The Toxic Man

Posted: November 3, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Duh-nuh-nuh. Finally, our long awaited guest post from young Jubi over at Black Girls Unlost Enjoy:

Us ladies (myself included) sometimes have a hard time spotting the men to avoid & the ones to pursue…here’s a short list of the men to avoid if you can, unless of course, you like taking on new projects:

Gold is for the honeys, green is for the money!

The Player

Yes I know its cliché, but it still holds true.  “Monogamous” is a word that is not in his lexicon.  He always has a team, and the best you can hope for is that it’s a b-ball squad instead of a football starting lineup.  He is the quintessential ladies man, and sadly, you probably aren’t the woman to get him to settle down.  When you first meet him, he’s charming & seems to know all the right things to say, and he’s probably putting it down in the bedroom too.  But once you get comfy, you realize that you’re just one of many, and he isn’t about to change his lifestyle just for you.  Make no mistake, he has no problem with you taking care of him in hopes of being his one & only, but with this guy, the “prize” is being his #1, not his only.  Save yourself the heartache & the drama by steering clear of this guy.

It's not my fault!

The Victim

Brandon posted on the ladies who are victims, but there are a lot of men who fit this definition too.  Everything in life happens to him and taking responsibility for his actions is a foreign concept.  Being broke, not holding onto a job or having a crappy one, not being happy with his life, and countless other things are always the fault of someone else, particularly The Man.  In your relationship, he can’t take responsibility or make a decision either; he leaves it all up to you so when it doesn’t work out, the blame is squarely on your shoulders.  This guy isn’t worth the frustration & negativity.

Oh, hello, plebians!

Oh, hello Plebians!

The Elitist

We all know one of these guys, a snob to the 10th degree.  You aren’t worth his time unless you went to the right school, got the right degree, pledged the right sorority, got the right job, shop in the right stores, and so on & so forth.  Dating this guy means rubbing elbows with his peers who are equally snobby & stiff, probably at some boring wine & cheese or other event that the Black elite are attending now.  He wouldn’t be caught dead in anything that could be mistaken as “common”.  What’s funny is that most of these men are one or two generations removed from poverty, but let them tell it, they are a blue-blood through and through.  Should you have the right pedigree and grooming to make it past his elaborate vetting process; you’ll be disappointed in what you get: a boring, judgmental man who is insecure in who he is.  Not worth it, in my book.

Oh shit, Run This Town is on! Feel it coming in the aiiiiir!

The Club Guy

He’s the guy dressed head-to-toe in designer labels, rocking probably knock-off designer shades in the club.  He’s poppin bottles in the club every night, and you see him on every week.  He’s an attention whore that needs to see & be seen…which doesn’t leave too much time for a relationship.  He’s spending all his time & money trying to floss with his boys, so those romantic dates are out of the question.  Besides, do you really want your man to be in the club every night?  I think not.  Dance with him in the club, enjoy his VIP table & keep it moving.

And if you need me, baby, I'll come running...

The Two-Minute Brother

I know what some of y’all were thinking and you should definitely avoid “that guy”, but I’m actually referring to that guy that is in a rush to be in a relationship.  He wants your number in the first five minutes of conversation, he wants to be exclusive after the second date, and he wants to put a ring on it before three months has passed.  Sure, it can seem like a whirl-wind romance & you’ve been swept off your feet & all that wonderful stuff…but then you ask yourself: what’s the rush?  Why is he in such a hurry to lock me down?  He could be the type of man who knows what he wants (and has found it in you)…OR he could have some ulterior motives.  Love is grand, but rushing doesn’t help anyone, and if he’s not willing to slow down the pace, it could be a sign that he has abusive or co-dependent tendencies.  Proceed with caution.

Look, bitch, I got a meeting. You cool getting home, right?

The Emotionally-Unavailable Guy

This guy is harder to spot, and unfortunately, you really don’t know he’s this guy until after you’ve been in a relationship for a while.  This guy never invests his heart in the relationship, and it manifests in his behavior.  He’s detached from you, and seems cold and uncaring.  When he talks or makes plans, it’s all about him, instead of about two of you as a couple.  He may have had negative relationships with women from an early age (especially his mother) which continues to affect his behavior in your relationship.  The only way he show any emotion is through sex, and after its over, he’s back to being cold and distant.  It can be very difficult to deal with an emotionally distant or unavailable man, and you will have to do some soul-searching to figure out if you can sustain a relationship that is lacking emotionally.  For many women, it becomes a source of contention within the relationship, and the breaking point.  Walking away may be the best thing.

Bitch, this the dog walker, let me you hit back

The No Time Guy

This is the guy who thinks he can do it all: the career, the family, the friends, the extra stuff, and the relationship.  Unfortunately, you’re the low man on the totem pole, and he puts everything else before you and your relationship.  Once he’s done working, dealing with friends and family, attending fraternity meetings, and playing his intramural game, he barely has time to kiss you goodnight.  You feel lucky if he’s able to swing by for a quickie once a week.  In order to get on his schedule, you have to book him way in advance (think Robin Givens and Eddie Murphy in “Boomerang”, where she penciled him in three weeks in advance).  He cancels at the last minute or doesn’t even show up, and you’re left wondering why you even put up with his foolishness.  If a man isn’t willing to make time for you and the relationship, then he’s toxic and a waste of time.

My number one lady

The Mama’s Boy

We’ve all been there and dated the mama’s boy.  He can’t make a decision or even brush his teeth without consulting his mother.  She is the first, last and only woman in his life.  No woman will ever compare to mama, but he’s going to make you jump through hoops like you’re auditioning for the circus to see if you can come close to his mama’s greatness.  You’ll be cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, entertaining his friends, walking his dog, and everything else, just to prove to him how great you are. But at the end of the day, it will be all for naught, cause mama won’t like you anyway.  Taking care of your man is great, but do you really want to take care of a man who doesn’t know how to boil an egg or put his dirty clothes in the hamper?  Unless your professional title is “servant”, skip the mama’s boy and find a man who doesn’t have such an unhealthy relationship with his mother.

  1. MissKey says:

    I loved this post. I know alllll of these guys I have the MOST experience No time guy, it’s cause he’s so ambitious and reminds me of myself in that way but what I had to realize is that my time is important as well and if I’m making sacrifices for the “relationship” he should be as well…Anyway again I loved the post!!

  2. D'Vine says:

    I know “The Victim” aww too well everything in their lives are priority and its just a “mess” that he tries and fails alot to make it consume the mate he is with….no we are not going to see everything the same. Yes I feel bad for you but what are you doing to improve the problem?! Seriously I don’t need him. The rest those are right on point. Good blog!

  3. Travelinupe says:

    A very interesting characterization of the type of men available in society. Now, the question becomes , in order to find “HIM”, “which one are you willing to tolerate?”. It is very unlikely that any one would be able to AVOID (unless you stay single) any of the categories because all men can be rolled into one (some might even have a characteristic from each, meaning you’ll deal with ALL of them).

    “At the end of the day; you know your destination, you’ve mapped your course; how will you stay on your path with the many temptations that will catch your eye (heart)…it is all driven by desire and what you seek most”

  4. Kandyice says:

    This post rings very true. I’m glad to see the woman’s perspective on this post because actually I encountered one of these types of guys over the weekend. The bells just started ringing when I saw that description of the “No Time Guy” and the “Two Minute Guy.” Both of those descriptions rolled up into one. *shivers* lol. This is def. a moment to go back to the drawing board.

  5. Wordz says:

    Kudos to you for this post !!!!!!! Too many of these gawd awful creatures walking around. If this doesn’t apply to you then KUDOS TO YOU FOR STEPPING OUT THE

  6. Reina says:

    Funny post!

    Gotta say I’ve had the most experiences with guys in the “Elitist” and “No Time” categories. It never takes long before they bore/annoy me, and I go on my way. I really need to change what I’m attracted to.

  7. Undeniable says:

    Plenty of women have been exposed to this info numerous times…an still get caught up. Some of this shit is obvious, while some of it requires deeper observation…at the end of the day, folks still get caught up.

    I don’t say that to say men don’t get caught up w/ toxic women. Far from it; gullibility knows no gender. I say it to say we all collectively need to do better.

  8. Tunde says:

    in reality i think most men have been one of these guys in some way and some point in their lives. it is what it is. in introspect i can say that i have been the no time guy, the emotionally unavailable guy and the two minute brother. am i any of these guys today? nope (at least i don’t think so). it’s about self-reflection and wanting to be a better man. not because you want to attract a better woman but wanting to be a better man for sake of being a better person. good post though.

  9. Nice post, sis! The Emotionally Unavailble Guy and the No Time Guy are the ones I’ve been felled by. With the latter, the lack of time you actually spend with him allows you to create a far more perfect image of him in your head. In his absence, he becomes more desireable. Women like a chase too, and that MF seems like he’s giving it. In reality, he just doesn’t like you that much.

    In the past, I’ve felt like I could love or nurture someone out of their emotionally distant ways. You know, try to undo whatever the last woman or the mom or the police did wrong. You can’t save him if he don’t wanna be saved.

  10. Reecie says:

    I’ve dealt with The Player, The No-Time Guy, and the emotionally unavailable one more times than I can count. No Elitists or Two Minute Brothers–wonder why? lol. One of my TIGHT girls is dealing with The Victim now and I really want her to run from him 😦 I’m starting to think she likes to save them hoes. lol

  11. iamkamilah says:

    great post! i have dealt with the elitist (who begged me to pledge a certain sorority as he wanted to run for political office in his city) as well as the two minute guy who wanted to marry me after high school. yeah. but the best bf was the one who had time, took it slow, faithful, was educated but loved his community, loved his mom and knew how to treat me like a lady, and, was emotionally available. but this too didn’t work. lol. he had other issues! lol.

  12. B tiiny says:

    I enjoyed your post……very amusing…..

    I do think, however, that all of these toxic men are pretty obvious most of the time…..and its pretty obvious why one should leave them alone…….

  13. Babygurrl says:

    In my short time here on earth…I think I’ve dated about all of these guys..the worst by far is the No Time Guy. Nothing sucks more than being the last thing on someone’s mind when they’re the first thing on yours.

  14. Publius says:

    Insightful post. However, it begs the question, what type of man is left?

  15. Your post made much sense. Thanks for your insight.

    I assert that we attract the kind of people we are.

    What does the kind of person/people we attract say about who we are?

    I wonder.

  16. Benji's Mama says:

    Excellent post!! I think I have dated every last one of those guys at some point in my life, lol!!

  17. Fat Easy says:

    Toxic Man? interesting very good read
    Can’t wait to read your “Supportive Man” blog i am sure there has to be twice as many of those as toxic men.
    Keep me posted

  18. […] bled till the poison was gone 8 11 2009 Brandon St. Randy wrote two very poignant pieces on Toxic Men and Toxic Women to avoid.  I read, I laughed, I […]

  19. gdzprncess says:

    This is a really good summary of some of the issues that men have. I don’t think women have a lot of trouble recognizing these guys but don’t know what to do to avoid getting involved. Also, honestly, even a good guy may have some less desirable traits. Hopefully, his is in balance though.

  20. Jdantv says:

    I LOVED THIS. I thought it was spot on, great job!

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