Had a good weekend this weekend. Very good weekend actually. And I chalk that all up to the fact that I’m a man. Yep, a dude. Hombre. El Vato Loco. Big Bwana. And as a man, nothing is better than being around a bunch of pretty lookin’ women. Especially when you have a chance at a lot of these pretty lookin’ women. I mean, that’s a good weekend. Simple and plain.

I bring all this up because there’s been a lot of yackery over the past few days about how hard it is to be a black woman in the dating game, especially as it relates to more educated, upwardly mobile (read bougie) sisters. The dam broke with the Helena Andrews Wapo article about her new book, “Bitch is the New Black.” This was emailed around, forwarded, tweeted about, and ended up on VSB’s Blog and The Beautiful Struggler. As predicatably as crime returning to a newly gentrified neighborhood in a recession, the conversation split into either people telling women what they’re doing wrong and why their oafish behavior is the reason they don’t have a man or men explaining why women don’t have the monopoly on difficulty in dating. Same story, different blog.

Update: A Belle in Brooklyn has also gotten in on the Bitch is the New Black Game

But see, here’s the thing. I actually try to put myself in the shoes of my female counterparts (if you saw my halloween costume, you’ll of course get the irony of this statement). And Frankly, I would hate to be a chick in these DC streets.

Let’s take Friday: I started off at a friend’s networking event/toy drive. When I got there, there were about 10-15 women sitting in small groups, eating hors d’ouevres and drinking sassy cocktails. There might have ben three guys there, and two of them were clearly with their woman or on a date. So I was essentially the only single dude there mingling. And I did mingle. I sat at all the tables and talked to pretty much everyone. And they all asked for the male opinion on what their situations were. Thing is, their situations were all universally fucked up. One girl had a string of dates where the guys were in relationships, knew they were on a pedestal, and one was even straight up married. One was trying to figure out how to snare a guy that she essentially threw a house party so she could spend more time with him, made out with him, and hadn’t heard from in a couple weeks, and another one who just admitted she didn’t even ask questions anymore that she didn’t want the answers to.

But let’s turn this on its head. Let’s say I go to an event and there are 15 dudes there and three women. And only one of those women is single.  She can basically peruse the lot, kick the tires, ask the salesman questions, and test drive all of us all she likes. She doesn’t have to make a decision. Choose? Who the hell are we to ask her to choose when there’s so little competition. And would we even want her to choose just one? Wouldn’t it be better if she spread herself around a little so maybe two or three of us could get some time with her as opposed to just one. And what if you weren’t really the best model on the lot. You were a little older, maybe didn’t have any options or were a minivan shape in a sports car world. Then, what can you really expect? Do you really have any choices at all? What do you have to compromise not just in terms of who you’ll date, but what you have to compromise of yourself just to get a date? What if I had to spend Ruth Chris first date money to go out with someone who in any rational dating economy would only warrant a Starbucks/Barnes & Noble meet-up? I might get a little bitter.

If I were a chick, I’d be infuriated by this. I mean, I get infuriated when a top notch best of the best woman doesn’t want me. If I go out on the town and I don’t receive interest from several women, I wonder what the hell is going wrong. Imagine if I had to lower my standards to deal with women who were substantially flawed. I’m six feet tall, weigh 180 lbs. and have next to no body fat. What if I had people everyday telling me that I’d better get used to the idea that my mate should be 5’3″ and weigh above 200? Do you know how livid I would be? I would literally slap someone if they told me something that ridiculous. Not because I was angry with them, but because I wanted to knock the early dementia out of them with love.

I have degrees from some pretty decent institutions of higher learning. I enjoyed my academic time and am proud of my alma maters. What if someone told me I HAD to date a woman who didn’t go to college? Or worse, if it was constantly implicated that because of my looks, I wasn’t up to the level of standard of what college educated women would want? What if women all of a sudden stopped valuing education, despite the fact that I’d been told basically since birth that the right thing to do was to load myself up with degrees like a Ghanaian immigrant fresh off the boat. I’d be jive pissed.

And the reality out there is that as much as we can tell women in the micro things that they can do to increase their chances or ways to stop scaring off men, the reality is when the music stops, there just aren’t enough chairs for everyone. Someone’s going to be left high an dry.

I can’t really fathom a situation in which I would have to deal with that as a reality. I mean my worst case scenario is basically, if I get a certain amount of old, I can basically pick out a woman who’s looking to get family life on and say “look, this is who I am and what I got, let’s get married and have some kids.” Now, this might not work the first time I ask it. But I doubt I’d have to ask it more than three or four times before I found  a taker. And this is the WORST case. The failsafe. Even in that situation, I still have probably at least a fairly attractive wife and some kids. The best case is that I basically get to have free rein in trying out every type of woman under the sun. I don’t have to worry abotu making a bad choice,  because there’s always the potential for another choice if the one I make doesn’t work out. And I don’t take that for granted as a luxury.

So Women, just from me, Brandon St. Randy feels for you.

  1. Happy Meal says:

    I’m glad you can see things from a woman’s POV. Oddly enough though, the entire time I was reading your post I just couldn’t get that Beyonce song out of my head… lol

  2. Good post.

    But at the end fo the day if you know that’s the field you’re playing in…you have to change your tactics. Women have to stop laying the “I’m so desperate for a man game.” and play the “I’m the Baddest Bitch in the room – fuck wit then other hos if you wanna.”

    At the end of the day it doesn’t matter how many options a man has – he still wants the toy he can’t play with.

    And if top of the food chain women were honest with themselves – they like Type A Gunslinger types and those dudes don’t settle down and if they do not until they are good an din their 40s and then with a woman who is 27 or younger.

  3. Jubilance says:

    Interesting post…

    I can definitely empathize with the lack of options (cause being in FL had about 2), but that doesn’t excuse some bad behavior that I see from the ladies. Which, I actually wrote about yesterday (http://blackgirlunlost.blogspot.com if anybody’s interested). And lack of options, or at least the options you want, isn’t a reason to turn on the “woe is me” music either. I guess I just want ladies in my demographic to do better & stop being so negative. Keep beliving that their are “no good Black men” and guess what you’ll get?

  4. Publius says:

    Poignant post. I have to agree. Honestly, if I go out and don’t have 3+ women shoot me a compliment or aggressively pursue me, I chalk the night up as an L and at times start feeling sorry for myself…sad, I know. I’d hate to switch places with black women; however, becoming “The Bitch” only further excludes a woman. To me, it’s a sign that she’s given up.

  5. jdantv says:

    Very thoughtful post. I like your very practical approach. Sad to see a couple people, use their comments to, once again, relay “what black women do wrong” smh I guess some people never miss an opportunity to get a dig in.

  6. Reecie says:

    Haven’t been on the site in awhile–been reading via google reader, nice changes. I feel your post and understand how a man can think sucks to be you, it does kinda come off as “these po little ladies”. But then again I don’t consider myself to be in this dateless, hopeless category.

  7. Tunde says:

    in the end you could be smart, funny, have 6 degrees but if you don’t look good to a guy
    chances are he’s not going to go for you. he’s going to go for that woman who he finds attractive first. if things don’t work out there then he’ll make his way to the next one who he finds attractive and hopefully she’ll have some of those other traits he looks for in a woman. sorry to say most guys are turned on by physical first and that is very high on their list of what they want in a woman. its life. its not fair but its life.

    i think that if women are fed up or tired with the way their dating lives are going then maybe they need to really re-assess the type of guy they allow to approach them. its easier said than done but it’s a start.

    “the reality is when the music stops, there just aren’t enough chairs for everyone. Someone’s going to be left high an dry.”

    this excerpt from your post is real talk.

  8. Dear Sir St. Randy,
    I appreciate that you’ve managed to find a way to be entertaining and still understanding of what has become such a trite topic of discussion. Talking about why Black women are unhappy in the dating world is like writing a breakup song; it’ll be successful ’cause everyone can relate. I think the greatest problem, and the reason that this line of conversation keeps being resuscitated (sp?) in different skin (pun intended) is because EVERYONE is focusing on the wrong elements of change. It has nothing to do with changing appearance or conversation or degrees or clothing. It has everything to do with contentment and confidence within. At the end of the day, what we all want, (Black, White, male, female, whatever) is to be happy and healthy. If more PEOPLE would concentrate on living their lives to be happy and content instead of searching for it in a job, a man, a woman, an income, a bauble or trinket, then most of these conversations would disappear. Once more people start to genuinely be happy and change their perspectives/outlooks, you’ll find way more people who will walk in a spot as the Single Black Woman described, like they are the baddest bitch/dude in the room.

  9. Daydreamer says:

    Well at least you get it…. But honestly I don’t subscribe to the hype. I mean, why should I at 26 believe that the best man I’ll get will have at least one kid, HS educated and works a blue collar job? o_O Really? Not that any of the above is unacceptable but it’s not for ME. There are just certain levels of expectations I have and I’m not going to cut corners just to say, ‘well at least I gots me a man’. Absoloutley not! I KNOW I am well within my rights to desire the well educated, good-looking, family oriented, etc, etc, etc man I want because I KNOW they exist! Hell, there’s you, blogger A, B,C, my own college friends, their friends, and the 6 degrees of separation goes on. Granted the pool might be a bit more limited than that of the average Joe but as many late 20s and 30 somethings I know who are married, dating and loving it, the pool for me isn’t that small.

  10. Monk says:

    I understand the compassion for those in that type of situation, but as another commentor alluded to, what ever happened to being happy yourself without the need for for that relationship to complete you? Work on being happy within yourself first and foremost. After that, any additional circumstances (job, marriage, kids, more education) will just be the icing on the cake.

    Also, at what point do women (and some men) just accept that life isn’t fair and they’re not going to have that fairytale life that they dreamed of? Happiness is very much attainable but it just doesn’t always come wrapped neatly in in the package that they’ve wished for their entire life.

  11. Chris says:

    Funny blog. I always hear black women complain that successful black men have such an easy time in the dating game, especially in Washington, DC. I’m not quite so sure that’s the case though. If anything, I think an attractive black woman has far more opportunities to meet qualified suitors than black men. That’s just my view. I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on that.

  12. Q says:

    “like a Ghanaian immigrant fresh off the boat.” hahaha. dope post..as usual.

  13. Life of a Lush says:

    This is going to sound messed up but I think the women who are complaining the most are either not that attractive or have some other fatal flaw. Now this fatal flaw could be that in their younger years was closed off to men and too focused on themselves that they allowed their youth to slip away from them and are now older and not that appealing to men. Or the flaw could be that they have children, a messed up attitude (sorry for the sterotype), or are just plain boring.

    I am in my mid twenties, attractive, and educated. I have yet to have a single problem with finding quality men, now up until recently I haven’t wanted much more than a casual relationship with the men I have dated. But just as in the past I know it will not be difficult for me to get a boyfriend once I get over my selfish ways.

    • Chris says:

      “I am in my mid twenties, attractive, and educated. I have yet to have a single problem with finding quality men…”

      If all of this is in fact true, then yeah, you’ll probably have an easy time FINDING attractive, quality men. Getting an attractive, quality man to commit to you and ONLY you? That might be a different story.

      I just find Mr. St. Randy’s POV interesting because I don’t see things the same way. True, when I go to parties, there are usually more women than men. Sometimes there are far more women than men. And sometimes it’s the opposite. But the numbers aren’t really relevant. That’s because both men and women only want to deal with a tiny subset of the opposite sex. For men, our formula looks something like (I’ll just assume that stuff like caring, honesty, loyalty is bulit in, which is a whole different story altogether. But I think we make our first cut based on the following criteria when looking for that “ideal”)

      Pretty + Not Stupid + Not a slut/mean bitch = wifey material.

      For women, the formula is more like…

      Handsome + Rich + Swagger/Game/Desired by other women (high social proof) = husband material

      When I go out in DC, I meet all types of accomplished women, with all sorts of degrees and letters behind their names. They have excellent earning potential. But I’m not interested in that. Or should I say, in all honesty, I’ll put those things on the back burner for physical attraction. So I don’t feel like what I’m looking for is in great supply. It’s all a matter of perception.

      The same goes for women. There are tons of “quality” guys out there (whatever that means), but it’s harder, I think, for women (even attractive ones) to find a suitable partner because they demand so many things. If I find a black woman who meets the requisite level of physical attractiveness and she’s cool (and not crazy), I’m good. It’s time to hang the sneakers up. An attractive woman, on the other hand, might meet a guy who’s wealthy and cool, but throw him back because he’s not cute enough. Or she might meet a guy who’s cute and rich, but throw him back because he doesn’t have enough “swagger.” The pickings are so slim in a woman’s mind because she wants so many damn things. I couldn’t imagine passing over a girl who’s an 8/8.5 because she doesn’t have the right job or doesn’t possess the intangible “swagger.” It’s tough for a guy to go to Harvard, collects lots of bank, and have game like Cyrando de Bergerac. Something’s gotta give. That’s why, in my opinion, women always complain about the lack of options. There are about 50 men in the DC metro who possess all of those attributes (and women chase them like hell).

  14. Chris says:

    Not directly related to this note, but I’ll just make some general comments about BSR’s posts while watching NFL pre-games.

    There are 3 I thought were very insightful and funny as hell: the narcissism post, the too the grade inflation post, and the too many options post. For black people, the first two are most relevant.

    When it comes to Black men: We feel ourselves way too much. Finishing high school, going to college, not having kids out of wedlock, and getting a good job is not exceptional. That’s some shit you are supposed to do. White guys don’t feel entitled to any special treatment if they have the same things going on. Let a black man get an Ivy League education, a six-figure job, and not be ugly…he feels he’s entitled to nothing outside of the realm of Alicia Keys and Paula Patton. And that professional black man doesn’t want Alicia Keys OR Paula Patton. He wants Alicia Keys AND Paula Patton.

    Most black men, not all, want to believe they’re on some real playa shit. I would say that most of my white friends would not classify themselves as players, would never claim that they ever were players (even if they were/are), and most would probably even confess that they’re not particularly skilled with the opposite sex. That’s a nearly impossible confession to get out of a black man. Even on this blog, I’ve read comments like “Back when I was younger during my player days…” I don’t know what it is about black men and our player obsession. And it’s not like it applies exclusively to “successful” men. EVERY black man feels he has a God-given right to holla at any woman of his choosing. She’s a partner at the law firm and attractive. You work in the mail room and you’re 5’5. “Ay, ay, let me holla atcha.” I feel like white guys who work in HVAC kinda know their place. They’ll probably say “Wow, she’s hot, neat, and successful. What would she ever want with a guy like me? No chance, man, no way.” Tyrone on the other hand: “Ay, ay girl, let me holla atcha.” Things like looks, wealth, status, and success will never put a dent in a black man’s game. Just my opinion…lol.

    For black women: I think black men kinda get what we put out when it comes to black women. We want black women to be nice and open, but we approach them on a daily basis, sometimes in a rude and disrespectful manner. I could be wrong, but I don’t think white women, even the cute ones, have to put up with the constant harassment that black women do. Because black women are constantly harassed by primarily black men, they come off as a bit more coy, guarded, closed than women of other races.

    However, many black women also have massive egos (partly because they get hit on so much). I think Jay-Z said it best in Big Pimpin: “Just cuz you got good hair, you think I’m gonna break bread, so you can be livin’ it up?” Give a black woman some long hair and a decent job and she doesn’t want just a quality man. She wants the TOP man. She’ll pass over a lot of attractive, quality guys in the quest for the ideal that either (1) doesn’t exist or (2) does exist but can’t be attained because she’s not as tight as she thinks she is. And I honestly don’t know if I can blame her? If most black men approach you with their d*** in hand, and many of them are prone to cheat on you anyway, why not hold out for the best you can find? I don’t know. In my experience though, I’ve found that an Indian, Filipino, or whatever who’s a 7.5/8 in my book is a lot more humble than a black woman of equal attractiveness. This is based only on my experience….not gospel truth.

    So I think ego is definitelty a huge problem. The people who have a lot of chips to play with don’t always spend them wisely. That’s why I think you see all of these 40 year old, professional black men and these 30 something, very attractive black women. They just don’t know when to cash in and call it quits for the night. I think other races may have a better sense of how to assess their value, the odds, and the time to call it quits. Personally, I think I have a lot of chips, and I’d rather cash in and make ONE solid investment than waste them all way playing the slot machines.

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