Manlaw vol III. Handling your jump-offs

Posted: September 22, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,
I got saved from a life of jump-offhood!

I got saved from a life of jump-offhood!

So, if you’ve been checking up on things on the innanets, you’re aware that the homey Jozen C started a veritable shitstorm over on the boards of Essence Magazine with his article, “The Truth About Jump Offs.” Apparently, this is a topic that gets the blood boiling, particularly amongst the female gender. a sampling of comments:

This post is not for any woman who has respect for herself. He’s basically giving advice to men on how to treat a whore. Women if you accept this…what else will you accept? We’ve come a long way…a long way downhill.

Posted by: a.b | 09/22/2009 at 02:57 PM

I guess I don’t know what offends me more, the fact that this guy believes that the reader would dare be so deluded as to believe that he really gives a flying fig about her or the unbelievable admission that he is for all intents and purposes a gigolo or male whore of some kind! I’m mildly offended but not mad. This is one of the primary reasons why I am celibate! Unfortunately, I do agree w/Sixfootdiva some women are upset because they are a booty call or jump-off and were too naive to realize it and that’s who the article is intended for however that young woman should also consider that a man who would dare refer to you as a booty call or jump-off cares nothing for you and no matter what you do, he never will, I don’t care what he says! But if you’re willing to be reduced to a sex object that’s how they will treat you, like an inanimate object who possesses no feelings and no intellect!

Posted by: Mocha Brown | 09/22/2009 at 02:50 PM

WHAT IN BLAZES?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! This guys post is probably the most offensive article I have ever read on the Essence website. First of all, I don’t get the purpose of the article, 2nd it’s blatently offensive. Essence you are on thin ice with me at this point.

Posted by: danny | 09/21/2009 at 10:30 AM

I just threw up in my mouth…what a disgusting article! PIG!

Posted by: Reecie | 09/21/2009 at 11:57 AM

Well damn. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I always though Jump-offhood was a nice, convenient way for two consenting adults to get their rocks off without all the pressures and responsibilities of being in a relationship.

NOTE: I use jump-off and FWB interchangeably for the purposes of this conversation. I recognize that the term jump-off has a slightly negative connotation but I’m choosing to ignore the nomenclature and focus on the actual situation.

And this nice young man writes a how-to article and now he’s in hiding, fearing for his life with the Hofstra rape girl and John Edwards. Kidding, kidding, I’m not that naive that I don’t think I understand where some of this vitriol is come from. But I think it does shine a light into some of the messiness that has accompanied the women’s lib and feminism movement. Lost? Follow me for a second.

Part of the feminism movement as I see it was based on the premise that anything a man can do, a woman can do. Whether it’s the boardroom or the bedroom, we are supposed to be equals. So women have the right, ability, and power to do what men do. I think if there’s been a failure in the movement, it’s been a failure to lift things considered feminine up to the same level of respect as things considered masculine. Instead, feminism tried to get many women to adopt masculine behaviors and habits as the bellweather of equality. So instead of honoring being a stay at home mom, feminists decided this was low-value labor to be outsourced to au pairs. Instead of honoring their femininity, many women tried to asexualize themselves to exude masculine power in the workplace. (Hi, Hillary).

This also crossed the line over into dating and sex. The idea that women were too emotional to have uncommitted sex became a pariah idea because it suggested that women were different and therefore, inferior to men. So women adopted the notion that if men could sleep with women and not catch feelings, well, shucks, they could do it too. It’s been a mixed bag.

Love him? I dont even know his name! Nor do I want to!

Love him? I don't even know his name! Nor do I want to!

The good: Women have much more control over their sexuality now. I mean, the reality is, women are sexual creatures. They’re not these demure, virginal animals whose only use for sex is to please their man and procreate. In fact, most women are freaks. And the sexual revolution and women’s lib movement allowed women to explore their sexuality and do all the freaky shit they like without the stigma of shame and judgment of earlier times. This is a good thing.

N*gga gone tell me hed like me to stay but he has an early meeting! Im a lady!

N*gga gone tell me he'd like me to stay but he has an early meeting! I'm a lady!

The bad: Women aren’t men. For the most part, they’re not wired to deal with sex the way men are. Now, I’ve had a jump off or two in my day that went very well. It was neat and clean emotionally, and filthy and torrid sexually. The best of both worlds. But to some degree, when I look back at all the jump-off type deals, that’s been more the exception than the rule. I have a theory about why men and women are programmed so differently sexually, but women hate it (because it’s true and because they think it lets men off the hook for certain behavior. It’s still true though) so I won’t get into it here. But I think we can accept that some majority, don’t know if it’s 51% or 99% of women look and feel differently at sex than men do.

So back on topic: Why are Vagino-Americans so angry at a man for setting some rules to jump-offhood? I mean, there’s a statistical likelihood that most of these women have been in a jump-off situation at one time or another? Why so serious? My theory is this: They may have ACCEPTED being in a jump-off situation. But they probably didn’t LIKE being a jump-off. And there are probably a ton of reasons why.

1. She doesn’t want the stigma of being a jump-off. Black folks to some degree are still pretty socially conservative. So no matter how freaky a woman is, she probably learned at some point in her life that there are things bad girls do and things good girls do. And having sex with someone who is not your mate is not something good girls do, no matter how many earth shaking orgasms you may get out of the deal. So there’s guilt. Because from the time we’re children, we’re still taught that women’s cookie is supposed to be treasured and only shared with your prince charming. So even if you’re completely good with the idea of having sex without feelings personally, there’s a little midget on your shoulder with a diaper saying you should be ashamed. Or saying that despite the fact that this guy is giving you exactly what you want, he should be giving you something more. Essentially, paying for the p_ssy with some kind of emotional giving. Maybe you’re guilty cause you feel like you’re being easy.

2. She started out cool with it, but her feelings changed. Women, by nature, attach. They become attached to things, people, pets, routines. So while the first few weeks may have been everything they were looking for in terms of hot dirty sex, at some point, they began to look at their fuckbuddy as a whole person, someone whose intellect and interests they’re as intent on exploring as they are the veins on their balls. And most likely, the man didn’t want to change the situation. So they got hurt.

3. She didn’t want to be a jump off in the first place. But that was what buddy was willing to give them and when it came time to fuck or get off the pot, well, they didn’t get off the pot. This might have been because they wanted to screw their way into a relationship or because they wanted to have some part of this person enough that they justified not having the whole part. When trying to screw their way into a relationship didn’t work, again, they got hurt. And while a woman can fool herself into thinking she’s ok with having half of what she wants, at some point, she’ll see buddy actually taking another chick to dinner or see a missed call from a woman on the phone or something else to cruelly remind her that she’s just a dick towel.

You said you liked my poetry!

You said you liked my poetry!

4. She didn’t KNOW she was a jump off in the first place. Wellllllll, maybe didn’t know is kind of a strong word. Maybe she sorta knew, but there was some ambiguity about the situation, or some signs she chose to ignore. Either way, her intention was to be a girlfriend, not a jizzmop. and now she’s again, hurt. Not just because she feels she was used for sex, but she feels that she was lied to. She also probably feels stupid that she was too naive to read the signs, and blames herself.

So, a point of admission. I did once fall in love with someone who started off as a jump-off. But lest you start to glean hope that this is a possibility for you, ladies, there’s a caveat. which is that I went into it wanting to date her. It just so happened we slept together on the first date. And the second and so on and so on. I wanted to date her but she wanted me to be her jump-off. It was eminently frustrating. And admittedly, it was a little humiliating. Because here’s someone you’re sharing your body with and doing things that can result in children, but the other person doesn’t want to be seen in public with you. Like, am I that embarrassing to be associated with? It was that rat fur cardigan I wore to the fashion show, wasn’t it? I knew it. And then she decides to get in a relationship with someone else. That kind of smarts. I’m still a little bitter about how it all went down.

So I kinda know how it feels. That said it hasn’t stopped me in the past from getting into situations where I knew I had the upper hand because I was less into a particular woman than she was to me. There’ve been a couple that have given me that relationship ultimatum. I’ve declined in all instances. And in most, guess what, we still kept having sex. There was one which was really dumb of m. She wanted us to be exclusive sexually but still date other people. I agreed to this only because she was naked at the time, and I didn’t have the discipline to slow that train down. I didn’t live up to my end of the deal.  And I justified it to myself because it was such a stupid concept, and because I felt like she trapped me by springing the parameters at that point. It was manipulative of her, but truth be told, if I were a bigger man, I would have bundled her up in a snuggie and just watched the game with her. She found out, of course, and went ballistic. Because I knew she didn’t just want to be a jump off, but it was all I was realistically going to give her. And so she settled for that.

So here’s my new rules of jump-offhood. Because in between all these sad stories of broken hearts and exploitation, I’ve had some very good, mutually fulfilling jump offs. A couple I’m even mad cool with to this day. Why? Here ya go

1. We both knew what it was. No ambiguity, no mixed messages, we’re here to do it and nothing else. If your feelings change, you tell me, and we stop so you can emotionally simmer down.

2. We’re exes. You can have some great jump-off action with exes because you’re not increasing her body count, you know how to get each other off, and you know how to communicate well enough that if there’s some emotional stff going on, you can talk about it and adjust.Also, as exes, there’s a reason you broke up, so as long as there’s not some secret desire to rekindle, you can take all that relationship crap off the table and concentrate on the pounding.

3. We’re busy. If one or both of us is in med school or working crazy hours, or travel all the time, it makes the situation much more manageable because we become jump-offs by necessity not by choice. You don’t have to wonder why he’s not taking you out to dinner and holding your hand in the park. It’s because he’s knee deep in gunshot wounds at the ER or she’s running the numbers for the 20th time on that acquisition deal with the new discount rate management sent down minutes before the deadline.

With those simple rules in mind, happy humping. It’s getting cold out soon, so jump off safely and responsibly!

  1. trice221 says:

    Okay, when will women stop equating sex to love? When will women stop feeling bad about something that feels good? I think most men would still like to think if a woman gave it to them its cause of something they did intead of a womans natural desire. When women and men let go of both of those ideals, having sex wont b so damn stressful. I been stopped placing my self worth and heart in my vag and sex, its just not logical. Believe or not men have emotions too. Just they’re conditioned themselves to act out their natural desires and told us women folk we aint real women if we do. sex is natural for both sexes. They say women get some hormonal attachment when they have sex, guess what, men get a territorial hormone release, so its not just women getting all emo. Why you think men get so offended if u have sex w someone other than them lol and call u out ur name…my theory anyway.

    I have had sex while in love and platonic sex…physically I enjoyed both. When the platonic sex is over I leave freely. When I get out of a long relationship, the last thing I feel bad about is the awesome sex. lol.

    Only time you should feel bad about being a jumo off is if you allow it to make u feel bad (or in some cases were lied to). Think about it ladies, other than religion (Im not religious), why do u feel bad about having sex w no attachment… I mean really contemplate it?

    No Im not delusional, wanna b a man, lying to myself, faking or none of that. I just started rationalizing.

  2. First off you have a piss poor understanding of feminism.

    Second of all men and women’s reaction to sex has little to do with how we’re wired but everything to do with how we’re socialized. To keep things simple – women are told to keep their legs closed and find Mr. Right. Men are told to sow their wild oats and don’t settle too soon.

    Very different messages.

    Also women are still penalized of being sexual. God forbid a woman is man-like in her sex life. There are still those who tout very publicly that they want a woman with low numbers. Women will still ostracize a woman for being a “ho,” even if her sexual behaviour is no different then her homeboys. A woman can still be considered (or not considered) wife material based on her sex life.

    And finally Jozen Cummings is an ass. His opinion is worthless, but Essence should be shot for giving the jerk a platform to spew his drivel.

  3. And for the record men act a complete ass in jump-off relationships, but in different ways.

    Fools start asking where you going, who you talking too, where you been.

    Start cockblocking.

    Become passive aggressive.

    The list goes on.

    Dudes catch feelings ALL the time…it just isn’t good for Man-Law or their image to admit it.

  4. true2me says:

    *applauds Single Black Woman’s posts*

    Im rebelling against what their ideals are…SCREW EM..

    I just re-read mine..its hard posting from your damn phone

  5. BlkBond says:

    @ SBW: As a woman, if you recognize that how you have been ‘socialized’ in fallible, make the changes necessary to be happy with yourself and decisions you make. Easy.

    Women are penalized for sexuality unfortunately, but as adults (which has more to do with maturity than gender) you should be at a point where what other people say in regard to your behavior should be insignificant.

    So what there are men who want low numbers? If you’ve got numbers like A-Rod, find a man who does not judge you by that. Also, nobody is telling these women to take all that d*ck. Take responsibility for you actions instead. Some men receive the same judgment for their promiscuity; it is not to the extent of women, yet it still exists.

    I agree that dudes do catch feelings, B even admitted when he did. The difference is that they shake it off and move on, rather than dwell on the unfairness of the situation.

    @ true2me: first, I love the name. Second, do rebel. Do as you wish. Consider that there are consequences for EVERY action, not simply those that are socially unacceptable.

    Bond. BlkBond.

    P.S.-B, I will be back in DC in a few more wks, hit me with an email of the ‘spots’.

    • true2me says:

      Thanks about the name @blkbond. I would hope that people would do things within their boundaries and try to always be safe. I wouldn’t condone behavior that would hurt someone or others.

  6. Candy says:

    For the most part I agree with Trice221. I’ve had jump off’s and it wasn’t because I was lying to myself or wanted anything more, it was simply because me and that person saw eye to eye on all the depraved kinky things we wanted to experience in the bedroom…lol
    Sex is pleasurable and a creative expression not something we should feel shame about. I understand why having sex with someone you are emotionally attached to is better, but even jump off’s have some attachment to each other, it’s just a physical attachment. I actually thought my JO was a cool person and I liked him, just not in THAT way.

    On another note:
    I have to disagree with you Mr. St. Randy making an ex a jump off is a HORRIBLE idea.

  7. @BlkBond

    I didn’t say those were my issues.

    Any cursory perusal of my blog A Big Butt and a Smile

    Would show you that.

    I was referring to B’s post and the erroneous assumptions he made.

    • And I was erroneously assumptive where exactly? Most women strongly agree with me about my take on feminism frankly. you’re the outlier here. Are we still on this whole “men and women are exactly the same, we’re just socialized differently” tangent? Do you really think there are no emotional/brainwave differences between men and women? Is socialization really the only reason you’re from Venus, and we’re from Mars?

      • Socialization matters more than you or those who agree with you are willing to admit.

        Recognizing the role of socialization isn’t a tangent…it is a fact. I never said men and women are the same…and neither does feminism.

        I said when it comes to how men and women deal with sex much of it has to do with how we’re socialized…since form birth MOST women are told some variation of “your goodies are precious don’t give them away. Wait for Mr. right” and boys are given some version of “Sow your wild oats and don’t settle down too soon.”

        Obviously I”m keeping it simplistic for the conversation sake, but you get the idea. If you’re always told “your goodies are precious, don’t give them away,” a jump-off situation may not work so well.

        Also studies have shown that it’s not that women can’t have just sex relationships with ease they just do it very DIFFERENTLY than men. Men go for numbers – women go for length of time (think summer fling) usually with someone they know in some way as opposed to a complete stranger you pick up in a bar.

        For the record feminism is about choice – I can choose to be a housewife or i can choose to work. I can choose to be a teacher or i can choose to be a construction worker. I can choose to be a girly girl or i choose to eschew traditional definitions of femininity.

        It’s not about the sameness of men and women – it’s about not being stuck in a one note definition of what being a woman is.

  8. Anna says:

    Personally, I have found that jumpoffs rarely work out well. A good jumpoff experience is something like a solar eclipse: we know that it can happen, but all of the stars and planets must align juuuust so, lol. I don’t think it has as much to do with feminism as it does with good old human emotions. SBW brings up an interesting point about the messages that are out there for “proper” behavior out of women and men. There’s certainly a higher risk of badreputaionitis. But I agree a little more with BlkBond’s view. I’m 30 years old, which means that you shouldn’t expect me to be a virgin or to have never explored my natural feelings as a woman. If you come at me asking about my “magic number” or some other nonsense you would be dismissed. And frankly, the last time I ran into a guy who tried to delve into my sexual history there wasn’t much to tell. Because I was in high school. In other words, I’m too old to have a “bad reputation.”

    I’ve had a (precious) few jumpoffs that were perfect. But usually, it goes something like this:

    – mutual physical attraction, but I’m not in a “relationship” place or he’s not “relationship material” He’s still hot, though.
    – brief period of unbridled passion
    – great sex is addictive and leads to more face time
    – dayum, we’re together a lot
    – someone catches feelings. I have a tendancy to catch them more often but let them go rather easily. I’m allergic to rejection. Men don’t do it as often, but when they do…..color him “pressed as hell”.
    – everything goes to shit

    Also, I don’t think that jump off is an insult unless you’re trying to be something more. Perhaps it’s the title – most folks don’t mind having or being a “fling” but you can’t call them a jumpoff. idk.

  9. true2me says:

    oh..shyt..trice221 and true2me are both my names..sorry for any confusion…lol

  10. this conversation reads like the arguments about homosexuality: is it caused by nature or nurture.
    I feel like there is no generalization that can be made, but rather it should be examined on a case by case basis.

    while i can get all soft and pink as the next chick, i think there are some fundamental (read:chemical/biological) issues that have little to do with our socialization in terms of the way we carry ourselves sexually/socially. by this i mean to say that it is in what our parents give us. both of my parents were/are macks, of sorts, in their day. Dad’s on wife #3, Mom is on husband #2. they both, according to stories I could REALLY do without knowing, have healthy appetites and approaches to sexuality. there was nothing puritan about our upbringing. we had a candy dish of condoms in the front hall of the house. “you’re too young to be having sex, but if you’re going to do it, i’d rather you be safe that sorry.” mom’s EXACT words.

    i’ve been a deliberate coquette before i even knew what it meant to flirt. (the photos of me as a young girl prove it.) there are certain things i did growing up, that no one instructed me to do, nor taught me to do, i just did them. so i was given the unfortunate label of being fast. my younger brothers, on the other hand, were lauded for the exact same behavior that i became a hot topic at social functions for.
    my behavior was ill received by society. i truly believe that my healthy, though as of late deprived appetite, is more about what i was given genetically as opposed to what i was accosted with socially. though i’m not fool enough to ignore how their approaches to their own bodies and feelings about them influenced what they taught me willingly in addition to inadvertently.

  11. Peter says:

    I found your article very useful and interesting. I have bookmarked the site for later usage. Peter

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