The F*** did that happen

The F*** did that happen?

So I’ve noticed some interesting stuff in our social groups from time to time. One of the major threads of conversation of course whenever males or females get together is “settling.” Or “equally yoked.” Or one of those other phrases designed to dictate that you are such a wonderful and unique flower that only the best of the best will do for you. This is not an attitude reserved for one gender, of course. For every man looking for a corporate attorney with the body of Esther Baxter, there’s a woman who will only settle for a jet-setting Formula 1 driver who’s also amazingly sexually faithful and likes to help around the house.

I can also perform open-heart surgery with a ball-point pen

I can also perform open-heart surgery with a ball-point pen

It’s my theory, that in every person’s life, they get (or should get) the opportunity to date someone who is just completely out of thei league. Whether it be timing, pity, blatant misrepresentation, or any of a million different kinds of fukery, lightning can strike, and you can end up like or friend Turtle (shown above) with someone who is, simply put, out of your league.

But what constitutes your league anyway? My friend Bari loves to use the phrase “staying in one’s lane.” But how do you determine where you fit? Granted, if you’re reading this, you’re probably old enough to have a general sense of where you personally fit in by your dating history. If you’re between 27-34 (my assumed demographic, although who knows), and you have yet to even fuck so much as one of them myspace girls with the slutty picture portfolios, it’s safe to assume that Jessica White=out of your league. Ladies, if the best place a man has ever taken you in your life is Applebee’s, then well…maybe, CEO is shooting a little high. Generally, people date the same person over and over in slightly different form. And while dating is often considered extremely inefficient, it is actually pretty ruthlessly efficient when it comes to picking your dating “class.”

But what happens when you get someone out of your league. Someone better looking, smarter, more professionally accomplished, whatever than anyone else you’ve ever dated? Feels great, right? To good to be true even, You’ve made the big time! And then what happens when it ends? Worse yet, when it ends, and you’re thrown back into your previous class? I was thinking about this because I heard someone talk about the Tiny and Toya show (I’m personally boycotting BET along with Glenn Beck, so I don’t watch it) and I remember them saying that Toya was always frustrated because she kept comparing the men she dated to Lil wayne, and they couldn’t match up in her mind. I guess she talked to a psychologist or something, and they basically told her that it wasn’t the person that was falling short, it was that very few people could match the power and lifestyle she enjoyed as his wife/gf, baby momma, whatever she was. So now she’s finding it impossible to find a relationship because she’s setting the bar at a level that she only was able to reach once. And I think this was because they went to high school together or something. It wasn’t open-market auction-style competition, she had a head start.  And so while he’s moved on to the Lauren Londons (upgrade) and Niveas (perhaps more of a lateral move), she’s basically had to take a pay cut. And you know what they say: Downgrading a lifestyle is one of the hardest psychological things to do. It works the same way in dating. How frustrating must it be to not be ble to find someone that was as good (subjectively speaing, obviously) as someone in your past?

I remember a couple years ago, I was in a conversation with a bunch of my friends and one, who’s rather homely, was explaining all the expectations she had of men, which were much higher than her better looking friends. I was confused. Until I realized what had happened. She had dated a couple of guys I knew that were in fact out of her league. One I think she caught in an emotionally fragile part of his life, and the other was bored and horny, and she did have a great ass. He had no intentions of ever seeing her outside of the bedroom. But the fact that she was able to snag two dudes from  his particular spectrum of the  desirability scale I think gave her the idea that she was in fact playing at that level. She was really pissed during this conversation about what she felt were dudes who were below her trying to holler, and she was equally pissed about the behavior of the guys she was interested in who paid her no mind.

And I don’t think her story is rare. I know many a Type A, successful dude who, besotted with drink or bad judgment, has screwed someone he would never be seen out in public with. And it gives them false hope. I know many the attractive, upwardly mobile woman, who for sheer lack of anything better to do or a free meal, has spent some time with a complete chump. The problem is the expectations this behavior raises among the minor-leaguers. They become embittered and frustrated that they can’t recreate the experience with someone similarly desirable. And having test-driven the Rolls, it’s kinda hard to go back to used Pathfinder territory.

So folks, if you do get the opportunity to get up there in front of the fans and the cameras flashing, enjoy it. Savor the moment. Play your best, because, who knows. This could be your Kurt Warner. Plucked from some no-name Arena League team in Iowa, bagging groceries on the side to the Super Bowl.

I got ya, bitch! You got my seed!

I got ya, bitch! You got my seed!

Kinda like this guy above. I mean who the fuck was he dating before the most beautiful woman in the world? The second most beautiful woman in the world? Doubt it. Or this could just be your one moment of glory. Who knows. But after it’s done, don’t be bitter and angry. Don’t try to hold the future up to some standard of the past. Live a new future. Enjoy new challenges. Even if they’re not as shiny and fancy as the old one may have been.  And now, for no reason, more Esther Baxter:

Any good stories out there about dating up? Or dating down? Are you one of those people constantly caught comparing your potential dating pool to the one that got away? Speak on it.

  1. Rochelle says:

    I love this! Somehow this post managed to be the funniest–and also the realest–thing I’ve read in a long time!

  2. Tunde says:

    in undergrad my line brother (before he was my line brother) dated a girl who he had no business dating. she was nowhere near his league. he basically could have had his pick of women on campus but he was completely faithful. she was ghetto, loud, over weight and rude. i couldn’t imagine what they had in common. i think if he would have met her in college he wouldn’t have given her a second look but they dated in high school. i believe in high school he really wasn’t that popular and was the proverbial “ugly duckling” so she was probably one of the few girls in high school that gave him the time of day. once in college he probably felt some type of undying loyalty to her. i’m glad that he eventually saw the light and decided to upgrade.

  3. Anna says:

    Too funny. I’m not really sure where I fall into the spectrum, because I’ve dated some really different folks. At 30 I can say that I’ve dated down, up and sideways, lol. I’ve always looked the same, but things like money, education and achievement have changed. And you always have the element of potential. The guy I dated at 23 made a lot more money than I did, but I was completing my college education. That guy would be a major step down at this point. The current boo is in the military, so I make more (downgrade?)…but he also has a high level clearance, college and expertise in a lucrative field. Upgrades? Maybe, but I feel fortunate to be with him because he’s a genuinely good man. To me, that’s a little harder to come by than a degree around the DC metro area.

    My other thought: What kind of relationships are we talking about? In my experience, what makes a person an “upgrade” for flossing around town is not the same as what makes a person an “upgrade” for marriage. Dating Anna thought that a man who was tall, good looking and had money to burn on dates was a good catch. Marriage minded Anna knows that a man who can spend money wisely and make investments and who exhibits leadership and maturity in his thinking and actions is a good catch.

  4. Daydreamer says:

    Hahahahahaha! You would have posted this while I was on my date last night. #fail. I got accused of being ‘rude’ for peeking at the post. Whatever! LOL. Anyway, there comes a time when we all must, as I like to call it, UPGRADE ourselves with the people we date. eg emotionally, spiritually, academically, etc. And ideally as you move tax brackets so should the income of those you date. (Even better a bracket ahead would be nice. What woman does not want to live a life filled with romance and chivalry?) As you become successful in life why date down? Why date someone who is not as emotionally available as you? Or their spirituality is not compatible with yours? Or the big question, who cannot afford to treat you how you want/ deserve to be treated? If you can afford to take yourself out to said places, why should your dates not be able to? It’s not about being a CEO or top Investment banker-although those incomes help- it’s about knowing how to budget the income you have to support the lifestyle you want to live. I suggest dating the men (women) that are on your level in as many ways possible; whatever that may be. It may not ‘look’ like a couple belongs together but you never know what brought them together. I find dating on your level, not out of your league, makes for more things in common, level of comfort and overall good time. Hell, I had a GREAT time last night! *smile*

  5. Tunde says:

    i forgot to add where i fall into the dating spectrum. i think i’m pretty much high on the totem poll (outside of financially for obvious reasons). i don’t think that i’ve dated down much in my life. i haven’t dated outside my league either (at least i don’t think so). i’ve dated pretty much within my field.

  6. Reina says:

    Wow, sir. You are continually outdoing yourselves on these entries. I need to step up my game.

    Regarding the topic…

    Generally, people date the same person over and over in slightly different form.

    My exes tend to be cut from the same cloth, and that cloth is whom I’m most attracted to. (Yes, I end my sentences with prepositions. So?) I’ve never considered someone beyond my league, but I am definitely guilty of viewing some men beneath my league. That’s my vanity, and I’m okay with that.

  7. The Sweetest Thing says:

    It seems like you’re mainly speaking of looks when you say “Out of your league”. I appreciate an attractive man, but I’m more into the way he treats me or makes me feel. So I have dated what I’d say was out of my league meaning less attractive more so than more attractive. This includes, toads, hobbits, and toothless hoodrats; no one can never say Im not an equal opportunity dater! But what i’ve learned is they are all in various stages of crazy, so going forward, I’m at least going to have something nice to look at while dealing with the bullisht.

  8. Tara says:

    You are hilarious! I agree with Sweetest Thing in that it sounds like you’re focusing on looks when you refer to dating “out of your league”. From that perspective, I can’t really say that I’ve dated someone whom I normally wouldn’t have been attracted to… I would consider myself “dating down” if I was with someone who didn’t match or exceed my academic credentials and made less money than me (sounds shallow but I’m just being honest), however, I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself “dating up” if I was with someone who made significantly more $$$ than me and/or had a Ph.D (I have a masters). And what woman looks at a man and decides that he is too fine to be dating her? LOL!

    And for the record, Gabriel Aubry (Halle Berry’s boo) is DAMN FINE!!! 😀 Aside from his looks, he is QUITE the upgrade from the abusers (David Justice, Wesley Snipes) and hormongers (Eric Benet) she’s used to…hell, they’re on Baby #2! And in terms of $$$, he had (and still has) a nice modeling career prior to hooking up with her (check it out on Wikipedia). I’d be willing to bet that he was pulling chicks just as hot as Halle.

  9. Yeah…Aubrey is definitely NOT dating out of his league.

    He’s a successful model and probably dated model chicks.

    I’ve dated all over the map.


    But yeah…are you solely talking looks here? Or are you talking education/success/class?

    Makes a difference.

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