Toxic Women

Posted: October 27, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Forget him, focus on the ring

Before I get started, the reason I’m using a gender specific term here…is because I’m a guy. So before you get your draws up in a bunch moving your neck around talking about “why he ain’t taking bout toxic men?”, it’s cause I don’t date men. Someone else is thus much more qualified to speak on that subject than I am. It’s not cause I’m sexist. I mean I am sexist, but that has nothing to do with this here topic. I’ll be utilizing my sexism in such upcoming posts as “Why You Shouldn’t Interrupt When Men are Talking,” “Good Women Know their Place: the Kitchen,” and “You ain’t Baked Nothing All Day: Reasons to Divorce Her, Vol I.”

However, today’s topic was inspired by a post Belle had about whether or not Black women know how to date.
In the post, She mentions problems she has whenever she tries to fix up a single female friend of hers with a man:

It happens whenever I suggest to women who complain of not going on a date in ages that they go out with the janitor, the waiter, a mail room man, or whomever is cute with cut arms that are the size of her thigh.

The response is always a list of degrees and awards and accomplishments and there’s always— always— a comment about the man not being on “my level.” (FYI– none of those make you laugh or keep the bed warm.)

This is the first type of toxic woman:

The Equally Yoked-er

You better have a Class A office bldg in your background pic if you want some of this.

You better have a Class A office bldg in your background pic if you want some of this.

This chick. No matter what she’s done or hasn’t done in her life, her expectation of a man is that he be “equally yoked.” Now in the biblical sense, I’m to understand that this means two Christians who share the same faith in Jesus. For her purposes, however, this usually boils down to your resume. I was at a Black Ivy League mixer a couple months back and a friend of mine who’s a cop was talking to a young lady and he was right offended when she asked him “So which Ivy did you go to, or are you one of these interlopers?” Granted, it was an Ivy League mixer, so it wouldn’t be unfair to expect that most people there were in fact Ivy Leaguers, but I think it was the “interloper” comment that didn’t work for him. The “Equally Yoked-er” is obsessed with her potential mate having a checklist of qualifications to make him acceptable. Because the Equally Yoked-er usually has an advanced degree, she believes it would be “settling” or a step down to date someone that doesn’t or went to a school she deems inferior to hers. As I mentioned on Belle’s blog, the problem is this:

We talked a lot about this on a certain young black professional dating forum. What some of these women don’t get is that, for better or worse, educational and professional achievement don’t mean much to men if you’re not good looking. So while you as a multi-degreed sister may value a man’s career and education over his looks, it doesn’t really work the same way for us. Yeah, all things equal, we’ll take an HBS 8 over a Devry 8, but I don’t know too many men choosing a 6 with a Wharton MBA over a fresh out of Howard 9. Just is what it is.

The Equally Yoked-er becomes toxic for herself because she sabotages potential relationships based on criteria that while may be impressive, don’t really correlate with functional relationships. And she becomes toxic to men in two ways. for men that don’t “measure up”, she tends to deride or minimize them. The refrain is always, “I have a law degree, I’m supposed to date the janitor now?” As if there were no middle ground between lawyer and janitor. For those men that do meet her standards, if they’re not interested, she’s the first to yell about how “these arrogant educated black men think they’re god’s gift to women.” In some ways, she fetishizes public accomplishment the same way guys fetishize a Cherokee D’ass size booty. It’s not about the person, it’s about something else.

The Attention Whore

This is bullshit! I said a helicopter for my Sweet 16! Not foreigner, Helicopter!

You all know this one. She NEEDS to be seen, NEEDS men to pay attention to her, and NEEDS to have her existence validated. She’s the one on twitter posting links to her Youstream feed every three minutes or linking up twitpics of her bent over a Bentley when the topic has nothing to do with that so the attention goes to her. She starts off on MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 and ends up on Bridezillas. Whenever the conversation moves to something that’s not about her, she has to reel it back in. She’s toxic because she doesn’t need affection, she needs attention. And she’ll get it where she can find it. Usually, the best way to do that is sexual provocation. Not saying she’s a slut, but….. Until she finally feels validated enough by her quasi-celebrity status, she’s not worth putting a lot of time into, because her focus isn’t on anyone else but her.

The Diva


Much like the Attention Whore, this one is focused on her, her, her. Her deal is entitlement. She’s never done a kind thing in her life because she feels like people should give her special favor and attention for…well, hell if I know.

The Dreamer

This one alternately has her head in the clouds or up her ass. The dull realities of life don’t really measure up for her, so she creates these fantasy worlds of what things COULD be like without bothering to put in the effort to make them like that. This relates to everything with her. She’s 5’3″ and chubby but thinks she’s going to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Her ideal of marriage is the Cosby Show, and anything short of that just won’t do. Despite the fact that unlike Claire, she’s not a lawyer, and her credits so bad, she’ll never qualify for that Brooklyn Brownstone. The problem is, anything that doesn’t mesh with the fantasy she’s created in her head is a disappointment, regardless of how unlikely it was in the first place, creating eternal frustration.

The Victim

It's all that Marley boy's fault

This woman is perpetually oppressed by everyone. Men, white people, patriarchy, her boss, her health problems. Nothing about this woman’s life seems any fun and since people don’t really find themselves attracted to that, she creates a vicious cycle where people reject her because, well, she’s miserable. This makes her even more miserable. I’ll tell you who was oppressed: My maternal grandmother. She was a domestic in Southern Maryland, which might as well have been Alabama at the time. She had no real formal education, worked herself to the bone to support 12 children (two of whom died young), and was married to a man, my grandfather, who I am to understand was a true and real son of a bitch. And yet, my grandmother was one of the most joyful people I’ve met. She could glean joy from the smallest things. Her kids grew up healthy and right. The Victim could learn something from her.

The Conformist

Must. Not. Upset. The Base.

This woman has never met a social group she didn’t HAVE to fit into. She constantly needs the approval and acceptance of her peers and is loath to have an independent thought or be someone or something that may offend. She usually has a carefully crafted personality and appearance and is quick to judge those who don’t similarly conform. Unfortunately, one wrong move and she’s out in the cold with the same people she was so desperate to impress int he first place.

The Leech

I don't want the Rolls, I just need a ride. And a burger. Mmmmh. Checkers!

While there’s a lot of talk about gold-diggers from a lot of guys in our socio-economic circle, the reality is that for the vast majority of them, professional gold-diggers aren’t giving them the time of day. no ones trying to trap them with a baby or take their houses and cars. What the leech will do however, is use her feminine wiles to slowly drain men for the little things: Dinners, drinks at the club, a light bill here and there. The good thing about the leech is she usually has a pretty good idea of who she an and can’t pull this shit with. So as a man, it’s pretty easy if you just make it known that you’re not that dude to correct this behavior. for the woman herself, this is problematic because she gets a reputation, and even if the guy hasn’t heard about her, he’ll pick up her M.O. pretty quick and put her in a certain category. That category is usually NOT described as wife or girlfriend.

So who’s this post for? Male bloggers get slammed quite a bit for telling women what to do dating-wise. This, at the end of the day, is just one man’s opinion of what types of women I shy away from. There are certain men I assure you are interested in these types of women. I’m just not one of them and most of the guys I know aren’t those guys either. For guys, these are some women you may or may not want to deal with when you see signs. It’s up to you. Use with caution

Faithfully yours,

B St. Arruh

  1. Me'Shell says:

    Again, another blog…well done! 🙂 Your perspective on women is right on!

    I’ll make sure to pass this on!

    Keep your blog alive!

    • Sophia says:

      hi – I read this and thought the guy who wrote this seems so insecure. I also never got the impression M. Carey had any issues with getting her own money or ring. I think her husband is actually coming out on top financially. Many men, like to give the women they love things as a way to express how they care: read the 5 languages of love. And she clearly appreciated what he gave her (even though she could have bought a bigger one herself.) He is also glowing. It isn’t about the ring – it is the symbol of his love for her – they way they BOTH wanted to express it. To paint Nick Brown as a victim here is hilariously incorrect.

      I think most the other examples apply to both sexes. Women don’t want self-centered men, mama’s boys, drama kings (and oh yes, they exist) manwhores, victims (my ex wife….., may parent’s never loved me…..I was adopted….blah bah blah!) peter pans (panettes) , partners who don’t grow up, commitment-phobes, etc. And if you really believe in the woman is for the kitchen and bedroom then you have just relegated men to the cash/take out the trash. There has to be a counter part to that system and according to your own complaints you don’t want to be wanted for your $. So boohoo. Can’t have it all ways or perhaps you are as selfish as those you accuse….hhhhmmmm…..

  2. SG says:

    This article is ridiculous. Thanks for at least admitting that it’s sexist. So a woman who has worked her ass off for several additional years of education to become a lawyer shouldn’t hold her men to high standards? Maybe she can have a one-night stand with the janitor, but the relationship won’t last five minutes when she starts speaking about the cases she deals with, or tries to explain to him that yes, she makes money, but no, she can’t buy him a damn PS3 because she’s got student loans to pay.

    Yeah, how dare she have pride or self-worth. Bullshit.

    • You do realize that you just completely fell into my stereotype, right? And I quote: “The refrain is always, “I have a law degree, I’m supposed to date the janitor now?” As if there were no middle ground between lawyer and janitor.” Thanks for hollering, hit dog. You just proved my point.

    • OneChele says:

      @SG – Whoa there. I will agree that overall the article had some broad sweeping generalizations that could stand some fine tuning. However, your comment is just as bad for assuming a janitor can’t understand legal cases or buy his own PS3 (or even wants a PS3). What if he’s a janitor working his way through law school at night?

      I think the meeting needs to be somewhere in the middle. Everybody needs to look beneath the surface. Is the attention whore really just insecure who with a little guidance can become the next Tyra? Is the struggling janitor 25 or 45? Is this a pit stop or a lifestyle?

      Point is, everybody can stand to take a step back and stop labeling people. Personally, I’ve been called a few too many “bougie bitches” in my day so I decided to own it. It’s not my place (or anyone else’s) to judge why a person does what they do. if you don’t want to date the janitor, don’t do it but don’t act like it’s beneath you or that they aren’t worthy people overall. And BSR, stop painting with the broad strokes, a nice touch would have been to add that sometimes women’s toxicity is in direct correlation to how much poison she’s had to swallow.

      Bougie out – OneChele

      • Anna says:

        I totally agree with this:

        “sometimes women’s toxicity is in direct correlation to how much poison she’s had to swallow.”

        Unfortunately, most of the men I know are not in the business of emotional rehabilitation. Hard as it is, we just have to work through it. I was listening when Ms. Badu told me not to be a bag lady, lol.

  3. true2me says:

    LMAO she did fall into the category right away (SG) thats SO funny. I dont fit into any of these categories aaaaaaaand I agree with them (yes I am a woman). This is funny, I complain about these types of women alot..glad someone blogged about them

    Good Post..Me likes

  4. 05girl says:

    This is nothing new….(characterizing the “bad” types of women on the dating scene)

    What gets lost in these type of posts is the fact that people are dynamic. There are many other (redeeming) facets to a personality other than “gold digging” or “conforming.” All in all this is just a(nother) negative post, which is probably why I’m not digging it. I’d rather have the intellectual and positive posts we’ve seen here lately.

  5. and1grad says:

    Excellent article. Most of us DO see these types of women on display everywhere and some do gravitate to a certain type. I actually think a woman will, more often than not, fall into one of these categories…at least to some degree.

  6. Tunde says:

    this post was on point. i think that these women are pretty easy to point out. being that i’m still in graduate school, the one i come across the most is the equally yoked-er. and this:

    For those men that do meet her standards, if they’re not interested, she’s the first to yell about how “these arrogant educated black men think they’re god’s gift to women.”

    is so true. i’ve seen it one to many times. out of this list the equally yoked-er is the one that irks me the most. the rest are easy to me to spot and therefore easy for me to avoid.

  7. Anna says:

    Good post, BSR. I agree with your list, but I would also add that these women get on other women’s nerves as well. Leeches leech off of their friends, too. Same with attention whores – I went to dinner with my cuz and a few others, when we were being seated she ran around the table and sat in the seat that the waitress was ushering me to so that she could be seen by all the men folk on the other side of the aisle. SMH!

    From what I have seen, men are usually drawn to toxic women because they tend to be good-lookin’ and/or aggressive in social situations. Fortunately, toxic women are usually the architects of their own misery and are responsible for pumping many decent men back into the dating pool, where they are snapped up by regular ole decent women.

    To these toxic women I say, Go girl! You’re right – that man is not worthy of you. Sure, see how much you can get out of a date. Blue collar? Girl, carry the HELL out of him, he should never have tried to talk to you in the first place! Be as toxic as you wanna be – just don’t be surprised when you’re in the house making love to your degrees and the mirror, lol. Remember that attention hungry cousin I mentioned? Well, she has a dating resume that looks perfect (pretty, very educated and accomplished). She’s also 36 and single with no kids, still looking down on perfectly good men and seriously considering artificial insemination. Lawd.

  8. Jubilance says:

    Wow, this was actually spot-on. Great post.

    Now let me write the piece on Toxic Men!

  9. true2me says:

    The fact is …you can categorize every woman no matter good or bad. Why keep the categorizing..I dunno..I guess it’s entertaining (shyt I do it myself)

  10. ChellBellz says:

    Ladies remember this, If you don’t fall into these categories, then there is no need to get upset. There are plenty of these types out here. I think that people are so hell bent of labeling, everybody has a personality, and it might work for some, and might work for others.

  11. Chuck says:

    BRS, the post is good kid.. Ive came across the The Equally Yoked-er, Attention Whore, and Conformist one too many times myself. But i will admit that I’m drawn toward them for some reason. I mean, its like looking at the missle that will sink your ship, but still go toward it.. And for all the wrong and sometimes right reasons..

    Most of the time , its to prove them wrong. They say most educated, successful black men think they’re God’s Gift to men, and i show them a good time and how genuine men can be. Professional women (lawyers, bankers, models) think that certain guys are not on their level, and I show them that someone can sweep them off their feet while achievement, degrees, and AGE doesnt matter..

    But, because of their toxic ways, I know it would never work, bc/ their not genuine… We both have a good time and then its “On to the next one”…

    Until i find someone actually genuine and not toxic..


  12. Chuck says:

    “They say most educated, successful black men think they’re God’s Gift to WOMEN*”

  13. Alicia says:

    Hey look! I can do the same thing you did! Here’s my list of toxic men:

    1) Cheating dudes
    2) Lying dudes
    3) Broke, sittin on the couch dudes
    4) Drug dealers
    5) Successful dudes who date white girls

    *That was sarcasm*

    But seriously, I can agree with some of the points in the list. I just feel like it’s ignoring the fact that the of toxic men that I (or any woman) can create would be far worse than these descriptions of “toxic” (I’d just call it annoying) women.

  14. B says:

    When will bloggers start to offer insightful advice on pushing relationships to the next level and stop focusing on the women who can’t even get passed the 1st date. Women who can’t find a man won’t get any help from the above. When they are ready to stop being petty and start putting in the work that a REAL relationship requires then they will understand that they can’t go on in the same way. But you SG can do better. It’s easy to talk about the flawed… but when will you speak to those who are striving for excellence in their relationships?

    • I think I covered (and will continue) to cover things that men and women can do to increase their odds of finding happiness with the opposite sex (or whatever they’re into) in a few posts. The fact is, there are some clear behaviors that sabotage one’s relationship prospects but as far as behaviors that encourage fulfillment, there are no guarantees. So I’m willing to share and hear opinions on that, it’s just more difficult to point out how to succeed vs. how not to fail.

  15. Fanta says:

    you done did it again, lol

  16. M Dot says:

    First off, great blog! I laughed at a few of these.

    Secondly, as your opening indicated, there’s toxic men out there too. I’m a man and just as I’ve come across these types of women on the dating scene or heard my boys talk about these types of women, I’ve seen other guys (some of them are even my homeboys) who exhibit the same toxicity. So, I don’t see it as being sexist when the door swings both ways on this gate.

    Third, maybe you should put a disclaimer or something in blogs like this that says something like FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. From reading some of the replies so far, seems like folks are taking this a lil too much to heart. Unless I’m wrong, the author can’t know all of the people posting replies on a personal basis nor all of our intimate business: so why get your feelings all caught up in a blog? (unless you fit the profile) If you do, then all I can say is laugh it off, take a deep breath and decide whether you love yourself enough to change for the better or if you love yourself enough to stick to your guns and stay true to yourself. Real talk

  17. iamkamilah says:

    i think that you are pretty right on! I know women who fit in each of these categories. Great Post (i will link this on my blogsite).

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