville, AR 72716
AR Tel. 479-273-4000
Fax 479-277-1830
http://www.walmartstores.com
Contact form: http://walmartstores.com/…

Kraft Foods Inc.
Chairman and CEO: Irene B. Rosenfeld
EVP Operations and Business Services: David A. (Dave) Brearton
EVP and CFO: Timothy R. (Tim) McLevish
3 Lakes Dr.
Northfield, IL 60093
Contact #: 1 800 323 0768 (h/t nzanne)
IL Tel. 847-646-2000
Fax 847-646-6005
http://www.kraft.com
Contact form: http://www.kraftfoodscompany.com/…

Nestlé USA, Inc.
Chairman and CEO: Brad Alford
SVP and CFO: Dan Stroud
GLOBE Executive and CIO: Kimberly (Kim) Lund
800 N. Brand Blvd.
Glendale, CA 91203
CA Tel. 818-549-6000
Toll Free 800-225-2270
Fax 818-549-6952
http://www.nestleusa.com
Contact form: http://www.nestleusa.com/…

Although as a former Porsche owner, it would be more dignified of me to have some loyalty, but fuck that. Look at the ass on this thing! This is offical release from Ferrari, not some photochopped what if:

I approve of the triple pipes

I approve of the triple pipes

A little Enzo from the side

A little Enzo from the side

A little too Lamborghini-ish on the front, I think

A little too Lamborghini-ish on the front, I think

This personally makes me want to go and be productive so I can earn enough money to buy one of these. Thanks Ferrari, for doing your part to spike the economy!

Tai-Tai

Tai-Tai

Boy, do I have one for you.

So I got a facebook update that one of the homegirls from college was featured on Essence.com in an article entitled “Why am I single.” While one, I always like to see the homies shine, I also thought it was a really well thought out conversation about some of the roadblocks that happen to very successful, ambitious black women, both those of their own making, and those out of their control. Read:

Reprinted from Essence Magazine

Tai Beauchamp has it all: looks, class and success. There’s just one thing missing. After a fast-tracked career as a top beauty editor and now working in philanthropy, she’s ready for love. The 31-year-old fashionista stepped outside of her comfort zone and gave dating on reality TV a try with the new show, “Holidate,” premiering on SoapNet July 29. The Spelman grad opens up with ESSENCE.com on the question she hears too often: “Why are you single?”‘

I’ve watched “Flavor of Love” and my first thought was there was no way I was going on TV to look for a man. Then I thought some more and figured it could be fun to do and worth a shot at meeting someone. I’m very private about my dating life, so dating in front of millions of strangers is a huge step.

I’m an example of a lot of my friends who are successful, attractive, spiritual but don’t have partners.

People ask me a lot why am I single. I even had a guy ask me that trying to get my number and that is not a pick up line. My uncle says, “Tai, you’re 31, when are you settling down?” And I respond I want it to be right, and I’m just now at a point where I am truly ready for it.

Sometimes as women we box ourselves in and aren’t open to new experiences, so we get the same results. I am an open person but I had never been on a blind date before this show. Now I tell people I’m open to meeting someone and feel free to pass along great guys.

This show also forced me to be present in the moment. As women of color especially we are taught to work so hard to get that corner office, which we do, sacrificing our relationships, friendships and other things we love. I take care of my grandmother and I have a busy lifestyle, like many women who are and don’t take time for ourselves. But being on a date, you have to be in the moment. The underlying message I learned is the power of now.

The other big lesson was the guy you think you want to be with may not come as you expect. We cheat ourselves when we aren’t open to the possibilities of him not being 6’6″. We have to be slightly open and put ourselves out there. You have to be open to packages. Whether its height, age or race, we have to be open. I’m 6’0″ and have dated a guy 5’6″. We stand to gain so much and lose less than we think.

I have a lot of friends who are married, yet all of my entrepreneurial friends are more likely to be single. When you are focused on business, it’s very difficult to put the same focus on your love life. I hope more women realize investing time in your love life is investing in you.

Yes, I’m single, but I could have easily been a married woman already. I was engaged to a wonderful guy who I am still friends with. Part of the reason I didn’t go through with it was I was young and not the person I am now. Life experiences shaped me to be who I am now and who I want to be for my partner. I tell younger friends who are around 25 to chill out and take their time. Enjoy learning things to bring to a relationship. I did that and now I will be the best wife and mother and I’m confident my guy is out there ready for me.

Catch Tai dating on “Holidate,” Wednesday, July 29, 10 P.M ET.

Let me preface the discussion by saying this: Tai is fly as a bald eagle with a jetpack. In Business Class on the Space Shuttle. I actually sort of had maybe a teeny like little crush on her in college, but that’s not neccesarily germane to this story. I think one of the really good points she brought up was:

1. The Tension on succeeding in Career vs. Relationships Tai’s resume puts most of ours to shame. And to build up that kind of expertise and success takes a lot of time and energy, which as anyone who’s ever worked a 70 hour week knows, usurps a lot of potential dating, meeting people, and social interacting time. It’s just what it is. I honestly do think this is even more difficult to navigate for women, because as men, we do most of the approaching. So if we know we only have a couple hours out of the week to socialize and meet people, we’re likely to cut straight to the chase and go about the busines of meeting women on the rare opportunities we have to go out. As a woman, you’re kind of at the mercy of whether men are approaching you in that limited time. It’s also a lot easier for us because when women hear the term CEO associated with our name, it’s an automatic bonus point. With women, I don’t think it’s that cut and dried. I know I go on and on about how men aren’t really intimidated by women, but I do that partly to bust y’all’s balls. I’m aware of the shades of gray and understand that especially for a man that’s either not a CEO or not a CEO yet, the automatic assumption may be that “she’s out of my league.” Especially if you’re in the same industry. So when she says that “making an investment in your relationships is making an investment in yourself,” I think that’s a valuable piece of advice.

2. Painting yourself in a corner I remember a friend of mine once asked me if I dug girls with natural hair. I told her yes. I was surprised that her reaction was almost shock. She seemed genuinely surprised. While I know people who will only date girls with that silky Yaki or who will eschew any woman with a perm, I think one of the great things about black beauty is that comes in so many varieties. I’ve dated girls from 4’11” to girls a couple hairs taller than me, from “could pass for Italian” to undeniably West African, and literally bald to hair cascading down their back. I think all of them are  gorgeous. But a lot of people don’t think that way. We create this set of attributes that we describe as our type, and if someone doesn’t meet that, well, throw em back in the river. Women are particularly guilty of “living by the list.” Get mad if you like, but you know it’s true. We had a good convo on Belle’s blog a couple months back about a girl who had all these rules for meeting men. Wouldn’t date one she met one in a nightclub, wouldn’t date someone who didn’t know someone she knew, wouldn’t yada yada yada. She was like a modern Republican: the Party of No. (She’s since changed her tune) So I think it’s a good piece of advice, especially coming from someone who doesn’t neccesarily have to (read is really good looking), to broaden your horizons.

Check the show out, and support the homey.


Ive made a terrible mistake

I've made a terrible mistake

I mean, I’m certain a lot of men are rethinking the whole proposition after the whole Nas/Kelis fiasco. Or at least using it as an excuse as to why they wouldn’t get married. Despite the fact, almost none of ya are ever even going to make $55k a month, much less have to fork over that amount. But I think where their relationship went sour speaks a lot to the reasons men may have a pretty good rationale for not getting married

1. Marriage isn’t really that fun Sure, it’s a great environment to raise kids, and may help with your promotion prospects:

Now, a new crop of studies has shown married men earn an average of 10 percent to 40 percent more than those who never have married, yet have similar education and work experience. “My husband’s income tripled after I began encouraging him to focus on his accomplishments and see that he was worth more money,” said Joanne Watson, who authored the book “How to Help Your Husband Make More Money So You Can Be a Stay-at-Home Mom.” Two main reasons are thought to drive the phenomenon, according to Hyunbae Chun and Injae Lee of the Department of Economics at New York University, who published a study called “Why Do Married Men Earn More: Productivity or Marriage Selection.” First is the “productivity hypothesis”: Having a partner to support, encourage and motivate makes the other partner more productive. Second is the “selection hypothesis”: Women tend to marry men with characteristics that make them more successful in the workplace. They avoid men who don’t. Analyzing 1999 survey data of about 2,700 men, Chun and Lee found married men earned an average of 12.4 percent more per hour than unmarried men. After adjusting for age, work, experience, education and other factors, the researchers concluded the productivity theory — having a supportive partner — is the reason behind married men’s financial success.

But is it really fun? Like fun fun? I mean, I know it should be. You ‘posed to enjoy spending time with your woman, doing things you both love, exploring the world and each other and shit. But from what I’ve seen, a lot of times, it gets old. I see guys who are married having to leave the house to have fun. They go play golf with the boys, or hit the cub, or go on sex tours of Brazil. The thrill can get lost pretty easily if you’re not careful. I mean, at th end of the day, why was Steve McNair sneaking around in an jump-off condo with a 20 year old? The thrill. And face it, how many married guys do you know that are basically dead men walking? A lot, probably. And I think that’s the number one fear: misery.

2. It’s not that good of a deal for us I mean, let’s face it: Marriage is your thing. There’s no section in Barnes & Nobles with titles like Modern Groom and Husband Quarterly. This is you all’s thing. Was anyone in GI Joe married? No. Destro had the Baroness as a jump-off/sometime girlfriend and that seemed to work great for him. But women start planning their weddings at 4 years old. And there’s a reason for that. Women want to be saved. They want the stability of marriage, the security and predictabilty of one man. Men don’t need that. And what we used to need in terms of support for our manly operations now comes from machines: Need a hot meal? Microwave. Need laundry done? Stack washer and dryer. Need sexual release? Online porn. I know, I know. What about being madly in love with someone and needing them more than life itself? Well, yeah, that’s the dream about marriage you’ve been sold by Hollywood and greasy R&B singers with wack suits.

Im looking your way, Ginuwine

I'm looking your way, Ginuwine

Most people don’t get married because they’re madly in love. They get married because it’s the right time, or they want to have children, or they’ve been with someone so long, there’s no real alternative. I mean, the concept of romantic love as a justification for marriage is all of about 70 odd years old. Before that, it was how many camels can my family get for auctioning off the daughter with the child-bearing hips. So for the woman’s security, we kind of give up a lot: Freedom, independent decision making, new pussy, the car of our choice (you know you want that bitch ass Lexus SUV that couldn’t climb a rock if your life depended on it and we want a monster truck with a foghorn).

3. The Breakups are expensive You know what Kim Kardashian got after two years with Reggie Bush? A handshake and a “best of luck in your future endeavors.” You know what Heather Mills got after two years with Paul McCartney? $49 mil. I didn’t even bring kelis into this because, hey, Nas fucked up with his choice of lawyer. Given the divorce rate stats and the general rapeage that occurs in a divorce settlement, why even go into it? If you were trying to convince a private equity company to invest money into a marriage given the stats, you’d be put out of the offices on your ass Jazzy Jeff style. As far as kids, a lot of couples and ex-couples have kids in relationships which aren’t marriages, but work well in the sense that the father’s very involved in the kid’s day to day life.And these days, it ain’t like that there’s that much shame in being an unwed mother.

4. There’s not that much joy in being man of the house anymore Back int he day, you got home from a hard day at work and there was your lovely wife waiting with a martini in one hand and a pot roast in the other. She dutifully listened to your dullard tales of office politics and how your day went. The kids had been cleaned up for supper and were happy to show you what they learned in school today.

Honey, heres your shit!

Honey, here's your shit!

But what all happened is that with women competing in the workforce, price escalation for just about everything has gone through the roof. Two-earner families outbid single earners for housing, cars, private schools, etc. So now you basically need two incomes to lead a middle class existence. Which means the role of “man of the house” is split. It’s like Kim Jong Il and Osama Bin Ladin being co-presidents of the Music Appreciation Club. You’re tired from working. Your wife’s tired from working. You’r both stressed out. The little camera in the bear caught the nanny going through your shit. Your kids are ugly and stupid and don’t particularly like you.

5. No new pussy. I think this is really the hardest one. And it’s so difficult for women to understand. Because for most women, sex with someone they know and have had sex with is much better than sex with a stranger. Their partner knows the stroke they like, how to hit the spot, they don’t have to worry about STD’s or being considered a slut, or their body image issues. For men, it’s totally opposite. New pussy is better than old pussy just because it’s new. So by getting married, we are contractually agreeing to give up one of the things that makes live worth living. Now as you get older, it becomes less important, and you learn to focus and sacrifice for someone else because they’re sacrificing something for you. Also, women get hornier as they get older, so what they lack in thrill value, perhaps they make up for in quantity. The problem is women also get significantly less attractive with age. While black women tend to o much better than other races, there can still be a significant downturn. Especially with the exercise habits and natural baby weight some women put on, they just get kinda gross.

But as much as these factors may play into a culture wide shit away from men seeking marriage, I think there’s still hope for middle class black folks especially because we want ourselves and our kids to succeed and one of the best ways to do that is to get hitched up. It does take sacrificing a lot, but I think if women and men talked about the sacrifices that need to get made by the parties ahead of time and planned for them, marriages would be off to a much better start. How are we going to split money. Just a joint account, or joint account plus spending money for both of us? If so, is that divided by income? What happens if one of us gets fat? What happens if one of us loses our sex drive or ability? Who’s responsible for what housey things? Talk it out, people, make it work. Shalom!

READ THE CNN ARTICLE HERE

Baby, you marry me, and I could be the chair of the African American Studies Program!

Baby, you marry me, and I could be the chair of the African American Studies Program

Awesomeness courtesy of Fuhbuhduh. The names have been changes to protect the innocent.

T-bubbles has noticed many black women zealously supporting Gates and
finds it dreadfully painful that this man, this scholar of all things
African American, could not manage to find love with a black woman.
Although I will continue to defend the black man’s freedoms because my
love for the black man is as natural as breathing, I can’t help but
wonder…who will come to the aid of the black woman?

Yesterday at 7:41pm · Comment · LikeUnlike
You, (AG) and 2 others like this.
(AG) and 2 others like this.

(AG)
I wish I could like this multiple times, or possibly even love it. May
this serve as a powerful message to all of the lost HLS black men who
shall remain nameless.
Yesterday at 7:44pm

(B-Eazy)
Thanks! Will let you all know when I’m found. Can’t speak for the rest
of the lost HLS black men. You can name us. I don’t hide. But rest
assured. My mother is a black woman. My grandmother is a black woman.
My daughters, will be black women (even if mixed). Who will come to
their aid? The same lost black men you demean today. who will come to
your… Read More daughters aid? To your aid? This lost black man
will. Because I am proud to be black, and I will always fight
tirelessly against racism and division. I thank you, (T-Bubbles), for your
support of Professor Gates despite his choice of spouse.
Yesterday at 8:10pm

(J-Beezy)
Can’t help who you love. Works out that way whether the consequences
are good, bad, or benign.
Yesterday at 8:32pm

(T-dub)
the devil
Yesterday at 8:43pm

(Richy Rich)
What B-Eazy said
Yesterday at 8:44pm

(B-Eazy)
Unreal. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think certain people thought
the injustice here was who he happened to fall in love with, rather
than the fact that this man was profiled, harassed, and humiliated in
his own house because he was black. That is what happened here. That
is the injustice. White wife, black wife, asian wife, hispanic wife,
save it for another day. Is it really less of an outrage
because his wife isn’t black? Professor Gates is an accomplished black
man who was subjected to horrible, racist treatment by the cops who
have sworn to protect him as a citizen of cambridge. I would plead
with the educated to focus on the true issue here. Direct this hatred
and disgust toward the treatment of this black man, not his personal
life choices.
Yesterday at 9:28pm

(Chuck)
It’s just kind of odd though, to be presented as such an accomplished
man, in a field that he studies and loves, but is not reflected in his
personal life.
Yesterday at 9:31pm

(T-Bubbles)
B-Eazy, I feel neither hatred nor disgust towards black men. I love
you guys and I feel the full weight of the injustice that was done by
the Cambridge police. But at the same time, some days it is painful to
be a black woman and to feel like we’re nobody’s treasure, nobody’s
dream. My comments come from a place of pain and not anger.
Yesterday at 9:37pm

(AG)
I, Chuck, do find that particularly odd. However, I, like (T-Bubbles),
also support Dr. Gates in his mission to protest against unwarranted
arrests regardless of his choice of spouse.

Furthermore, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the black men of HLS
but a statement similar to that put forth by Mr. Eazy and
co-signed by Mr. Richy Rich My daughters and I would
perish waiting for a so-called “educated” black man to “come to our
aid” in any capacity. Clearly you are very proud to be a black man
which, I suppose, is why you have opted to date a woman who is not a
reflection of yourself. Actions speak louder than words. While you
proclaim that you are proud and that you would come to the aid of a
black woman, isn’t it odd that, although many of us walk the campus of
HLS, beautiful and educated in all our glory, you found none of us
suitable as a partner with whom you could share your heart, your mind,
your body, your soul. Amazing.
Yesterday at 9:38pm

(AG)
J-Beezy– you make a good point when you say that you can not help who you
love. I agree entirely, but, as the saying goes- “Just because I love
you- and you love me- that doesn’t mean we’re meant to be.” I believe
that, when it comes to finding a life partner, too much emphasis is
placed on “love.” The most successful relationships are based on a …
combination of love and practical decision-making. The
preservation of one’s culture and the strenghtening of one’s racial
and ethnic community is a factor that I, for one, think is worth
considering when selecting a spouse.
Yesterday at 9:40pm

(B-Eazy)
I truly do hope that you, Miss (AG), find not only the black man you
seek, but find someone who matches the hatred you have in your heart.
Date a woman who is not a reflection of myself? I guess I could not
date someone like you. I personally pride myself in not being a
racist, not being a bigot, and not being militant. White or black, I’m
not down… Read More with that. Tell me, since you are so willing to
attack me and those like me, are you actually trying to date me? Marry
me? If not, then what gives you the right to attack me? Share my
heart, body, mind, and soul? With a bigot?

T-Bubbles, I feel you. And I appreciate and with all my heart I am sorry
for your pain and will pray for your healing and for the man that will
come and sweep you off your feet and treat you like you should be
treated. Some of you question my commitment to the advancement of my
race, go ahead. Whether you like it or not, I stand on your side. You
can spit in my face, but I will reach out my hand to help in a minute.
Yesterday at 9:48pm

(B-Eazy)
I do not pretend to know what its like to be a black woman today. That
is why I would love to sit down with you T-bubbles and have a respectful,
reasonable conversation so that we may learn from each other. That in
my daily life I may have a greater understanding of where you are
coming from and how I can help, despite apparently being a man who has
shamed his people.

However, others must understand that hate gets you nowhere, regardless
the color of your skin. I choose not to think that one, two, ten, or
100 blacks can speak for the entire race. However, I will not stand
for wrong despite nasty comments. Wrong is wrong. God made us all in
his image. Man created “race”. We are all beautiful. Every last one of
us. Some people should do good to remember that.

But as for you T-Bubbles, thank you for your clarification, and I see
what you mean now and I look forward to talking with you whenever
you’d like. We are both god’s children, we are both proud,
accomplished african-americans. I choose
Yesterday at 9:53pm

(B-Eazy)
To believe we all have more in common than not, and our destinies too
intertwined to pick at each other. Best, B-Eazy
Yesterday at 9:54pm

(AG)
First, I am not a racist or a bigot, and I have absolutely no hatred
in my heart. There is no room for hatred in my heart, as it is
overflowing with disappointment. I responded to your comment, which
was clearly directed at my statement that men such as yourself are
lost. Clearly you are angry at me for pointing out something of which
you should have already been aware. Furthermore, I am not
trying to date you, marry you- but even if I was, any attempt to do so
would have been futile, as you have clearly indicated your preference,
as evidenced by your facebook picture. How sweet.

I am a strong, educated, FEARLESS black woman the likes of which, I am
sure, makes men such as yourself cringe. Don’t label me a racist
because my opinion is controversial. I have every right to express
myself and, as a woman seeking love and respect from a group of men
who she was raised to love and honor but who, apparently, are
incapable of reciprocating those sentiments, I have every right to be
angry.
Yesterday at 10:01pm

(Chuck)
I think we got off course – the point is the man in charge of African
American Studies department is a fake.
Yesterday at 10:01pm

(B-Eazy)
Clearly indicated my preference by putting a picture up of my
girlfriend and myself? Do you ever find it hard not to choke on your
bullshit? Me not being interested in people like you has nothing to do
with the outside. It’s about the inside.

You make me cringe? Ms. AG, you can’t even make me blink. I do not
know why I waste my time even responding to your slander. I’m a
strong, educated FEARLESS black man, the likes of which you were
apparently raised to love. If you must blame someone, blame my STRONG,
EDUCATED, FEARLESS BLACK MOTHER who raised me to love, period and seek
to do the greatest possible good, regardless who I end up with.

I’m labeling you a racist because you are spewing racist crap
everywhere. You do have every right to express yourself. But I have
every right to defend MYSELF, and call you on it…. Read More

And apparently, you are labeling every single black man out there as
incapable of loving you because you are black? COME ON. Be angry. See
where it gets you.
Yesterday at 10:07pm

(AG)
Mr. Chuck clearly Mr. Eazy had something on his mind that has
been bothering him for quite sometime. Rather than handling the
situation like a man by sitting down and having a discussion with me,
he chose to remove me from his facebook friend list (yes. he did), and
hash out our differences via a mutual friend’s facebook status. I’m
just glad T-Bubbles could provide a forum for him to express himself.
Hopefully he feels better now.
Yesterday at 10:07pm

(AG)
Mr.Eazy, I have no doubt that you and I will find ourselves at
the same ultimate destination- in the loving arms of a caucasian
spouse. I enjoyed our discussion. Good night.
Yesterday at 10:09pm

(B-Eazy)
“I wish I could like this multiple times, or possibly even love it.
May this serve as a powerful message to all of the lost HLS black men
who shall remain nameless.”-AG.

First comment in response to T-Bubbles’s post. It’s not me that has had
anything bothering me. Not me that needed a forum. It was you. Not me
that first called anyone out. That was you.

Be a man and sit down? You are out of your mind. What, you want to get
coffee in a few weeks with me? That’s what you wanna do? Don’t worry,
I’ll get it black. … Read More

De-friend you? Why the hell am I gonna be fbook friends with someone
who hates what I do with my life? My bad if i got sick of your racist
statuses.

There’s no hashing out these differences. I just hope every non-black
person you actually are friends with sees the stuff you are spewing
here tonight. And I hope you don’t plan on keeping those friends much
longer.
Yesterday at 10:12pm

(AG)
First, I have no friends- only acquaintances sir. Second, anyone who
is so closed-minded and afraid to hear a somewhat controversial
opinion and who has not learned through personal interaction that I am
absolutely, positively NOT a racist can cease to be friends with me if
they so choose. Quite frankly- I don’t need ’em.

You are lost, and it’s so sad. But you are who you are. And who you
are is somebody I do not wish to know.
Yesterday at 10:18pm

(B-Eazy)
Get over yourself. I know my life is ending tonight that Ms. A “I
have no friends-only acquaintances” G does not wish to know me. I
appreciate your pity, and wish I could reciprocate. All I can do from
my pit of despair however, is laugh at the ridiculousness. Happy
hating, ms. G.
Yesterday at 10:20pm

(AG)
Thank you- not only for wishing me well, but for showing that, when
all else fails, you result to labeling what you are too simple to
understand as “ridiculous.” Mr. Yale. Mr. Harvard Law. Pay close
attention America- this is the educated black man.

Good night. Again.
Yesterday at 10:24pm

(B-Eazy)
You know me, simple country boy with no education and no sense. Can’t
even put sentences together.

Do pay close attention, America. I guarantee you are all paying such
close attention to the thoughts of Ms. (AG) on facebook.

You demean what you claim to love, the “educated black man”. You have
a really funny way of showing it.

Goodnight!
Yesterday at 10:27pm

(Bobby Knuckles)
wow, just seeing all of this. what a monumental waste of time.
B-Eazy, remember what jay-z said about arguing with fools? don’t
waste anymore time on this, my man.
Yesterday at 10:40pm

(Chuck)
This kind of hit the fan, I feel like Gates isn’t going to be the only
drama up at Harvard this year!
Yesterday at 10:41pm

(AG)
Mr. Knuckles- do you remember what whoever raised you said about minding
your business and not judging people, especially those who you do not
know?

My man.
Yesterday at 10:49pm

(Bobby Knuckles)
you can call me bobby, and i was raised by wolves. i’ll give you the
cold honest truth here: you haven’t found love with a black man, not
because there’s a mass conspiracy orchestrated by the christina
aguileras of the world, but because you’re appearing to be a miserable
person and bitter as shit. try a little introspection before you point
all these fingers.
Yesterday at 11:01pm

(AG)
See, Bobby, IF you knew me (hint hint), you would know that all this
“bitter and miserable as shit”-ness that I exhibit is the RESULT OF,
rather than the cause of, how I and many other similarly situated
black women have been treated by black men.

Now, as I did Mr. Eazy, I will wish you a good night.
Yesterday at 11:08pm

(J-Beezy)
(AG), on your comments about love not being enough to sustain a
relationship with a life partner, you have the research on your side,
according to something interesting I read from Reuters the other day:
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSSP483675. “In love?
It’s not enough to keep a marriage, study finds”
11 hours ago

(B-Eazy)
This link says nothing about race. Love may not be enough, but neither
is race. I agree with Ms. AG that love may not always be enough.
But I disagree with any implication that race is.
12 minutes ago

(J-Beezy)
I didn’t imply that race was enough. Or at least, I didn’t mean to
imply that. Wasn’t my intention. I only intended to respond to
AG‘s comment to me: “I believe that, when it comes to finding a
life partner, too much emphasis is placed on ‘love.'” I happened to
read that article the other day, and I thought it was relevant to the
point she was making. I brought it up because, as
something of a romantic, I would’ve been more inclined to debate the
point about whether love is enough (and argued in favor of love often
being enough) if I had not recently read about that study. That’s the
only reason I posted it. I thought it fit into this conversation’s
subplot about what makes a good relationship, but I wasn’t suggesting
that I was gung-ho behind any of the factors mentioned in the study as
the key to successful relationships. Merely agreeing with AG that
it seems love is not always enough to make a relationship last. I
think that means I agree with you on that point too, B-EAzy.
6 minutes ago

B-Eazy
Ok, thanks for the clarification, J-Beezy. I do think that the article is
compelling and what we see in the movies and hear in the radio makes
us believe something that unfortunately probably isn’t true. In the
context of the previous conversation, I thought you meant to imply
other things. Thanks for the follow up. Good post. Solid article.

So…. Good and heated, just the way I like my interracial dating convos. What do y’all think? Is B-Eazy a self-hating sellout? And by that justification is Skip Gates too? Are these guys the reason the educated AG’s of the world can’t find love? Or is AG’s chip on her shoulder her own worst enemy? (From my perspective, I do think the “I have no friends, only acquaintances” comment speaks volumes about an inability to form close relationships) Does IR dating really get people that upset? Why? And what about the double standard when black women date white guys? I mean half the time I post anything about relationship difficulties, at least a couple black women make it known that they have options outside the race. And everyone seems cool with that. Discuss

But would we get anywhere near as upset about this?

But would we get anywhere near as upset about this?

Dont do it! Reconsider! Read some liter...!

"Don't do it! Reconsider! Read some liter...!"

So last week, we talked about using Indian Style dating to get out of this ircular strategy of dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons. You’ve found the one you want to be with, and by jove, man, they want to be with you too. You plan an elegant yet understated affair, whose pictures will be ruined by your tacky second cousin showing up in a pastel orange suit with a powder blue tie looking for all intents and purposes like the Syracuse Orangemen mascot or perhaps Ricard Petty’s pit crew chief.

From the 1998 Steve Harvey Collection. Ascot sold separately

From the 1998 Steve Harvey Collection. Ascot sold separately

But it was a lovely ceremony and now you’re going to live happily ever after, right? Fuck naw! Statistically at least, your marriage is likely to be a soul-crushing exercise in crippling boredom, spite, and passive-aggressive power struggles. That’s according to a couple new articles out here. Enjoy:

“I love my husband” said Shanna Woodbury of their marriage. “But I feel so overworked and underappreciated. I work full-time like my husband, but if I don’t maintain the domestic responsibilities of the house, nothing gets done. Added to that, I manage our rental properties and take care of everything for our kids, alone.”

Her husband started to echo similar frustrations.

“I’m faithful to my wife, I give her my whole paycheck but I work the late shift and my job is demanding. When I come home, I don’t need to hear her mouth — I just need to watch my favorite football game in peace.”

Shanna grows more overwhelmed, tempers flare and the two begin arguing more and listening less. Tension took over their home and their fighting began to take a toll on the rest of the family, resulting in disciplinary issues with the kids.”

Sounds like a heap of fune. Or how about this, from the Atlantic, written by a woman freshly divorced:

While a Rutgers study suggests that only 38 percent of married people in America describe themselves as happy, we stay married for many good reasons. Take, for instance, the otherwise unaffordability of homeownership.

Some of us stay married because we’re in competition with our divorcing 1960s and 1970s parents, who made such a hash of it. What looks appealing to us now, in an increasingly frenetic, digital world, is the 1950s marriage. Writes Karen Karbo, in Generation Ex, reminiscing about her mother’s evening routine of serving old-fashioneds to her dad by the pool:

At the turn of the millennium, our marriages and remarriages bear almost no resemblance to these single-paycheck, cocktail-hour unions. Once considered sexist and monotonous, these staid marriages are emblems of an easier time. What seemed too dull and constricting a mere fifteen years ago now looks luxurious, like those huge gas-guzzling cars with all that chrome and the tuck-and-roll seats.

Some of us stay married because along with fancy schools, tae kwan do lessons, and home-cooked organic food, the two-parent marriage is another impressive—and rare—attainment to bestow on our fragile, gifted children.

Some of us stay married because … what else is there? A lonely apartment and a hot plate?

That said, it’s clear that females are dissatisfied—more and more, divorce seems to be initiated by women. If marriage is the Old World and what lies beyond is the New World, it’s the apparently stable men (comfortable alone in their postfeminist den with their Cook’s Illustrated and their porn) who are Old Worlders, and the Girls’ Night Out, questionnaire-completing women who are the questing New Worlders. They most embody what Tocqueville described as America’s “restless temper,” or l’inquiétude du caractère. (Interestingly, according to EnlightenNext magazine, some northern European women are reportedly eschewing their progressive northern European male counterparts and dating Muslims, who are more like “real men.”)

To work, to parent, to housekeep, to be the ones who schedule “date night,” only to be reprimanded in the home by male kitchen bitches, and then, in the bedroom, to be ignored—it’s a bum deal. And then our women’s magazines exhort us to rekindle the romance. You rarely see men’s magazines exhorting men to rekindle the romance.

Sounds pretty shitty. The interesting stat there was that only 38% of married couples are happy. And knowing the 50% divorce, it almost makes you wonder, what are your chances here? And why are these numbers so appalling? Everyone I know wants to get married, men and women alike. they all say, they’re only going to get married once, won’t cheat on their spouse, and it will be a lovely time. But someone here is lying. And if they really wanted to get married that bad, wouldn’t they be already. I’m beginning to think that people are starting to realize that what people envision married life to be is for the most part a fantasy promoted by endless romantic comedies and trite love songs. In all truth, single life is probably much better than married life. I mean, think about it. No more threesomes with drunk college girls. You can’t buy that Porsche you wanted because you need a minivan to haul around a shitload of toys for junior. Your woman is most likely going to get fatter. And lazier in the bedroom. And stop wearing lingerie to bed and throwing that rag on your head. And then harass you about where you were last night with Darryl and them. Ladies, your man’s hair is gonna start falling out. He’s going to get a beer gut and a limpy from all that drinking and fried food he gets from poeyes since you’re too tired to cook. He’s going to trip every time some other man gives you the slightest bit of attention. But he’s not going to fuck you either, because his sex drive has gone to zero with all the stress at work and your sagging bitties.

Oooh, I hate you!

"Oooh, I hate you!"

I’m just playig devil’s advocate above, but let’s be honest, that does happen to a lot of people. So how does one keep a marriage intact, fun, and productive? I mean, I know it can be done, I’ve seen it.

1. Marry the right TYPE of person:

Why Him? Why Her? explains the hormonal forces that trigger humans to be romantically attracted to some people and not to others (a phenomenon also documented in the animal world). Fisher posits that each of us gets dosed in the womb with different levels of hormones that impel us toward one of four basic personality types:

The Explorer—the libidinous, creative adventurer who acts “on the spur of the moment.” Operative neurochemical: dopamine.

The Builder—the much calmer person who has “traditional values.” The Builder also “would rather have loyal friends than interesting friends,” enjoys routines, and places a high priority on taking care of his or her possessions. Operative neurotransmitter: serotonin.

The Director—the “analytical and logical” thinker who enjoys a good argument. The Director wants to discover all the features of his or her new camera or computer. Operative hormone: testosterone.

The Negotiator—the touchy-feely communicator who imagines “both wonderful and horrible things happening” to him- or herself. Operative hormone: estrogen, then oxytocin.

Fisher reviewed personality data from 39,913 members of Chemistry.com. Explorers made up 26 percent of the sample, Builders 28.6 percent, Directors 16.3 percent, Negotiators 29.1 percent. While Explorers tend to be attracted to Explorers, and Builders tend to be attracted to Builders, Directors are attracted to Negotiators, and vice versa.

I’m an Explorer. I need to find another Explorer. See, I’ve already knocked oy 74% of the population who won’t fit.

2. Stop letting yourself go Unless your husband’s a chubby chaser, he will be disgusted by your body if you gain 15 or more pounds. Fellas, if you never take your wife out, some young dude with a cougar complex will and trendy jeans will. Maintan yourself.

3. Marry a good looking person It’s hard enough for a couple to stay faithful just because of sheer boredom. They’re doing the same tricks over and over, and the novelty wears off. But at least if they look good, it might be still be a good trick. It’s like having an old car. that 1979 Porsche 930 may be old as shit, and not quite handle like it used to, but when you shine it up, you can still appreciate its beauty and be proud to own it. That 1984 Dodge K-car, not so much. Be prepared to pay for the Porsche.And yeah, they’re gonna be a little more high maintenance, it’s worth it.

Still fine after all these years

Still fine after all these years"You shole is ugly!"

4. A man room For man stuff. And a woman place in the house for their shit. Have your own identity and your own thing going on. Just cause you’re married doesn’t mena you cease to exist as an individual. Uness you’re both co-dependent. That’s fine then

5. Agree about sex I think people just assume that the same level of humping that occurs during the first getting to know you phase is going to last perpetually. I don’t think it does. And no one talks about it. You’ll talk about money, religion, and all the other gamebreakers, but no one has a game plan for one of the top two marriage-killers. Figure out how often you need it, how often they need it, what to do if one partner gets less attractive, or wants to get some side action, whether or not all that freaky shit y’all used to do is going to disappear once you’re legally bound, what to do if he gets ED, or if she goes through those weird hormonal thingies, etc. There should be a plan here, people. If you’ve covered #3, you’re already ahead of the curve.

6. I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve never been married. I’ve just recently been in a relationship over a year in duration for the first time. If you’re listening to what I’m saying, you’re stupid. Like learning to drive from an Asian person or something. What’s wrong with you? But seriously, what are your thoughts, both those who are married and those just thinking about it?


I asked her what tribe you with, red dot or feather? Actually, I didnt, that would have sounded mad racist

I asked her "what tribe you with, red dot or feather?" Actually, I didn't, that would have sounded mad racist

So as you may know, your boy B St. Arruh is getting a little long in the tooth. Not the young buck I once was. I’m one of those people who now have to ask others what popular slang means, and I think it sounds silly, because back in my day, we called it….And then will misuse it in a sentence. “Yep. really wavey right now. I’m on a boat. It’s pretty nice.” Yeah, I’m that guy. And as with most guys my age, we start thinking about marriage more and more seriously. Fortunately, there’s been no shortage of news in the media related to marriage in the past couple weeks. So the next couple issues, we’re going to delve a little further into this marriage thing. There’s been some good stuff out there as far as whether men really want to get married in the first place, why some people have such miserable marriages, and of course, why Richard Jefferson skipped town on his little bride. We’ll get into that later.

But what about actually getting into a marriage. I mean is dating the way we go about it really the best way? You put on your good shirt. Grab your boys and go out to whatever the happening nightspot is, drink lots of alcohol, flirt with women, and then go out on dates with them. You start having sex, and she asks where this is going. Not wanting to give up easy access to sex as you please, you decide you can deal with her personality and on balance like her as a person, so you make her your girlfriend. You keep at this for however long, until the shine wears off and one of you decides it’s time to head for greener pastures, leaving the other heartbroken and destroyed. Cars are keyed, vases are thrown, but after a brief mourning period, you rinse and repeat. You do this for a while until you’re too old to go to those same clubs and you don’t understand the slang anymore and the parental units start dropping hints that they’d like a grandchild to spoil. And by then you happen to be dating someone, and they pretty much meet your qualifications. You can overlook whatever (insert bad habit, crippling personality flaw, disgusting physical feature, etc here). And there you go.

I was having dinner with some corporate folks the other day and my econ professor was there, and somewhere into the third bottle of wine, we got into the topic of marriage and he suggested we try the Indian method of marriage. As an economist, he was familiar with the divorce rates, and thought it would be a perfect solution to the marriage woes in our country. Woah, woah, woah. Arranged marriages? That goes against everything that’s good and right with this country! It’s anti-American, anti freedom, and anti-apple pie! We don’t want your Al Qaeda marriages over here! But then, one of my friends, who is Indian, explained what actually happens. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not so much that parents barter their daughter away for a negotiated number of cows, and delightful silk Saaris, so much as they act as sort of an advanced level matchmaker. When their yung’uns are of marriage age, they find out who in their circle has a similar age yung’un and they set them up on a date. The two actually do in fact date, but they do it a hyperaccelerated velocity compared to the American manner. The first date is often something akin to a pre merger due dilligence meeting. Making sure the other person is of the same bent, social class, and general wavelength. You find out what their occupation is, how much money they make, how many kids they want. Things that we think of as terribly rude to bring up on a first date, but think about, it. I mean these are all dealmakers or dealbreakers in a marriage, so why would we continue on if the answers are wrong. If you make it to the hird date, your fourth is pretty much picking out rings at Zales. From an NYMAg article a few years ago from an Indian woman:

I’ve never heard from an Indian man the New York beg-off phrase “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now. I have a lot of things going on in my life.”Indian men also seem to share my belief that Westerners have made the progression toward marriage unnecessarily agonizing. Neal, a 35-year-old Indian lawyer I know, thinks it’s absurd how a couple in America can date for years and still not know if they want to get married. “I think I would only need a couple of months to get to know a girl before I married her,” he says.

In more traditional arranged marriages—which are still very much alive and well in India—couples may get only one or two meetings before their wedding day. In America, and in big Indian cities, a couple may get a few months before they are expected to walk down the aisle, or around the fire, as they do seven times, in keeping with Hindu custom.

But I’m not sure how well that would work out here. I think to some degree Indians are much more pragmatic. They get married because it’s the thing to do to start a family and they learn to love each other. They go into marriage seeing it as a duty and something to work at, whereas we have these hollywood-fueled dreams of passion, romance, and the best sex we’ve ever had with someone who’s more attractive, smarter, and sexier than anyone else in the world. I’ll talk about how narcissism kills relationships later. But for the purpose of this conversation, it means we’re always on the hunt for a better deal. We dismiss people from our relationship lives for the most insignificant of reasons. Too short, too fat, not good looking enough, doesn’t dress well enough, yada ya yada ya. If the dude ain’t Barack, and the chick ain’t Beyonce, we throw them back into the river because there’s always the chance something better will come along.

Latika!

Latika!

For some Indians, the conundrum is exacerbated by the fact that our parents had no choice for a partner; the only choice was how hard they’d work to be happy. My father saw my mother once before they got married. He loves to shock Americans by recounting how he lost sight of her at a bazaar the day after their wedding and lamented to himself that he would never find her again, as he’d forgotten what she looked like. So while we, as modern Indian women, eschew the idea of marrying without love, the idea that we’re being too picky tends to nag even more than it otherwise would.

What I do like about the idea though, is the ruthless efficiency of it. We’ve all wasted time, years maybe even, dealing with a person who we knew we wouldn’t end up with. Is this not the definition of insanity? I mean, I’ve done it. It seemed fine at the time. It was comfortable, and you like the person well enough, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I broke up with a girl once, and she couldn’t understand why. We had such a great time and all, but I explained that I didn’t see a future. She was like, “well, it’s not like we have to get married or anything.” And I started thinking, well if I’m going to not date other people, and we both know this isn’t going to work out, then well, what are we doing? So, from now on, I’m going Indian dating. I’m only going to date women I could see myself getting married to. If not, I will explain to them that their other options are friendship or casual sex, or neither, and they can go about their business while I try to find a more suitable wife. Who will join me?

Thts fried chicken, curried chicken, damn Im getting fat.

Tht's fried chicken, curried chicken, damn I'm getting fat.

So in the this episode of Romance and Finance, we’re going to focus on the neverending obsession we have with golddiggers. As much as we may say we hate them, let’s face it, we love talking about them. Without gold diggers, where would our economy be? What incentive would there be for men to work? To innovate? To buy Ferrarris? To sack Egypt? None. Before I begin today’s extrapolation, I want to share with you a little post from our friends at Dating a Banker Anonymous:

Dear Daba Girls,

I am a potential FBF (Finance Boyfriend), I am in my mid/late-twenties working as a trader for a bank in Zurich, which is certainly not as big or as happening as New York however, having lived in a big city, I like it here. The ski slopes are only an hour away during winter and in the summer, weekend trips around Europe are all too easy to organize. Bearing all of this in mind; there is still one aspect of my life which is incomplete and that is: I am still a “potential FBF”. I am having trouble finding a decent DABA girl to share it all with. I lie awake at night dreaming of being mentioned (anonymously, and although this may defeat the object of the whole exercise in the first place, she would of course tell me all about it afterwards and we would both laugh about it…) on your website by a young lady who desperately needs help trying to figure out new and exciting ways of spending my money and of prying me away from the office.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I lack attention from the fairer of the species, it just so happens that I am unable to tell the difference between those that are truly worth it (DABA Girls) and those that aren’t (Bottle-popping girls).  So for the sake of “potential FBFs” (can you think of a better term for that one?) around the world could you please give me some pointers as to how to tell the difference between the two?  How do I know that the girl I may be chatting to at the bar is actually a complete sleaze who is just in it short-term for the cash?  And more importantly, how do I send out the right signals to the girls that are actually worth it?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly,

Timo

Ah, finally we get some love from Switzerland, where the locals love cheese with holes, classic timepieces, and chocolate as much as we do. Not to mention the huge vaults filled to the brim with gold.  Don’t despair Timo. We can help.

Spotting a true DABA Girl is as easy as ABC (I’m watching the Michael Jackson tribute so just go with it). Take a cue from MJ and be on the look out for:

A: Authenticity. A true DABA Girl is authentic in all that she does. Her boobs, laugh, and intentions are real. Her intentions with you, or any guy, may include a little somethin’ somethin’ about a man that can ‘provide a certain lifestyle’ but she will be honest and upfront about it. On the other hand, if she tells you she is just looking for a soul mate and then claims to love action movies, you have encoutnered a bottle poppin’ girl charading as DABA Girl and your B.S. meter should go off.

B: Boyish charm. I’m talking about her alpha personality. A DABA Girl doesn’t need you to order for her (but you should), she’s self sufficient, opinionated, and confident. Beware, she’s not going to let you get away with much. Make sure that your information on the late Mr. McNamara’s career is factual (she’ll know if you’re just regurgitating yesterday’s article from the Times).

C: Coolness. A DABA girl isn’t desperate. She doesn’t care if she meets you or not. Most likely she’s dating three other guys already. You’re going to have to approach her.

Which brings me to these easy steps:

1: You’re zeroed in on your girl. Whether you’re at a bar and she’s laughing away with her friends or sitting at a cafe reading Isadore Sharp’s Four Seasons send over a drink or stop and say hi. Simple as that. Warning: DABA Girls are not girl haters and therefore do travel in packs.  To get to her you may have to approach a group of 4+ women. If this intimidates you, you are not FBF material, and you should stick to bottle poppin girls who generally travel in two’s to avoid competition.

2: Be calm and confident. A DABA Girl wants to meet a guy who is uber confident and won’t be intimidated by her. Don’t be a jerk, but a sprinkling of cockiness never hurt.

3: If you click, ask her if she would like to get together some time. Call the next day (note: I said call, don’t text or email). Take her on a date that you would like to go on. Don’t take her to Benihanas because you want to make sure she’s not into you just for your money. Don’t take her to a five star restaurant, you’ll look like you’re trying too hard. Take her to a restaurant that you’ve been dying to try or one that you love.

If you are indeed the potential FBF you claim to be, we assume you can take it from here.

See, I wanted to start this out on a nice, conciliatory note. A nice man with some money wants to find him a nice girl who will appreciate his money. Everyone wins. Hooray! Of course, that’s not how it seems to go down in my little world. For the most part, whenever the topic comes up during dinner, it quickly devolves into men describing every woman who wants more than a two-piece from Popeye’s as a gold digger and the women accusing the men of being cheap bastards who are too poor by several hundreds of thousands of dollars to even show up on any self-respecting gold digger’s radar. Which begs the question: What is a gold-digger? I mean I always thought it was fairly self-evident but apparently I’m wrong. Is Kelis a gold-digger? Or just a woman scorned who deserves a decent severance package after what her husband put her through? What about Heather Mills? Is it her fault she got married in a 50/50 jusrisdiction? More to the point, what about less celebrated, everyday women who have differing opinions on their financial responsibility within a relationship? Or who have an income standard for the men they date? Are they filthy gold digging whores? Or just women with standards? With that in mind, I’ll give you my take on the varying levels of diggery

Need I even add a caption?

Need I even add a caption?

1. Professional Gold Digger The Bad News: This is the type of woman who has the skills, mentality, and charm to rape your pockets. We’re talking ad infinetum legally enforced payments here. The Good News: She could care less about your broke ass. Unless you’re a banker, ballplayer, or some other level of highly compensated dude, she’s not interested. Your splurges are her everyday trick-off money. She’s been in a helicopter before, likely had sex in one. She not only has been in a Ferrari before, she knows how to work the paddle-shift and can parallel park three models perfectly (She has trouble with the Enzo because of the rear visibility). She doesn’t need a job. Why would she waste her time working some 9-5 slaveship when she could be shopping, starting an ill-conceived clothing line or running her man’s fraudulent tax shelter nonprofit foundation. When women berate men for worrying about gold-diggers because their incomes don’t qualify, this is the woman they’re talking about. When she’s with you, she’ll spend your cheese. When she’s not with you anymore, she’ll STILL be spending your cheese. For all intents and purposes, this chick really isn’t in the conversation because she really is out of your league.

You aint quite in the majors yet, baby

You ain't quite in the majors yet, baby

2. Amateur Gold Digger This is where we start getting into the danger zone. Unlike the professional gold-digger, the amateur doesn’t do this full-time. She keeps a job or income stream going because she recognizes the cyclical nature of gold diggery. Often one of these jobs or hobbies will include either a position which keeps her in close contact with rich men or some sort of modeling/stripping gig to keep her attractiveness front and center for those that would trick.

See me, rich man, see me!

See me, rich man, see me!

As such, her standards are lower. While she may be date the same dudes as the professional GD, she’s missing either the looks, skill, or mentality to convert this into a full time occupation. She may even be conflicted about being a gold digger and secretly want to be an independent woman. She never pays for dates, but will happily accept drinks from men she is completely uninterested in at the nightclub/lounge. She knows all the promoters and never waits in line.Occasionally, these women will go through  period of time of rejecting their diggerness, choosing to grow their hair natural, compose poetry, and smoke weed after being emotionally hurt by a rich man. This phase will lapse quickly as she realizes them chewstick/backpack dudes are every bit as shady, but all she gets out of them is a vegetarian meal at some organic restaurant and some brick-pack Georgia dirt weed. Weave and Louis Bag status will return quickly. This woman often equates her worth as a person with what she can get out of men and is prone to extreme moodiness and periods of depression when the money isn’t flowing at her and euphoria and happiness when she is receiving a lot of attention.

If I show him Im still flexible, hell buy me a drink

If I show him I'm still flexible, he'll buy me a drink

3.LeechProbably the most prevalent of the gold-digging species, this bitch is just cheap. She has a job but likely spends a good deal of her discretionary income on frivolous things. She despises being called a gold digger and will be the most vocal opponent of the use of the term in describing women. She justifies her bent by using cliches like “I’m spoiled” and “I like the finer things in life.” She enjoys the attention of men, and often engages in diggerish pursuit more for the sport of it than for any legitimate financial gain. While she talks a good game about getting money from men, she usually lacks the discipline to move up to professional status. Often, this is a phase enjoyed by women in their early 20’s.  She is usually getting boned by a broke ass dude on the side who’s either working on a record deal or doing some other economically irrelevant shit. This means that she can string men along for free dinners and gifts for quite some time without giving up any ass as she has a consistent dick supply. As a pragmatist, she recognizes that she needs to keep her shit somewhat together and that she will likely not be able to maintain a lifestyle off of a man forever. She is quick to call a dude cheap and argue that she could pay for some shit herself, but never does. If she takes leftovers home, it’s very likely that her producer boyfriend will enjoy them on your dime. Her monetary standards are fairly low and typically consist of subsistence items like dinners, groceries, and occasionally a nice gift. As such, these women are extremely dangerous to men making below six figures as they can quickly drain away income that could be invested. These are the kind of broads whose bladders be acting up right at the exact moment the bill’s about to arrive at a group dinner.

Now on to the second point: Why do men have such a harsh reaction to gold diggers? Two reasons. The first is that men ARE their money. That’s what we’re celebrated for, recognized for, and put on the cover of Forbes for. No one celebrates Diddy for his talent. They celebrate him because he’s paid. Gold diggers are by nature, a threat to that money, whether via a professional taking millions in the divorce and draining you monthly with alimony, or by a leech siphoning off what little entertainment cash you have. The second is that while we ARE to the public, our money, we’re still at the end of the day who we are as most importantly as people. We want people to like us for who we are, not for what we can do for them. That’s why a surprising amount of rich men end up marrying fairly plain or non-gorgeous women. It’s fine to trick off some dough to fuck a dime, but almost no one wants to wake up in the morning, look at the woman sleeping next to them, and know that if this bed in this bedroom in this four bedroom home in this gated community were in a one bedroom apartment in a sketchy neighborhood, they wouldn’t be here. That’s just not a good feeling. That’s why you so many men who have made it big also harbor a slight disgust toward the women who who approach them now. The “Back then” story is real to a lot of men, because we know at our core, we’re the same person, it’s just the circumstances have changed. So if someone wasn’t interested in you then, is it that they’re interested in you know, or interested in what you can provide. No one likes being used. I imagine it’s the same story to a lot of women who have lost a ton of weight. Now why we still act a monkey for y’all and try to impress you with our degrees and earning power given all this, I don’t know. I guess we’re conflicted too.

I be popping bottles, Ma! But dont expect me to pay for dinner. That would make you a gold digger, trying to go after the money Im trying to flaunt here. Unacceptable

I be popping bottles, Ma! But don't expect me to pay for dinner. That would make you a gold digger, trying to go after the money I'm trying to flaunt here. Unacceptable

So gosh. Folks really were feeling some kind of way about the last issue of the B St. Arrruh Chronicles. It always interests me that of almost any topic surrounding romance, the one which receives the strongest emotional reaction is finance. People go deep into their bunkers on that, and there’s usually very little compromise on the issue. Why is this so, you ask? Well, a couple things, I venture.

Whats the difference between an appelate judge and a supreme court justice? Like 30-40 million, cocksucker, beat it

""What's the difference between an appelate judge and a supreme court justice?" "Like 30-40 million, cocksucker, beat it""

1. The changing role of women in society. Let’s face it, we’re not quite sure what to make of it. By we, I mean women or men. Men don’t neccesarily know how to deal with a woman who is their financial equal or better, because that’s not really compatible with the traditional role a man being the leader in society. Money=power, so it shifts the dynamic. Women aren’t that comfortable with it either, by all measures. There are women who embrace this removal of barriers and expansion of opportunities wholeheartedly , and throw off or even look down at things considered womanly, like housewifedom or cooking and cleaning. There are also women on the end of the spectrum who want and expect a man to be the provider and will accept nothing less. Then there are women who enjoy the benefits of expanded opportunity but still want the benefits of the traditional role, and find that it’s hard having your cake and eating it too.

And Ill be goddamned if my rims aint too

"And I'll be goddamned if my rims ain't too"

Bottle Service $1500...Stuntin on you h*es, priceless! Actually, more like $2217.38 when you factor in credit card interest, bounced check fee, late fee on credit card...shit

Bottle Service $1500...Stuntin on you h*es, priceless! Actually, more like $2217.38 when you factor in credit card interest, bounced check fee, late fee on credit card...shit

2. The role of Consumption in black social life. Boy, we love money, don’t we? Actually, we must hate it as much as we love it because we give it away like it’s burning a hole in our pockets. You know where I go everytime I need a pic to make a point bout black folks’ culture of crippling consumption? ATLPics.com. The most relationshiply challenged city in America and also the gaudiest in the Southeast. Don’t know if there’s a correlation there, but if someone wants to run a regression analysis, I’m all ears. But on a macro level, Black Americans like to show off accoutrements of wealth I would argue, more than any other people in the world outside of maybe Dubai. It’s our thing. Every rap song I can think of makes at least one allusion to a name-brand product. I saw an MTV Cribs the other day where Soldjah Boy  was showing off his bedroom making a particular point to mention the fact that he was walking on a $2,000 Louis Vuitton rug and slepping on a $100,ooo Gucci bedsheet set. The “rug” he was walking on was actually a beach towel (maybe $350 max).

“Dih whut it feeyah lahk to wawk on $2,000”

Monkey. Why the obsession? My theory is because we’re so ashamed of poverty. as a Black American, you’re never more than two steps away from poverty. Not you yourself, maybe, but on any given day, if you turn on the TV, you will see someone who looks like just you who is poor. And you’re ashamed of it. Your parents may have been poor. And you’re ashamed of it. If you’re poor yourself, you’re probably ashamed of it. So you try to convince people you’re not poor by adopting what you think are the habits of the rich, and ensuring that everyone sees this. Why do you think they elevate the bottle service tables at clubs? So people can see you. Why do they put sparklers in the bottles now? So people can see you. The club owners have realized that you’re not paying to get drunk, you’re paying to have people see you being able to spend lots of money frivolously. Theories aside, it is what it is. Statistically, black males spend 32% more of their income on “visible consumerism” than whites. Argue all day about the cause, but it’s a reality.

3. Trust We don’t trust each other for shit. One of the reasons for the above issue is that we don’t trust each other to be truthful about their wealth.  So unless it’s it in the form of something we can see or feel, we don’t believe it. Warren Buffett drives a Buick and he’s worth about 50-100 Jay-Z’s on any given Sunday. But Jay-Z won’t be seen in anything less than a Maybach because if he did, we’d assume he was going broke. Shit would be all over Mediatakeout. We also don’t trust each other with our feelings. We assume bad intentions on the part of other black people until we’re proven wrong. Go ahead and walk down the street in some strange black residential neighborhood. Folks will eyeball the shit out of you because their assumption until otherwise proven wrong, is that you’re there to do them harm. Likewise, in the dating pool, many people have seen and had so much wrong done to them and others that there’s no value to be had in placing trust with another person regarding your feelings. We’ve made shady the new norm. As AllieXXX noted,

Aaaaahhh mannn! How far will men go to get woman? I don’t care what you guys say…the reason you work so hard for the flyy whips, clothes & jewelry, is to stunt and ATTRACT WOMAN. You men know good and well how we feel about wealthy men with status. Now, men being so aware of how we woman feel about powerful men, pushes some to feel like they have to put up a front. Some of you lame ass dudes front your self right into debt too, spending money that you DO NOT have. Where the FUCK do they do that at? Pshhhh, apparently all these LAMES are in our upscale night clubs every Friday & Saturday poppin mad bottles, in the latest fashions, & RENTED exotic cars. Along with all them “diamonds” in their chain, there’s always some young DUMB BITC\H trailing behind his ass because she think he got some cake.WAIT — don’t get me wrong I wont refuse a drink from yo broke ass, but I WILL keep it moving.Ive found out about a few men on the South Beach scene that aren’t what they appear to be threw coworkers …like “I dance with your baby momma, you NOT THAT NIGGA”. Ughhhh, y’all know the ones umm talking bout, the ones that claim they ‘ballinn’ yet works a whack job and stuntin with good credit. By Sunday night he done maxed out his gold card tryin’ to bag a bitch. Either that or him and his friends put their checks together for a table.LADIES BEWARE OF THE WEEKEND BALLER.

And then there’s Absolut Brooke who I mentioned in a previous post who  mentions

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” -Carrie Bradshaw

until then..there is louis vuitton, whom has never failed me.

Now, I’ll admit these aren’t women who are neccesarily representative of mainstream black women but their lack of faith in the opposite sex is hardly a rare concept. So then you get women who don’t trust men with their feelings and thus don’t neccesarily like or respect these men, but will accept physical consumer goods from then. And then you get men who don’t trust that the woman in question actually is interested in them for anything more than their ability to contribute physical consumer goods. Isn’t that ironic? We spend all our time trying to prove how much money we have, but then get mad at you because we think you’re only after this money we’ve spent all night trying to prove to you we have? Don’t you think? Someone tweeted today about how all her white homegirls from grad school are engaged or married but almost none of her black ones are. When it boils down to it, I think the reason we don’t is because we find it so hard to trust other black people with our feelings, lives, and futures. And why shouldn’t we? We’re a shady ass bunch of people on some level. We got Steve McNair caking up some jump-off and trying to get rid of her when the shit looks like it’s about to hit the fan. Weezy’s knocking up not only his girlfreind but his side girlfriend at the same time. Superhead’s giving brain to anyone who’ll give her a place to stay and then outing them in her book for a couple bucks. Kobe’s off cheating on his wife. But a $4 million ring will make her shut the fuck up quick, won’t it? And these are our celebrities. Our role models supposedly. As Fly mentioned last week:

I was taught to allow a man to spend his money on me, because if he’s not spending it on me then I can bet that he’s spending it on some other woman (or rims or jewelry or shoes or whatever the hell else that makes these men feel flashy). Call it what you like…

So clearly she doesn’t trust this man, and guess what? He probably doesn’t trust her either. Good luck getting married, having kids and maintaining a relationship! Or, actually, maybe don’t, lest you end up like Nas and Kelis. We got Kelis trying to stick Nas for just the baby money but $15,000 in trips and entertainment a month. Shit, we got Nas cheating on his wife while she’s pregnant. And let SBW tell it:

Kelis is MARRIED to a millionaire who (allegedly) cheated on her and was abusive (that’s y she filed) an isn’t fotoing any of the expenses for his unborn child. In that situation you hit a man where it hurts – his wallet

Yup. That’s what it’s become. Ladies, we hit you where it hurts: fidelity. And you hit us where it hurts: our pockets. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind, I guess.

Coming soon: The gold-digger issue!