The Communication Chronicles IV: Mixed messages

Posted: August 20, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,
Hanh? Bitch, what?

Hanh? Bitch, what?

So I was gonna write a post on big women but SBM just covered that and frankly, I think it’s a little incendiary for the moment. I’ll get back to it when I can think of a way to discuss it out with pissing off a whole bunch of people. Also, saw the “Run this Town” video. What the fuck was that? I mean I could have directed that. Drunk. Given all the buildup, I thought that shit was gonna be the second coming of “Big Poppa mixed with some “Cherchez La Ghost”, not some Road Warrior/Escape from New York knockoff. Also, Yeezy’s verse on a Jay-Z song was the equivalent of Lebron getting dunked on at his own Summer Camp. But I digress

So I went out to McCormick and Schmick’s today and noticed a prime cut of the meat I call mixed messages. It’s a sour and rancid meat, fatty yet tough, and with no bacon-like deliciousness. I walk in, and three black professional twenty-something girls are at the bar. The first one makes googly eyes at me, and then makes some motion to her friends, because first one, then the other turns around to take a look at me. I’m flattered and all, so I wave to the first one, who I think was a little embarrassed that she’d been so obvious. I take a stroll looking for my friend, who hadn’t arrived yet, and not finding her, headed to the bar. The first girl was on the phone, so I ordered a beer and said hi to the other two. They acted like I was some wild interloper from the jungles of Africa. The one looks at me kinda snidely and then continues her convo with her friend nd the other twists her head around and then ignores me. Both were beneath my minimum standards lookwise, so I wasn’t particularly concerned, but I thought it was a little weird. As I saw my friend walking in the door, I gave it no real thought. Apparently they did, though, as they deaded their whole conversation to check her out and undoubtedly do what Belle talked about in her last blog.

So what was the point of all this? I mean clearly, when I walked in there was interest. Then there was standoffishness. And then as soon as competition came in, there was interest. This is what we call a mixed message. Now, had I been younger or had the girls been prettier, I might have been interested in what the true message was. As neither was the case, I’m not in this particular instance. But I think it’s a small illustration of one of the larger communication issues men and women have.

We say one thing, then we do another. Or we do one thing, then do something completely contradictory. I hear women say this a lot too. A guy acts like a boyfriend, but says he doesn’t want a relationship. He says he’s not still pining over his ex, but she’s all over his call log.

And women, no get out of jail card for you either. You say you don’t like a guy “like that” but you cockblock whenever another woman shows him some attention. You smile and act all coy and demure as he buys you a whole bunch of drinks and then call him a stalker when he follows you around the club.

So what’s the story here? Are we ignorant to the signals we’re giving off here? Or are we genuinely confused? Torn even? Or maybe hedging our bets. Not wanting to lay our cards on the table, do we instead resort to doublespeak and contradiction as a way to shield us from rejection? What’s the deal, folks? Are you a mixed messenger? Or a victim of mixed messagery?

  1. Well I’m still kind of a “babe in the woods” after all of these years, but I’d be inclined to think that this kind of behavior is along the lines of “hedging bets” than anything else. I mean in this day and age most people feel like they have to I guess.

    Through my limited experiences, I’ve learned not to place too much stock in large group interactions and club scenarios as this usually doesn’t give a true representation of what a chick is all about. With her close friends in loose situations (like a low key house party or something similar) is usually when you can really assess what she’s about.

    But then again what do I know….

    Nice entry nonetheless!

  2. The Sweetest Thing says:

    BSR…..*Both were beneath my minimum standards lookwise*…LMAO, please give me a visual as to what these standards are.
    Anywho, I’m feeling you on this post completely. Women give crazy mixed signals. The younger you are (mentally), the more likely you are to do this. In the example you gave at the bar its a competition and insecurity thing. From reading your blog and comments on ABIB, you friend probably is attractive and came in the joint all fly, and then the 3 bar flies felt competition, even if it’s perceived. So now they’re hating, but you didn’t really mention how they showed interest when girlfriend came in. Did they/she get flirty?
    I really don’t think I am a mixed signaler, but I have been victim of the guy who’s feeling you soooo much then just falls of the planet, never to be heard from again! Oh well, next.
    And I’m going to need you to post about what I call a *relationette*, ASAP! That’s what you’re speaking of when the men don’t want to be in a relationship with title, but play the boyfriend role. WTF?
    Good post though

    • “Relationette!” I love it. Definitely expect a post about that as I am the king of relationettes. “Need me to walk your dog, pint your house, and cuddle? Cool. You want a commitment? Naw, mayne I cain’t do it.”

    • I wrote a post called bump a ring try “put a title on it,” a while back.

      Whether BSR writes a post on it or not the answer to “why” is simple: because we (women) let them.

      You want a title and he doesn’t?

      Drop his a** and find a man who will give you what you want.

      Same for marriage.

  3. Me says:

    it’s quite simple. maybe they didn’t like you once they saw you up close. *giggles*

    a total MONET.

    no, but seriously…those girls were lame and immature and probably knew they were beneath your minimum standards, so they tried to flip the script like they weren’t interested.

  4. Devil's Advocate says:

    What exactly was the mixed message? How did the first girl react when you waved to her? I think it may be rude the friends didn’t try to give you the time of day, but they are not the ones that made googly eyes at you.
    The whole deading of the conversation… literally, conversation stopped? Is it a crime to check out who you are meeting? Are we positive they had nothing but negative commentary about your female friend?
    Part of the issue with mixed messages is that we really don’t know what is underneath. I think its easy to misinterpret a look or a tone. And we easily take things for the worst – interpret these mixed messages negatively.

    • She waved back. I think she was little embarrassed actually that I caught them staring. I think you hit on exactly the point:

      “Part of the issue with mixed messages is that we really don’t know what is underneath. I think its easy to misinterpret a look or a tone. And we easily take things for the worst – interpret these mixed messages negatively.”

  5. There’s a Jamaican saying that goes ‘Wanty wanty caan get ey and getty getty nuh waan ey’ which basically means that those who want it can’t get it and those who can don’t. That is portrayed in big ways in relationships where people are always either pining over what they can’t have or ignoring what they can. That said, the mixed signals results from not knowing what you want and trying to play games when really that’s not how a true game ‘player’ deals with things. And that’s just me being honest. I’ve seen blockers block just cos they aren’t getting the same play. Over it. Blah.

    P.S. I heart your blog. It’s refreshing.

  6. Anna says:

    Ok, so you have some of the best pictures on this site. Other than that, I don’t know what it is really – when women get together the level of cattiness is multiplied by the number of “friends” that are in the group. The 2 that didn’t give you the googly-eye clearly outnumbered the one who did. It happens with young/immature folks all the time, I’ve seen it and been a part of it too many times to count when I was younger. At this age, I’m not willing to let my girlfriends embarass me out of talking to someone I think is cute – and they wouldn’t dare do it. We’re too old for that sh*t.

  7. Daydreamer says:

    I concur with @ME… maybe you are just a Monet??? I kid. I kid.

    But seriously, a guy I know said this is the main reason he stopped trying to holler at women- esp in NY. They’d give him the open door signal and when he approached they gave mad shade……Hey, I say check over your shoulder. Maybe that ‘googly eye’ was a lazy eye and she was actually checking for bro’ man behind you. You did say these ladies were subpar….

    On a serious note, I have no idea why some women do this. My friend’s and I are always very clear if we happen to catch eyes with a man. And even more so if I’m NOT interested. I smirk and turn away. If you proceed to approach, well then, that’s on you.

    Sorry B, I’m not help today. 🙂 But you can watch the Run This Town video (again) on The Cloud. (Thanks Chuck)

    • hmm. I might have to write A blog about dudes waving the white flag. I mean, to me it wasn’t a huge deal, but then I have thick skin and a large, rotund ego made out of Kevlar and the shit they make black boxes out of, so a couple bad experiences wouldn’t swear me off approaching women. I mean a tiger isn’t gonna catch every gazelle, but if he wants to eat, he’s gonna keep hunting. But I wonder how many dudes actually do just get fed up and throw in the towel or go towards “other” women who don’t tend to be as disrespectful.

  8. BlkBond says:

    Those broads were confused. You caught them off guard eye-balling you, so that neutralized their opportunity to play ‘tough sell’; then, when your friend arrived, it was obvious they were side dishes instead of an entree. I wonder who is teaching these women social skills?


  9. Daydreamer says:

    No comment to your ego tomfoolery.

    But as far as that other nonsense..We are not (all) disrespectful. We’re just ( hoodrat hurt your feelings and don’t care) blunt at times….Soooo “Other” women eh?! You would. You and Becky. LOL!

    I mean it’s pretty easy to me, if you get a clear signal go for it. If she shuts you down she wasn’t really checking for YOU or you didn’t offer to buy her a drink at the bar like she expected- duh. Those “other” women are the ones that reel you in and end up on ‘Snapped’ when they get sick of you…Have that for breakfast and eat it. 😀

    • mmmh. I didn’t say all disrespectful .But it’s a chore sometimes dealing with black women (As I’m sure it is sometimes dealing with black dudes. And I imagine white people and asians too. Atthe end of the day, when I’m at a bar, I just want to have a pleasant time, and that’s about it. And if my interaction with someone isn’t pleasant, I don’t get how either they or I have a better time because of that.

  10. Stank-0 says:

    I just have a question, the M & S on K? Or the one near Gallery Place? I don’t catch the vibe of simplemindedness on K that I feel at Gallery Place.

    Chicks wanna gas face, whatever. This is DC son, plenty more out there. 1.

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