The Communication Chronicles Pt. 1 The opening line

Posted: August 13, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,
Glad I didnt take no for an answer

Glad I didn't take no for an answer

So I’ve decided a new series is in order. And it centers around what it hink is the most fundamental issue affecting not just black relationships, but relationships period: Communication. Let’s face it, men and women communicate in different ways. Now, I haven’t read the 5 Love Languages, but I think I will. Because I, like pretty much everyone else in the world, sometimes gets confused by what the opposite sex is trying to tell me. They’re trying to tell me something, I’m trying to listen, and yet the intended message gets lost in the mix. And sometimes I try to say something, she tries to listen, but still, we come to no conclusion. So let’s talk about it.

One of the things I hear over and over again from upper and middle class black women is that their male peers aren’t approaching them. They’re not “putting in any work.” Says the homette, Pass Me a Shovel,

So what’s up with these college-educated dudes, anyway? The ones who got them a lil piece of paper, and want to act like their shit is the freshest thing since Wild Honeysuckle and Butterfly Flower hit the shelves at Bath N Body Works. You’ve seen them around. You can usually find them standing along the wall, or in VIP at the clubs with their supastunna shades on, their button-downs, or the relic-style fitted tees with jeans and shiny sharp shoes, trying their damnest to emulate the “coolest muthafucka on the planet!”

Dancing? Oh no, they don’t dance. Didn’t you get the memo? They’re too good for that. And buy you a drink? Are you KIDDING them? It’s the 00’s (that sounds lame – we gotta come up with another description for our generation, btw) – YOU buy THEM a drink. “A Long Island, please”… Do you want a little umbrella straw and a lemon to go with that, you siddity BASTARD!

But about 65% of the time I’ve gone out in the Midwest, I’ve faced the same problem: dudes with a stick (or maybe a dick) up their asses. These are dudes that I would call high maintenance. They’re educated and rather accomplished, well groomed, with a bit of swag, and they even look decent. But they all seem to have a problem with approaching women….or maybe they don’t want to?…. While the women are all out on the dance floor, these dudes are just posted up on the sidelines, drinks in hand, observing. And if you happen to catch their eye, they will stare you down, and never approach you.

Damn these conceited bastards. Who do they think they are not approaching their beautiful black queens. Simple enough, no? But wait. From Absolut Brooke

“please observe obvious signs that the woman is not interested. there is NOTHING worse than a man who is a fucking pest, and following you around the parking lot. you look desperate and lame.”

Um, I mean, that’s fair. OK. Maybe I’ll try out this lounge here. From Josie in the City

“It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my girlfriend’s, because I absolutely do but at times, when we go out to a nice lounge, I don’t want to watch any of my girlfriend’s lose her sense of self when an “Alpha male” walks through the door. My mood takes a turn for the uncomfortable if there is any outlandish behavior being exhibited by one of the ladies. There is nothing that puts me off quicker than seeing one of the chica’s trolling for men….

All I am saying is that I would love to have some girlfriend time without some lounge lizard thinking he is going to get lucky that night with some hoo hoo action. Not with these ladies you’re not. So beat it. Scram. Move along lounge lizard. These seats are taken and no, we don’t care if you think you “know us from somewhere.” Puleeease.”

Oh. Well, sorry, I was just trying to meet some new people.  Sorry for bothering you.Let’s see what Daydreamer had to say

I’m sorry that I refuse to settle, and meeting my potential husband at a bar, club or party is unacceptable (and settling.)

Call me paranoid but the club scene is not like a bar at Cheers where everybody knows your name. If I am out with the gals for the night, it’s just me and them. Mixing and mingling may get flirty and fun but the buck has to stop somewhere. I have seen too many 11 o’clock news flashes about some bridge & tunnel chick going missing from a local club and her body is found floating in the Hudson. Extreme, maybe. But am I alive? Yes.

In my opinion, meeting my mate in a respectable place kills a lot of speculation and pre-judgment. Recently my homegirls and I entertained the idea of exotic dancing to keep a man happy. We wanted to get a few lessons and take notes on how to this, so what better place than where it’s done live and in living color? We headed to the strip club and I learned first hand that the strip club has become much less about the women swinging on the poles, but more of a social event for the opposite sexes. I was shocked. So sure I meet nice guy A there but WHERE did I meet him? Strip Club. Right. A ton of questions fill my head: What sort of connotation does this place have? Is this where we spends his ‘spare’ time? Did he come here to mack to women? Hmmmm.

There are a couple exceptions to my rule. If I’m attending a club or bar for an event like a private birthday party and I meet a nice guy, I’ll take him seriously. I am also very comfortable with exchanging info at house parties, too — as long as I know the host. The same can be said for professional networking events or group dinners/outings. I always like to have a POR (point of reference).

This POR must be someone I trust and how I can call a) if the guy cuts the fool; or b) to ask a few key background questions. Just as my Mama taught me not to talk to strangers, I don’t exchange info with strange men. Yes, that is what a random man at a bar is— strange.

Well damn. You’ll excuse us if after reading through some of those comments, we feel like women would rather be waterboarded and then sodomized with a plunger than have a man approach them. A lot is made of the dichotomy between how more shall we say “hood” types are willing to approach any woman any time. This is usually said with an odd mixture of both disdain and quiet respect. So here’s why I imagine there’s some hesitance on the part of the upper crusty black dude to put himself out here like that too much:

1. It’s a small world If you’re a bouge, and he’s a bouge, guess what. You either know each other or know some of the same people. So unless he’s fairly certain you’re interested, the consequences of a holler gone wrong can be pretty far reaching. One, you’re going to embarass him at the time and place. Two, you’re going to tell your friends, which will embarass him further. And Three, when your cute friend who actually may be interested in him asks about him, you’ll reply with the “girl, please. He tried to holler at me at Kwabuki’s event.” And since y’all have that rule about dating people who’ve tried to holler at your friends, denied. We’re pragmatic people, women.

2. Professional Haters Not a lot of you, but some of you all take an inodinate amount of joy in shutting dudes down who try to talk to you. It’s probably more of a young thing, and to some degree, a lower class thing, but it exists. This is the chick that’s rude to you for no reason when you say hi, or who has a smart ass response to anything you might have to say. Everyone has to get their self-esteem from somewhere, this just ain’t really a productive way to go about it.

3. Fear of bug-a-booness There are a lot of really great girls out there. And a lot of great guys that are interested in them. But every single day, I see someone getting summerjam screened on twitter or FB of Gchat for “calling too much,” “not getting the hint”, or some other similar phrase for “fuck off.” Maybe it’s the fault of social media, but there’s no glory anymore in wooing ,courting, and winning a woman’s love. Only embarassment and scoffing at the attempt to do so.

I mean, I would love to hear a Barack/Michelle story from our generation, but I just don’t see a lot of it. And in this age where so many people think they are their public persona (quietly, no one really cares. You was who you was fore you got here), there’s added disincentive to go out on a limb.

So, on this one, I’m going to encourage the fellas to give a  little more brass tacks. The Michelles might be a little harder to crack than the thirsty chick who you know is going to give you some play, but maybe she’s worth it. A little light stalking never killed anyone. Heavy stalking, a slightly different story, perhaps. Ladies, you have to carry your game however you feel. I can’t make this decision for you. But I will say this, put yourself on too high of a pedestal, and no one’s going to break out the trampoline to make a leap at it. Happy Hunting.

  1. Jubilance says:

    Maybe I’m outside the norm, but I don’t see what these ladies are complaining about. On one hand, they want to meet guys (especially since they know the pool of men they deem eligible is small & shrinking by the minute), but on the other hand they either want to be approached only in certain settings or not at all. Are you kidding me? *sigh* I’m disappointed in the ladies, we’ve got to do better!

    Outside of the strip club (cause c’mon that’s just weird & you can’t tell mom’s you met a dude in the strip club) or the prison visiting room, I dont think there’s a “wrong” place to meet a guy. I’ve dated guys I met in the club/bar/lounge, in the grocery store, the mall, the gas station, even in the waiting area of the airport. You just never know who you’ll meet. When I’m out and about, I’m smiling and getting to know people, not giving men the evil eye & praying they will stay away. What’s the point in that?

    Oh, and the first comment about guys not buying drinks & instead wanting chicks to buy them, I gotta say, but we ladies brought it on ourselves. We all “independent” and whatnot, and now we get to reap the consequences of that. You can’t expect men to take care of you if you not willing to play the role.

  2. Maybe it’s just me.

    Maybe it’s b/c I live in the deep south.

    But I have yet to meet a man who expects me to buy him a drink. I have met one or two who expected me to ask him out or make the bulk of the moves…those kinda guys either nothing happens or they turn into a jumpoff ’cause I figure they’re just not that interested but they are sexy…might as well make use of them.

    Guys approach me…of all classes…I don’t accept any other was…I figure if I a guy wants to be with me or is interested he will make that happen…most men ’round these parts understand that and they make the moves.

    Oh and most of the chicks just sound lame in your post.

    • The Lioness says:

      I’m from the first site. And, yes, honey it’s because you are in the deep south because that’s where I am from and that’s how the men down there do. Most of them still follow the old fashioned/courting method. That shit doesn’t happen up North.

      • For the record the “lame” comment was directed towards those who have a gazillion rules about how, when, where a guy should approach and how they’re “annoyed” when guys try to approach them when they’re out.

        I’ve heard that complaint from many women from up north…around these parts you have to remind men not to “sugar, honey, baby,” you to death

  3. Anon says:

    A smile does wonders on both ends *sigh*

    You’re right – a lot of this is about communication … but a lot of this – on both sides – is about anger… ie anger toward “what you think you deserve.” This isn’t a gender thing (although the majority of examples here are women, I think P.O.S.H.’s post from the other day proved that men have just as many hangups/excuses/etc.).

    Maybe if black (bougie) men and women started putting more positive energy into developing these sorts of relationships, we would see less of these posts popping up. Perhaps all the single men and women out there should try it. Smile, be open to meeting new and interesting people in any environment (yes, quality men and women do occasionally go to lounges and clubs), try being nice and friendly in general, and don’t get caught up in an abstract anger trap. Honestly, you get back exactly what you put out… so if you’re constantly putting out hostile or negative attitude… that’s exactly what you’ll get.

    Oh and again, I can’t emphasize enough – this goes for men and women.

  4. Anna says:

    Gosh, based on your snippets we ladies sure sound mean! Sometimes I just have to look at our shenanigans and shake my head. The older I get, the more I see Darwinism in dating – these women are paving the way to their own extinction. Why would any Black woman place so many limitations on herself, or harbor so much anger towards anyone? If he’s lame, keep moving. Trust, there’s another woman who will not give off these negative vibes, and she’ll be on the arm of the one man we’ve deemed “good enough” to speak to. Then we sit around with our lip poked out, talkin’ bout how all the good ones are taken. Survival of the fittest.

    But you’re right – no matter what the playing field looks like, men need to gather their nuts and talk to women. Nothing make a man sound like Parfait Paul more than the freely admitting a fear of women. *shudders*

  5. Reina says:

    Gotta say I disagree with most of what you copied & pasted. Have yet to encounter a man that wants me to pay for a drink, and though I rarely go to clubs, I have nothing against dating someone I meet there. I mean I’m there! What does that say about me?

  6. The Sphinx says:

    Thanks, B for the shoutout! You’re greeat!
    LoL @ “upper crusty black dude.”
    I will say that I’d like to separate my post from the others’. It seems like the consensus is that they don’t really want guys to bother them while they’re out. And that’s cool. But me and my girls are friendly. A part of having fun is dancing, and sometimes we just don’t want to dance by ourselves. Plus, what girl wouldn’t want a few guys to at least make an attempt to holler at her — especially when she’s cute! lol Point blank, I think girls who say they don’t want a man’s attention are lying to themselves. It’s what we thrive on. The more we get, the more motivated we are to keep whatever it is that’s bringing it to us up.
    So, B, I agree. We need to figure out what it is, this disconnect, between men and women – particularly for me, BLACK men and women, that makes us feel like we aren’t seeking the same things. Stay tuned for PMS’s take on this.

  7. B. Collins says:

    Perhaps this isn’t the point, but Kabuki? Really?

    Ok now my point: Most of those examples sounded ridiculous. The reason those women are single isn’t because men aren’t communicating properly, it’s because they’re rude. I completely agree w/ only accepting the best, but let’s get on the step ladder and grab that old dusty Brittanica out. The one with the ‘H’ on it. Take a look at humility. Yes, you have every right to pick and choose who you think worthy of your attention, conversation, phone number, time, whatever, but guess what-you aren’t Jesus (or Kabuki), so no need for the high and mighty routine. It’s tired and let’s face it, no one likes a party pooper. If you don’t want to be bothered while you’re out, you can do one of two things: 1, be a grown up and say, “Thank you, but I’m not interested. I just came to chill with my girls tonight.” or 2, stay the eff home.

    Now, that doesn’t mean I let the boys off scott free either- if she says, she’s not interested, don’t slit your wrists or continue to push past the point of no return. Just take the L and keep on ticking. Unfortunately, men are the ones who must do the majority of the initial work, sucks, but you’re a dude, don’t you guys get over things relatively easy?

  8. The Sweetest Thing says:

    I agree with Sphinx and B. collins, I know that people (men and women) like to be complemented and made to feel attractive with some positive attention. And people dont have a clue what humility is; everyone is the isht and can walk on water now!
    I personally would like a man to woo me, and put the f’ukn text messages down! Stop trying to build a relationship 100% via text and pick up the phone and take me out sometimes. Maybe I’m just a analog girl in a digital world (cue Badu)?

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