I got saved from a life of jump-offhood!
So, if you’ve been checking up on things on the innanets, you’re aware that the homey Jozen C started a veritable shitstorm over on the boards of Essence Magazine with his article, “The Truth About Jump Offs.” Apparently, this is a topic that gets the blood boiling, particularly amongst the female gender. a sampling of comments:
Then Dehaven introduced me to the game
Spanish Jose introduced me to 'caine; I'm a hustler now
My gear is in, and I'm in the in-crowd
And all the wavy light-skinned girls is lovin me now
Now Suitable For Work. Y'all happy?
So I admit, I just posted the picture up there because I kinda like it. But think about it. If Amber Rose looked like this, would anyone be talking about her?
I was having an interesting convo with the homey on twitter the other day about relationship issues, and it somehow veered into the fact that her brother has a history of dealing with lighter-skinned women, such that it might be regarded by an outsider as a preference. I called it colorist.
@elb3 a demonstrated preference for ltsknd women makes one effectively colorist. dont hav 2 go around punching dark skinned wmn to be that
I was rebutted
RT @elb3: @FarajiFTW lol…not sure if he suffers from colorism as much as he still exoticizes color
Which to me, sounds like colorism. I figured everyone else would fall on my side of the argument, but apparently not.
RT @NikiD14: @FarajiFTW I have a preference for black men. Does that make me a racist?
Well, no, but I think color and race are two entirely different issues. The way, I see it, race often has a significant cultural, historical, and social construct which to some degree makes it understandable for people to want to mate up within their own if they choose. If a Jewish person wants to date only other Jews, people don’t really get offended. There’s a cultural and religious similarity two Jewish people will likely have that they might not find outside of that community. Similarly, as black people, we may have similar experiences, upbringings, cultural values, etc, that are shared that may justify a preference for dating within the race. And I don’t begrudge whites, Latinos, Asians, Eskimos, etc the same preference.
racism & colorism r 2 entirely different -isms RT @NikiD14: @FarajiFTW I have a preference for black men. Does that make me a racist?
@FarajiFTW I’m aware that they are different. The truth is you have to know the reason behind the preference to answer that question.
Color, however, has very little determinant power on anything besides one’s physical appearance. Further, I don’t begrudge people being attracted to what they’re attracted to. I have my preferences physically, certainly, and many of them are non-negotiable. But shade isn’t one of them. And I can’t really help but consider the historical implications of selecting or excluding by color when I consider the topic. But there might be some good reasons, I guess.
I got DM’d the question: “what if your family is light skinned?” That’s not a bad question, I guess. I mean, if you grew up with people that look a certain way, you’ll naturally gravitate towards people that look similar right?
Not necessarily. I can’t tell you how many Asian people I know that don’t date other Asian people, often on the justification that dating another Asian “feels like dating my cousin.” Which I’ve discovered is just an excuse not to have to explain why you’re not attracted to Asian people.
I remember when I was in college, this dude I know who’s the shade of black that makes you think he was raised by a lump of coal and a cup of coffee in a tar pit remarked to me that “all light skinned bitches look good.” To me, the rational converse to that statement would then be that “all dark-skinned women, not so much.”
But if we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to, then isn’t his preference perfectly OK. I mean, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? And if he thinks light skinned women are more beautiful, well, what can you really say? (I’m playing devil’s advocate here)
And it’s not like he’s on an island by himself. Look at the black woman who are considered desirable by BLACK society:
Halle Berry: Mixed
Beyonce: Light skinned, long hair
Kim K: She ain't got a drop of slave in her!
So if our media sources are telling us that light skinned women > dark skinned women, Kanye is off talking about how he likes Mutts, and Lamar Odom is off marrying man-looking Khole Kardashian, can you really hold it against someone because he’s fallen in line with what appears to be the prevailing attitude? What say you, world?
If I was a white guy, I'd so go interracial with J. White
You don’t have to listen to these people to know they’re worthless – all you have to do is look at them.
bigguysteve replied to comment from Lewy
Lewy,
You cannot tell anything about a person from his skin color, despite what your mother may have told you.
before we all castrate these fellas, remember the initial outcry against the Duke Lacrosse team…best to hear the full story first.
ak replied to comment from commisioner gordon
What part of that story wasn’t full enough for you?
commisioner gordon replied to comment from ak
you’d think in the 21st century lynch mobs would cease to exist. quite unfortunate so many people are easily swayed by sensationalism and emotions rather than hard evidence.
bigguysteve replied to comment from ak
“best to hear the full story first”
“What part of that story wasn’t full enough for you?”
The part where it didn’t happen
theevilone replied to comment from commisioner gordon
We’re not talking about a stripper with a tenuous grasp on reality. I doubt an 18 year old invited 5 guys over to a dorm bathroom and brought her own rope.
law101 replied to comment from commisioner gordon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006_Duke_University_lacrosse_case
im telling you guys, it happens.
i know plenty of 18 yr olds who have the motto “the more, the merrier.”
diablofreak replied to comment from commisioner gordon
nice!
no remorse in their eyes, none at all.
all Rapists all look like that. and, that sicko kidnapper of that 11 year old girl, too.
though one does look like the hispanic Jon Cryer.
They should be punished to the fullest extent and pay for the rest of their lives for what they did!
They should be made an example of so that no one else can get any ideas and think that they can get away with something like this!!!
To all people who think they can get away with doing something like this, think again…
You will lose everything and the law will punish you for the rest of your life.
Second of all, be warned : racist comment ahead “anyone notice that all these men are black?” coincidence? I think not!
It is just a fact: Different hormonal levels in certain populations and different sick mentalities about sex in the black culture: disrespectful, treated like an animal act with no love or compassion, knocking up woman left and right and letting the government pay for it..
Black people out there, YOU NEED TO BE THE EXAMPLE FOR CHANGE IN THIS COUNTRY!!!
No one will accept this “race card” anymore
You will be held accountable for your actions and
you must change this horrible sex culture
Show respect to one another, first and foremost!!!
When you knock someone up you must stay with the mother and provide for your child and not run off like a sick crazed lunatic!!
This rape, I believe is a direct extension of the sick black sex culture that exists today
This has GOT TO CHANGE guys..
people have been saying this about you guys for YEARS and you know its true
SO OWN UP TO IT and your people will be all the better for it
and society wont suffer anymore from this “jungle-lie sex ” behavior
Cant digest the words Ive used , TOUGH!
The truth is hard to handle!!!
Snoopy replied to comment from listenup
I notice some racial overtones in your comment. How can that be? LMAO
GOP replied to comment from Snoopy
“Brothers need to pull their pants up.” OBAMA
EG174 replied to comment from listenup
Nice try jackhole but none of these men are black. I know 3 of them. I went to highschool with them. They are ALL hispanics.
beeswax
09/16/2009 12:07 PM
How does anyone question why racism exists, when crimes like this happen almost everyday ?
Mr. Reality
09/16/2009 12:04 PM
Somehow, someway a white man MUST get blamed for this. It is not enough to give these animals free education. It is not enough to feed them, clothe them and to pay for their bills. It is not enough that while they have children and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. The white man pays for every offspring that they make. The white man caused them to destroy their neighborhoods, make them inhabitable and causes all the crime. When will it finally be enough????? Wake up America.
Copper
nosofte
09/15/2009 9:55 AM
I know that this is going to sound racist, but judging by the last names…….mmmmmm…..I don’t think it was consensual………guilty!
Hope all this was worth it, miss. I’m sure you’re real proud of yourself right now.
You must choose, Neo. Ecstasy or Special K
So I wrote a tweet the other day about choice being the ultimate luxury. And I think it’s true. I would trade the freedom to take a nice afternoon nap for a lot. Granted, I may not choose to take the nap since there are other things that are pressing sometimes, but just to have the option is awesome. I got a response back that I thought was really interesting. It said, “except when you have too many choices.”
Now, me personally, I don’t believe there’s a such thing. When I’m in the mood for some mental masturbation and get to the Porsche website and build my perfect GT3, I have many choices. I could pick Arena Red. Or Basalt Black Metallic. How about Paint to Sample, a $5,500 option? What color should I have the wheels painted? Do I want the Carbon Fiber package or the Alcantara/Leather option? Hmm. The $550 suede sun visors perhaps. See, I like choices. Choices are good. I’ll go with Carerra White, black wheels, Sport Seats and Ceramic Brakes, thanks. I know what I want. I look at the options, click the boxes that matter to me, and am flexible on those things that aren’t that important. Something to this effect (the fuck did I start with a base price of $112K and end up at $143,000? Damn suede ball-ticklers):
Come to Butthead.
But this choice thing isn’t for everyone. To some people, there exists a world where there are too many choices. Too many options, too many unknowns. Too many opportunities to feel like you made the wrong choice. Probably why Henry Ford was so successful at selling Model T’s. “You can have any color you want. As long as it’s black.”
And to some degree, the same can be said of dating. The truth of the matter is, we may have too many choices. What’s that, you say? You just finished the 119th consecutive Essence article about the lack of marriagable black men, and then had that view confirmed by MSNBC and The Root? Pish-tosh. While I agree with my friend F-Peezy that there is certainly an imbalance in the playing field, I think it’s also a truth that any woman can find at least one man if she so chooses. Not saying it’s easy, just that it can be done.
But I can see why it’s harder to pick when there are so many freaking options. And the stakes are so high, especially as you get older. You want to pick the right person to spend what little free time you have with.
Now your Grandpappy and Nana, your ideals of black love, see they didn’t have the same options and diversions that you have. They got to date whoever lived in their little town at the time, was of age, and wasn’t of another race. That kinda narrowed the field down pretty well. But now, you can date anybody. You can date white, black, latino, asian, an Eskimo if you can find one. And you can date anywhere. Thanks to the magic of the internet, I can date a girl I lost touch with from college in New York who just friended me on Facebook. Or the cute friend of a friend in Atlanta who thinks my twitter feed is funny. Or some random woman who just likes this blog and lives in Boston but travels a lot and finds her way down here every couple of weeks. The options are limited only by our collective ability to finance a long distance relationship and our interest in doing so.
We also have what we may think are BETTER options. Again, thanks to the glory of the internet, we’re all superstars now. Not content with who you’re dealing with now? Well, shucks, that Facebook friend of yours seems like he’s doing pretty well, what with all those pics of him in Paris and the Bahamas. And he likes kids, judging from the fact that he says he’s a mentor. He’s probably better than that boring schlep of a dude you’re dating now, right?
Fellas, your team letting you down? They can be replaced in the span of a week with newer, younger, women! Race, class, religion? Fuhgettaboutit! The lines have ceased to exist. You can have anyone, as long as they want you. And they’re easier to find now than they’ve ever been.They may be nicer than your current chick? Give head better? Got a great chick with a subpar rack? Her big titty doppelganger is out there somewhere!
So how does one settle down without feeling like they’re “settling?” Because the reality is, no matter how awesome your person is, isn’t there a better one out there? And at what point do you say, “You know what, what I have is good enough.?” Or at what point do you say, “This isn’t making me happy, I should go out and find someone new?” And how much of that choice is dependent on the depth of the options you have? The reality of the situation is that for upwardly mobile black men and good looking black women without stank attitudes, that options list is long and deep.
I wish I could f*** every girl in the world. Oh, wait, Why can't
So how does one choose to be in a relationship with someone, taking all of these options off the table, knowing there’s so much out there? When things get rough, how do you put in the hard work necessary to keep what you have going versus just picking up another one? Maybe too much choice is a bad thing if used improperly.
Why settle for white, I'm green. Pick me!
So in the spirit of making Mondays more pleasant (Or Tuesdays in this case, what with the holiday and all) we take a break from the usual negativity and “what we don’t like about (insert behavior here) to focus on the fun stuff. Today’s topic. Things that you do that make us feel good.
1. Smile
I'm smiling because I'm happy. And I have a contact high.
Yeah, I dare you to give that look to Chris Brown.
This has been discussed ad nauseum on every dating board or blog since the interweb was invented, but it’s true. Which one of the two women above would you prefer to be around? I even made them roughly the same color so y’all light skinned aficionados wouldn’t have an excuse. People like it when you smile at them. You ever smiled at a baby? They smile back and everyone feels all good. When you meet someone for a business negotiation, and shake their hand, you know what people do? They smile. Even if they’re about to rip your company into shreds, sell off the pieces and enslave you. But we’re a mean-mugging people. The world is cold and we don’t want to be bothered, so we mean mug. Or we want to act like we’re too cool for school so we stand there with that nonchalant, slightly distant look of disinterest which says, “I’d rather be playing polo with the President of Uruguay as I usually do on Tuesdays but unfortunately, he was knifed to death in a coup, so I have to sit around at this boring happy hour with you assholes. Drat.” At the end of the day, it really just makes other people feel good. And more importantly, it makes them feel good about YOU. So you’re the real winner here.
2. Are engaged We know there are better looking, more important people at the party. We get that. Shawn Merriman’s over in a VIP booth and you’re the type of chick that kinda digs getting choked out by people with league contracts. Still, we find it nice when you acknowledge us and show an interest. We know, you’re deathly afraid we might misinterpret this general niceness of yours with you being interested in us, but it’s OK. We won’t wilt up and die if you’re just being nice. Same goes for when we’re talking to one of your friends we both know. It’s OK for you to participate in the conversation since you’re standing right there and can clearly hear every word.
I mean, I'd have sex for wings. Just saying...
3. Bring us food. It’s not about the money. But really, bringing us some grub when we’re working on something or after a long day, or even just because you cooked and had some leftovers is a really pleasant thing to do, and it makes us want to do stuff for you. It’s one of those really high ROI kinda things. like you spend $12 at the carry-out and we might buy you a car. It’s awesome like that.
"Work that....quads, girl. Come..."
4. Get in shape It really is a great thing to see someone get in better shape. Like it’s not just that we’re more attracted to you because you lost a couple pounds, but almost uniformly, women that pick up some exercise and tone up feel better about themselves and seem happier. It might just be the endorphin rush from all of that kickboxing, but women tend to be very self-conscious and when they look good, they feel good.
“In my experience, poor body image is the number one cause of bad sex for women,” says Dr. Hutcherson, who recently appeared on The Rachael Ray Show. “If you don’t feel good about yourself, what happens is your brain kind of leaves your body and you become a spectator. And you say ‘Oh don’t touch, don’t look at this, don’t look at that,’ and before you know it the sex is over.” In a 2009 Glamour survey, 16,000 women were asked about body image, and a full 45 percent reported feeling very or moderately unhappy with their figures. And 71 percent said that they believe they are too fat. In addition, 70 percent of men surveyed said that a woman’s body anxieties have affected their relationship. This is bad news, because according to research published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, being preoccupied with your appearance can be a sign that your sex life is inhibited by your body image. If you secretly harbor the belief that others are turned off by your size, than your body image might be keeping you from sexual fulfillment.
No Bueno.
5. Show us something new. We like to feel like our woman is special. Part of any relationship is the give and take of sharing. And it’s pretty awesome when you can introduce us to something. Have a hobby? Maybe we’d like to go bowhunting too. Know a good restaurant? We’d like to try a new kind of food as well. Know who got that Billy Mays for the low-low? Well, that may be taking it a little far, but I always think it’s cool when a woman can introduce me to something that’s in her life. even if it isn’t necessarily something that we can share together as an activity, just knowing the unique quirks and things that make her tick brings us closer.
Taste it, savor it, vanilla ice cream, she said, ooh, my favorite
6. Swallow. Or at least catch it and spit. Real talk, we’re too old for all that amateur night shit. I know, you pow wow with your little girlfriends and they all say they don’t. Or that they’re waiting til they get married to do that. They’re lying. Because at the end of the day,getting chose to be someone’s mate is like getting chose to be on a football team. You gotta leave it all on the field if you want to make the cut. Imagine if you were about to get yours during some oral and I stopped and said “finish it off yourself.” Yeah, that’s how wack that is. But a girl that goes for it with the gusto, and wants every drop, that’s a hard thing to give up. We might even be able to overlook having to dogsit or watch one of those insufferable chick flicks you like for that.
Feel free to add your own
As many of you probably already know, a young lady named Jasmine Lynn was killed a couple days ago on Clark Atlanta’s campus. She was a Spelman Sophomore, all of 19 years old. Her twitter page is still up. There’s a picture of her doing what 19 year olds do, posing in front of a Ferrari at a gas station. She looks happy, a little awkward like people in those years do. But she looks like what she was: A young lady going to college, trying to make it in life.
And now, that life is over. I expressed my frustration with this kind of thing on Twitter yesterday. I attributed this kind of random and reckless violence to the underclass. Of course, my page blew up immediately with people arguing that I was being insulting and disrespectful. The DM’s however, were much more of a mixed bag. The fact is, as black people who are not generally likely to shoot someone, we have truly mixed feelings about how to deal with these issues when they come up, which they inevitably do.
Deborah Ann Brown was gunned down about 9:30 p.m. in the 2900 block of 14th Street NW, not far from the Dunkin’ Donuts where she worked.
The shooting happened just after the annual Columbia Heights Day wrapped up. According to sources, a group of males was sitting on the steps in front of the Greater Washington Urban League when a suspect on a bike rolled up and opened fire on the group, just as Brown was walking past.
Last year, I worked for the summer as a Program Manager for DC’s Green Summer program, a pilot cross-functional program between the District Department of the Environment and the Summer Youth Employment Program. I managed 12 team leaders and maybe a hundred odd kids. They were good kids. A little rowdy, some misguided, but for the most part, like everyone else, they just wanted to live. We used to go out in to sites in the community to do cleanups or work, and invariably, if we were going to certain neighborhoods, some of the kids couldn’t come. It just wasn’t safe for them, because they had some beef or another. It’s hard to fathom living life that way. These were smart kids, with every bit of the potential as anyone else. But because of where they came from or who they knew, they were at legitimate risk of being hurt or killed.
Toward the end of the summer, one of my team leaders, Keith Hines, was shot and killed as he sat on his mother’s porch. Keith was a good guy. He’d had some issues before and done some time, but he was enrolled at UDC, he was working, and he was doing what people do: just trying to live. I doubt they’ve found the shooter.
A few months ago, there was a bit of a hubbub because a Morehouse Student who shot another Morehouse student three times was graduating from the college. Not kicked out, not in jail, just graduating and moving on with life. The shooting victim, not so much.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I rail against the underclass.
When I say underclass, I’m not talking about the working class. I’m not talking about people, who because they’re not doctors or lawyers, or weren’t invited to Jack and Jill should be shunned and derided. I’l tell you where I come from. My grandfather on my dad’s side: Bus Driver. My grandmother on my mom’s side: a Domestic. I have 40-odd first cousins, and I’m the only male to go to college. So trust me, I don’t have a problem with the working class. Pretty much my entire family is working class. They work with their hands, or they’re int he service or they work in the penitentiary system. But they work. And they raise their kids. And they progress.
What I’m talking about is a mentality that has been sold to us, and we’ve bought hook, line, and sinker, that we as black people, and especially black men, should be a certain way. And that way is violent, ignorant, and uncouth. I don’t know Joshua Brandon, but from the narrative that came from a couple sources, he drank the kool-aid. Despite the fact that he lived in a 400k townome and drove a Hummer, he at his core wanted to be a member of the underclass. He wanted the cool points and swagger of having a gun and taking no shit from anyone. And because I assume his folks had some clout, he was able to get away with shooting a classmate without so much as a ripple in his life.
Just like, in all reality, the guy who killed Keith, and the guy who killed Jasmine and the guy who killed Deborah Brown will. No one’s gonna testify. No one seent shit. No one’s willing to step up and say “no mas.” Because the underclass doesn’t snitch.
What BET and New Jack City and Menace II Society and everything else in the world have shown us is that it’s awesome to be a gangster. It’s accepted, respectable, and much preferable to being a “bitch nigga.” Regardless of the fact that shooting randomly while running away is bitch nigga shit. Or rolling up on a bike and opening fire is bitch nigga shit. Walking up someone’s porch while he’s unarmed and shooting him in the face is some bitch nigga shit too. Hopping out of a Hummer and pulling out your gun on someone unarmed, bitch nigga shit too. But in the narrative of the underclass, these are all acceptable and respected actions.
And that’s why I can’t accept the underclass mentality as something to be respected or pitied, or not be derided. I can’t get into the whole excuses thing. “Oh, they had it hard” or “You don’t know what was going on in their life.” I used to live in africa, people. You think you’ve seen hard here? Get the fuck outta here. I’ve seen hard. And no, not everyone over there is holding hands and singing kumbuyah. There are some terrible things that goes on in any impoverished condition, anywhere.
But here in America, it’s trickling up. People are CHOOSING to be this, not forced into it by circumstances beyond their control. And we HAVE to stop accepting it. We have to stop letting kids in PG county underperform the entire state of Maryland because even though their folks have money, they want to be” hard.” Cats at Morehouse having guns. Plies pretending he’s a goon even though he went to Miami University in Ohio. We have to stop accepting that those little ignorant children who hang out in Chinatown will steal the Jordans off some kid and push old ladies down in the street. Because if we don’t get it under control, there will be more Jasmine’s.
I don’t live in the neighborhood that most of these people live in. I don’t want to. One of my mom’s clients was killed not long ago at Sursum Corda. If you’re not familiar with Sursum Corda, it’s basically a death trap. It’s the Carter personified. It will be torn down. It will be gentrified. And the people that live there, the crime, and the poverty, and the dysfunction will be pushed out somewhere it can be ignored.
But that’s the thing, you’re not changing the dynamic, you’re just moving it away from where you are. And a lot of black people who are the working class or the lower middle class don’t have the option to just gentrify out the underclass that lives around and among them. They can’t cancel out that risk that their kid is going to get killed by a stray bullet or seduced into being the shooter. They’re stuck with it. And as long as those values persevere, that it’s OK to shoot people, that it’s not OK to demand legal justice for shooting someone, we’re fucked. So you may disagree with me about my nomenclature, or saying I’m being elitist. That’s fine. But I absolutely, thoroughly, and completely reject the underclass values that made Jasmine Lynn’s death possible. If you’re one of those people that are apologizing for or making excuses for that behavior, I reject you too.
Do I have a solution? On a macro scale, no. There are things each of us can do individually; volunteer, mentor a child, etc., but at the end of the day, until the mentality gets right, nothing changes. The mentality has to be killed. Not the Jasmine Lynns.
The F*** did that happen?
So I’ve noticed some interesting stuff in our social groups from time to time. One of the major threads of conversation of course whenever males or females get together is “settling.” Or “equally yoked.” Or one of those other phrases designed to dictate that you are such a wonderful and unique flower that only the best of the best will do for you. This is not an attitude reserved for one gender, of course. For every man looking for a corporate attorney with the body of Esther Baxter, there’s a woman who will only settle for a jet-setting Formula 1 driver who’s also amazingly sexually faithful and likes to help around the house.
I can also perform open-heart surgery with a ball-point pen
It’s my theory, that in every person’s life, they get (or should get) the opportunity to date someone who is just completely out of thei league. Whether it be timing, pity, blatant misrepresentation, or any of a million different kinds of fukery, lightning can strike, and you can end up like or friend Turtle (shown above) with someone who is, simply put, out of your league.
But what constitutes your league anyway? My friend Bari loves to use the phrase “staying in one’s lane.” But how do you determine where you fit? Granted, if you’re reading this, you’re probably old enough to have a general sense of where you personally fit in by your dating history. If you’re between 27-34 (my assumed demographic, although who knows), and you have yet to even fuck so much as one of them myspace girls with the slutty picture portfolios, it’s safe to assume that Jessica White=out of your league. Ladies, if the best place a man has ever taken you in your life is Applebee’s, then well…maybe, CEO is shooting a little high. Generally, people date the same person over and over in slightly different form. And while dating is often considered extremely inefficient, it is actually pretty ruthlessly efficient when it comes to picking your dating “class.”
But what happens when you get someone out of your league. Someone better looking, smarter, more professionally accomplished, whatever than anyone else you’ve ever dated? Feels great, right? To good to be true even, You’ve made the big time! And then what happens when it ends? Worse yet, when it ends, and you’re thrown back into your previous class? I was thinking about this because I heard someone talk about the Tiny and Toya show (I’m personally boycotting BET along with Glenn Beck, so I don’t watch it) and I remember them saying that Toya was always frustrated because she kept comparing the men she dated to Lil wayne, and they couldn’t match up in her mind. I guess she talked to a psychologist or something, and they basically told her that it wasn’t the person that was falling short, it was that very few people could match the power and lifestyle she enjoyed as his wife/gf, baby momma, whatever she was. So now she’s finding it impossible to find a relationship because she’s setting the bar at a level that she only was able to reach once. And I think this was because they went to high school together or something. It wasn’t open-market auction-style competition, she had a head start. And so while he’s moved on to the Lauren Londons (upgrade) and Niveas (perhaps more of a lateral move), she’s basically had to take a pay cut. And you know what they say: Downgrading a lifestyle is one of the hardest psychological things to do. It works the same way in dating. How frustrating must it be to not be ble to find someone that was as good (subjectively speaing, obviously) as someone in your past?
I remember a couple years ago, I was in a conversation with a bunch of my friends and one, who’s rather homely, was explaining all the expectations she had of men, which were much higher than her better looking friends. I was confused. Until I realized what had happened. She had dated a couple of guys I knew that were in fact out of her league. One I think she caught in an emotionally fragile part of his life, and the other was bored and horny, and she did have a great ass. He had no intentions of ever seeing her outside of the bedroom. But the fact that she was able to snag two dudes from his particular spectrum of the desirability scale I think gave her the idea that she was in fact playing at that level. She was really pissed during this conversation about what she felt were dudes who were below her trying to holler, and she was equally pissed about the behavior of the guys she was interested in who paid her no mind.
And I don’t think her story is rare. I know many a Type A, successful dude who, besotted with drink or bad judgment, has screwed someone he would never be seen out in public with. And it gives them false hope. I know many the attractive, upwardly mobile woman, who for sheer lack of anything better to do or a free meal, has spent some time with a complete chump. The problem is the expectations this behavior raises among the minor-leaguers. They become embittered and frustrated that they can’t recreate the experience with someone similarly desirable. And having test-driven the Rolls, it’s kinda hard to go back to used Pathfinder territory.
So folks, if you do get the opportunity to get up there in front of the fans and the cameras flashing, enjoy it. Savor the moment. Play your best, because, who knows. This could be your Kurt Warner. Plucked from some no-name Arena League team in Iowa, bagging groceries on the side to the Super Bowl.
I got ya, bitch! You got my seed!
Kinda like this guy above. I mean who the fuck was he dating before the most beautiful woman in the world? The second most beautiful woman in the world? Doubt it. Or this could just be your one moment of glory. Who knows. But after it’s done, don’t be bitter and angry. Don’t try to hold the future up to some standard of the past. Live a new future. Enjoy new challenges. Even if they’re not as shiny and fancy as the old one may have been. And now, for no reason, more Esther Baxter:
Any good stories out there about dating up? Or dating down? Are you one of those people constantly caught comparing your potential dating pool to the one that got away? Speak on it.
Posted by: a.b | 09/22/2009 at 02:57 PM
Posted by: Mocha Brown | 09/22/2009 at 02:50 PM
Posted by: danny | 09/21/2009 at 10:30 AM
Posted by: Reecie | 09/21/2009 at 11:57 AM
Well damn. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I always though Jump-offhood was a nice, convenient way for two consenting adults to get their rocks off without all the pressures and responsibilities of being in a relationship.
NOTE: I use jump-off and FWB interchangeably for the purposes of this conversation. I recognize that the term jump-off has a slightly negative connotation but I’m choosing to ignore the nomenclature and focus on the actual situation.
And this nice young man writes a how-to article and now he’s in hiding, fearing for his life with the Hofstra rape girl and John Edwards. Kidding, kidding, I’m not that naive that I don’t think I understand where some of this vitriol is come from. But I think it does shine a light into some of the messiness that has accompanied the women’s lib and feminism movement. Lost? Follow me for a second.
Part of the feminism movement as I see it was based on the premise that anything a man can do, a woman can do. Whether it’s the boardroom or the bedroom, we are supposed to be equals. So women have the right, ability, and power to do what men do. I think if there’s been a failure in the movement, it’s been a failure to lift things considered feminine up to the same level of respect as things considered masculine. Instead, feminism tried to get many women to adopt masculine behaviors and habits as the bellweather of equality. So instead of honoring being a stay at home mom, feminists decided this was low-value labor to be outsourced to au pairs. Instead of honoring their femininity, many women tried to asexualize themselves to exude masculine power in the workplace. (Hi, Hillary).
This also crossed the line over into dating and sex. The idea that women were too emotional to have uncommitted sex became a pariah idea because it suggested that women were different and therefore, inferior to men. So women adopted the notion that if men could sleep with women and not catch feelings, well, shucks, they could do it too. It’s been a mixed bag.
Love him? I don't even know his name! Nor do I want to!
The good: Women have much more control over their sexuality now. I mean, the reality is, women are sexual creatures. They’re not these demure, virginal animals whose only use for sex is to please their man and procreate. In fact, most women are freaks. And the sexual revolution and women’s lib movement allowed women to explore their sexuality and do all the freaky shit they like without the stigma of shame and judgment of earlier times. This is a good thing.
N*gga gone tell me he'd like me to stay but he has an early meeting! I'm a lady!
The bad: Women aren’t men. For the most part, they’re not wired to deal with sex the way men are. Now, I’ve had a jump off or two in my day that went very well. It was neat and clean emotionally, and filthy and torrid sexually. The best of both worlds. But to some degree, when I look back at all the jump-off type deals, that’s been more the exception than the rule. I have a theory about why men and women are programmed so differently sexually, but women hate it (because it’s true and because they think it lets men off the hook for certain behavior. It’s still true though) so I won’t get into it here. But I think we can accept that some majority, don’t know if it’s 51% or 99% of women look and feel differently at sex than men do.
So back on topic: Why are Vagino-Americans so angry at a man for setting some rules to jump-offhood? I mean, there’s a statistical likelihood that most of these women have been in a jump-off situation at one time or another? Why so serious? My theory is this: They may have ACCEPTED being in a jump-off situation. But they probably didn’t LIKE being a jump-off. And there are probably a ton of reasons why.
1. She doesn’t want the stigma of being a jump-off. Black folks to some degree are still pretty socially conservative. So no matter how freaky a woman is, she probably learned at some point in her life that there are things bad girls do and things good girls do. And having sex with someone who is not your mate is not something good girls do, no matter how many earth shaking orgasms you may get out of the deal. So there’s guilt. Because from the time we’re children, we’re still taught that women’s cookie is supposed to be treasured and only shared with your prince charming. So even if you’re completely good with the idea of having sex without feelings personally, there’s a little midget on your shoulder with a diaper saying you should be ashamed. Or saying that despite the fact that this guy is giving you exactly what you want, he should be giving you something more. Essentially, paying for the p_ssy with some kind of emotional giving. Maybe you’re guilty cause you feel like you’re being easy.
2. She started out cool with it, but her feelings changed. Women, by nature, attach. They become attached to things, people, pets, routines. So while the first few weeks may have been everything they were looking for in terms of hot dirty sex, at some point, they began to look at their fuckbuddy as a whole person, someone whose intellect and interests they’re as intent on exploring as they are the veins on their balls. And most likely, the man didn’t want to change the situation. So they got hurt.
3. She didn’t want to be a jump off in the first place. But that was what buddy was willing to give them and when it came time to fuck or get off the pot, well, they didn’t get off the pot. This might have been because they wanted to screw their way into a relationship or because they wanted to have some part of this person enough that they justified not having the whole part. When trying to screw their way into a relationship didn’t work, again, they got hurt. And while a woman can fool herself into thinking she’s ok with having half of what she wants, at some point, she’ll see buddy actually taking another chick to dinner or see a missed call from a woman on the phone or something else to cruelly remind her that she’s just a dick towel.
You said you liked my poetry!
4. She didn’t KNOW she was a jump off in the first place. Wellllllll, maybe didn’t know is kind of a strong word. Maybe she sorta knew, but there was some ambiguity about the situation, or some signs she chose to ignore. Either way, her intention was to be a girlfriend, not a jizzmop. and now she’s again, hurt. Not just because she feels she was used for sex, but she feels that she was lied to. She also probably feels stupid that she was too naive to read the signs, and blames herself.
So, a point of admission. I did once fall in love with someone who started off as a jump-off. But lest you start to glean hope that this is a possibility for you, ladies, there’s a caveat. which is that I went into it wanting to date her. It just so happened we slept together on the first date. And the second and so on and so on. I wanted to date her but she wanted me to be her jump-off. It was eminently frustrating. And admittedly, it was a little humiliating. Because here’s someone you’re sharing your body with and doing things that can result in children, but the other person doesn’t want to be seen in public with you. Like, am I that embarrassing to be associated with? It was that rat fur cardigan I wore to the fashion show, wasn’t it? I knew it. And then she decides to get in a relationship with someone else. That kind of smarts. I’m still a little bitter about how it all went down.
So I kinda know how it feels. That said it hasn’t stopped me in the past from getting into situations where I knew I had the upper hand because I was less into a particular woman than she was to me. There’ve been a couple that have given me that relationship ultimatum. I’ve declined in all instances. And in most, guess what, we still kept having sex. There was one which was really dumb of m. She wanted us to be exclusive sexually but still date other people. I agreed to this only because she was naked at the time, and I didn’t have the discipline to slow that train down. I didn’t live up to my end of the deal. And I justified it to myself because it was such a stupid concept, and because I felt like she trapped me by springing the parameters at that point. It was manipulative of her, but truth be told, if I were a bigger man, I would have bundled her up in a snuggie and just watched the game with her. She found out, of course, and went ballistic. Because I knew she didn’t just want to be a jump off, but it was all I was realistically going to give her. And so she settled for that.
So here’s my new rules of jump-offhood. Because in between all these sad stories of broken hearts and exploitation, I’ve had some very good, mutually fulfilling jump offs. A couple I’m even mad cool with to this day. Why? Here ya go
1. We both knew what it was. No ambiguity, no mixed messages, we’re here to do it and nothing else. If your feelings change, you tell me, and we stop so you can emotionally simmer down.
2. We’re exes. You can have some great jump-off action with exes because you’re not increasing her body count, you know how to get each other off, and you know how to communicate well enough that if there’s some emotional stff going on, you can talk about it and adjust.Also, as exes, there’s a reason you broke up, so as long as there’s not some secret desire to rekindle, you can take all that relationship crap off the table and concentrate on the pounding.
3. We’re busy. If one or both of us is in med school or working crazy hours, or travel all the time, it makes the situation much more manageable because we become jump-offs by necessity not by choice. You don’t have to wonder why he’s not taking you out to dinner and holding your hand in the park. It’s because he’s knee deep in gunshot wounds at the ER or she’s running the numbers for the 20th time on that acquisition deal with the new discount rate management sent down minutes before the deadline.
With those simple rules in mind, happy humping. It’s getting cold out soon, so jump off safely and responsibly!