Pursuit of Hapiness

Posted: October 8, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

So if you’ve wondered why I haven’t been blogging, it’s for two simple reasons.

1. I’m looking for a job and doing some consulting gigs, so time is kind of at a premium here. I do love chopping it up with y’all, but unfortunately, until them ads for “Meet big-breasted women” and “Don’t pay for Teeth Whitening” show up on my header, you’uns ain’t making me no money

2. I don’t have a lot to complain about. Most good blog posts are interesting because they’re scandalous, controversial, or otherwise engender debate, preferably heated, and if possible, accompanied by juvenile insults. But my dating life has been going pretty swimmingly lately.

Which I figured is pretty boring and I mentioned as much, but one of my friends suggested I write something in regard to what I’m doing right to create this (at least temporarily) harmonious life. So why not. Here are just a couple quick ways I’ve found to keep life copacetic

1. Know thyself. I feel like a lot of people drink their own Kool-Aid as to who they actualy are. Folks self=perpetuate these myths about what their personality type is, how nice they are, how strong they are, what they can and can’t accept. And also where they stand on the dating totem pole. They say it’s really hard to hurt someone’s feelings who’s honest with themselves. Like that whole cliche about “does this dress make me look fat?” If you’re honest with yourself, you know whether that’s just a badly cut dress or if you’ve gained 15 lbs. since you left college. So if your hubby says that yes, the dress does make you look fat, your feelings won’t be hurt if you know the truth, either way. But if you’re predicating your happiness on fooling people (and yourself) into thinking you haven’t ballooned up like a Peanut Butter allergy victim or that you have great fashion sense, then you’re going to be unfortunately disillusioned. I think I do a pretty good job of knowing me. I know where I am in life, which is transitional. I know what I can offer and what I can’t, what I want and what I don’t (although I can be tempted sometimes.) But this takes a lot of the gray area out of my relationships.

2. Stop fucking with the wrong people. I swear to you, if you just start doing better due diligence on folks and putting people in the right place in your life, your happiness meter will go through the roof. New people are like job opportunities in a lot of ways. There are a lot of them out there, but really very few that are a good fit for YOU. But a lot of people end up unhappy in jobs and relationships because they take what’s just there or offered to them or easily attainable. Or they take them for the wrong reason. “I hate sales but I can make a lot of money.” “I don’t want to be a corporate lawyer but I don’t want this expensive degree to go to waste.” Yada ya, yada ya. Same with people. And I find this is an interesting argument with women, because they’re constantly told to adjust their standards to what’s realistic or given the numbers game, to “settle.” Now, I fell like if you have #1 down, this whole “settling” nonsense goes out the window. People who do a lot of yapping about them not “settling” typically are blind to the fact that people have to do some “settling” to deal with them.

I’ve met a not insubstantial number of women since I’ve been back in DC. The vast majority of them, I’ve not kept in touch with. They were cute, usually accomplished, nice, etc. But I tend to be one of those guys who knows immediately. And the ones that haven’t inspired inspired me? Throw them back in the water and waste neither their time nor mine. Everyone wins. Could I have gotten some cheap tail off the 40 year old who keeps sending me naked pics? Sure. It probably would have been fun, if not just for the story. But is it really worth my time or the potential fallout/trip to the clinic? Probably not.

Remember last season when Ari decided not to take the studio head job? The truth is, most people would have. Because it’s the safe thing to do or what’s socially expected. And so they would have ended up in something that seems fine from the outside but isn’t all that fulfilling. Sound like anyone’s relationship you know? It’s called “Fucking with the wrong person.” Because the right person is the one who allows you to roam around your new office gleefully lighting folks up with a paintball gun.

3. Be honest with folks. The reason no one’s slashing my tires is because no one has any cause to. People know exactly where they fit in my life and hopefully, vice versa. The thing is, we have this fear of loss which prevents us from being honest about the things we don’t want people to hear. But ironically, we risk really losing them by not telling them the truth. Look, I’m where I’m at, I’m doing what I’m doing, and this is what I got. Might I lose some opportunities by doing this? Sure. But it’s like lying on a resume. It usually comes back to you, and even if it doesn’t, who needs the stress of carrying on the facade?

I talked to a girl I kicked it with once or twice when I first came back. We have pretty much no interest in each other apart from sex. So we talked about rekindling a boinking session. She asked me if I planned to wine and dine her first. I told her absolutely not. Not because I have a problem with springing for a pre-wrestlemania meal, but because I think that puts us in a dishonest space. That’s like dating light. Look, if we’re here for the sex, let’s not pretend we came for the date and stayed for the sex. We came for the sex. And when we try to start confusing the tow, things get messy. So I passed.

This works when you want to be more with someone as well as less. So many of us walk around with hurt feelings and an unwillingness to put our feelings on the table for fear of rejection, we end up realizing exactly what we were trying to avoid. So tell that person in your life how much they mean to you. What’s the worse that could happen?  They’ll laugh in your face and deride you for having the nerve to think you’re going to move from jump-off to wifey/hubby? No that’s not the worst thing. The worst thing is you could say nothing and be stuck being unhappy where you are. Don’t be like that. Be like my friend E here and put it on the table:

Comments
  1. Reina says:

    So you have an opening for a tire-slasher? 😀

    I’m glad your life is so harmonious, and I agree with all of your advice. Be unafraid to delete some people from your life. It may come off rude, but you’ll be happier. Unless I’m bored (I’ll tolerate most things when I’m bored), I don’t waste my time with things/people/situations that are not beneficial to me.

  2. 05girl says:

    I enjoyed this post. Two Qs/Comments:

    <> How so? I’d love to read some examples, especially since it seems you are talking about more than just dating relationships.

    <> Is this because you are forthcoming? A lot of people will say they are honest, but they are not forthcoming with information. You end up having to ask the right questions to get the pertinent info.

    • 05girl says:

      Argh, left out the quotes listed in those brackets.

      “I know what I can offer and what I can’t…this takes a lot of the gray area out of my relationships.” How so? I’d love to read some examples, especially since it seems you are talking about more than just dating relationships.

      “Be honest with folks…People know exactly where they fit in my life and hopefully, vice versa.” Is this because you are forthcoming? A lot of people will say they are honest, but they are not forthcoming with information. You end up having to ask the right questions to get the pertinent info. And on second read.. “fit”… care to further explain the different “fits” in your life?

  3. Sounds like my life now.

    I’m not dating, but like you…when I meet someone…i know. In the past I’d go out again if for no other reason than to have a story to tell.

    Now?

    I’m working too hard to spend my time with someone I”m not and will never be interested in. It definitely cuts down on the recreational sex, but that’s cool…I’ve definitely had my fun in that department.

    I’m also VERY honest…no reason to to be…and it definitely cuts down on a lot of BS.

    My life is harmonious in that regard, even if it’s very quiet right now.

  4. Sounds like my life now.

    I’m not dating, but like you…when I meet someone…i know. In the past I’d go out again if for no other reason than to have a story to tell.

    Now?

    I’m working too hard to spend my time with someone I”m not and will never be interested in. It definitely cuts down on the recreational sex, but that’s cool…I’ve definitely had my fun in that department.

    I’m also VERY honest…no reason to to be…and it definitely cuts down on a lot of BS.

    My life is harmonious in that regard, even if it’s very quiet right now.
    OH! You’re my new favorite blogger fyi

  5. it is always a peaceful feeling when you are able to both live and evaluate your life at once. i’ve found myself able to do that far more frequently lately and it makes things move along, much like your dating life, far more swimmingly. thanks once again for putting what i’m feeling/living into pretty words…

  6. These are all legitimate questions. And, policies should deal with some of these. But what this event was supposed to try and deal with was the one area we each have control over, ourselves.

  7. Anna says:

    Good to hear that things are going smoothly in your life. I am in a similar place. I would add to the list: Find someone that you respect. Then, be respectful of your partner. I only mention this because I was witness to a stunning display of the acid tongue recently. I looked at my s.o. and we were like, “Dayum, WDDDA?” lol. I don’t really understand that move of embarassing your man/woman like that.

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