Shots fired: The Skipgate turns into Whitewomangate!

Baby, you marry me, and I could be the chair of the African American Studies Program

Awesomeness courtesy of Fuhbuhduh. The names have been changes to protect the innocent.

T-bubbles has noticed many black women zealously supporting Gates and
finds it dreadfully painful that this man, this scholar of all things
African American, could not manage to find love with a black woman.
Although I will continue to defend the black man’s freedoms because my
love for the black man is as natural as breathing, I can’t help but
wonder…who will come to the aid of the black woman?

Yesterday at 7:41pm · Comment · LikeUnlike
You, (AG) and 2 others like this.
(AG) and 2 others like this.

(AG)
I wish I could like this multiple times, or possibly even love it. May
this serve as a powerful message to all of the lost HLS black men who
shall remain nameless.
Yesterday at 7:44pm

(B-Eazy)
Thanks! Will let you all know when I’m found. Can’t speak for the rest
of the lost HLS black men. You can name us. I don’t hide. But rest
assured. My mother is a black woman. My grandmother is a black woman.
My daughters, will be black women (even if mixed). Who will come to
their aid? The same lost black men you demean today. who will come to
your… Read More daughters aid? To your aid? This lost black man
will. Because I am proud to be black, and I will always fight
tirelessly against racism and division. I thank you, (T-Bubbles), for your
support of Professor Gates despite his choice of spouse.
Yesterday at 8:10pm

(J-Beezy)
Can’t help who you love. Works out that way whether the consequences
are good, bad, or benign.
Yesterday at 8:32pm

(T-dub)
the devil
Yesterday at 8:43pm

(Richy Rich)
What B-Eazy said
Yesterday at 8:44pm

(B-Eazy)
Unreal. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think certain people thought
the injustice here was who he happened to fall in love with, rather
than the fact that this man was profiled, harassed, and humiliated in
his own house because he was black. That is what happened here. That
is the injustice. White wife, black wife, asian wife, hispanic wife,
save it for another day. Is it really less of an outrage
because his wife isn’t black? Professor Gates is an accomplished black
man who was subjected to horrible, racist treatment by the cops who
have sworn to protect him as a citizen of cambridge. I would plead
with the educated to focus on the true issue here. Direct this hatred
and disgust toward the treatment of this black man, not his personal
life choices.
Yesterday at 9:28pm

(Chuck)
It’s just kind of odd though, to be presented as such an accomplished
man, in a field that he studies and loves, but is not reflected in his
personal life.
Yesterday at 9:31pm

(T-Bubbles)
B-Eazy, I feel neither hatred nor disgust towards black men. I love
you guys and I feel the full weight of the injustice that was done by
the Cambridge police. But at the same time, some days it is painful to
be a black woman and to feel like we’re nobody’s treasure, nobody’s
dream. My comments come from a place of pain and not anger.
Yesterday at 9:37pm

(AG)
I, Chuck, do find that particularly odd. However, I, like (T-Bubbles),
also support Dr. Gates in his mission to protest against unwarranted
arrests regardless of his choice of spouse.

Furthermore, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the black men of HLS
but a statement similar to that put forth by Mr. Eazy and
co-signed by Mr. Richy Rich My daughters and I would
perish waiting for a so-called “educated” black man to “come to our
aid” in any capacity. Clearly you are very proud to be a black man
which, I suppose, is why you have opted to date a woman who is not a
reflection of yourself. Actions speak louder than words. While you
proclaim that you are proud and that you would come to the aid of a
black woman, isn’t it odd that, although many of us walk the campus of
HLS, beautiful and educated in all our glory, you found none of us
suitable as a partner with whom you could share your heart, your mind,
your body, your soul. Amazing.
Yesterday at 9:38pm

(AG)
J-Beezy– you make a good point when you say that you can not help who you
love. I agree entirely, but, as the saying goes- “Just because I love
you- and you love me- that doesn’t mean we’re meant to be.” I believe
that, when it comes to finding a life partner, too much emphasis is
placed on “love.” The most successful relationships are based on a …
combination of love and practical decision-making. The
preservation of one’s culture and the strenghtening of one’s racial
and ethnic community is a factor that I, for one, think is worth
considering when selecting a spouse.
Yesterday at 9:40pm

(B-Eazy)
I truly do hope that you, Miss (AG), find not only the black man you
seek, but find someone who matches the hatred you have in your heart.
Date a woman who is not a reflection of myself? I guess I could not
date someone like you. I personally pride myself in not being a
racist, not being a bigot, and not being militant. White or black, I’m
not down… Read More with that. Tell me, since you are so willing to
attack me and those like me, are you actually trying to date me? Marry
me? If not, then what gives you the right to attack me? Share my
heart, body, mind, and soul? With a bigot?

T-Bubbles, I feel you. And I appreciate and with all my heart I am sorry
for your pain and will pray for your healing and for the man that will
come and sweep you off your feet and treat you like you should be
treated. Some of you question my commitment to the advancement of my
race, go ahead. Whether you like it or not, I stand on your side. You
can spit in my face, but I will reach out my hand to help in a minute.
Yesterday at 9:48pm

(B-Eazy)
I do not pretend to know what its like to be a black woman today. That
is why I would love to sit down with you T-bubbles and have a respectful,
reasonable conversation so that we may learn from each other. That in
my daily life I may have a greater understanding of where you are
coming from and how I can help, despite apparently being a man who has
shamed his people.

However, others must understand that hate gets you nowhere, regardless
the color of your skin. I choose not to think that one, two, ten, or
100 blacks can speak for the entire race. However, I will not stand
for wrong despite nasty comments. Wrong is wrong. God made us all in
his image. Man created “race”. We are all beautiful. Every last one of
us. Some people should do good to remember that.

But as for you T-Bubbles, thank you for your clarification, and I see
what you mean now and I look forward to talking with you whenever
you’d like. We are both god’s children, we are both proud,
accomplished african-americans. I choose
Yesterday at 9:53pm

(B-Eazy)
To believe we all have more in common than not, and our destinies too
intertwined to pick at each other. Best, B-Eazy
Yesterday at 9:54pm

(AG)
First, I am not a racist or a bigot, and I have absolutely no hatred
in my heart. There is no room for hatred in my heart, as it is
overflowing with disappointment. I responded to your comment, which
was clearly directed at my statement that men such as yourself are
lost. Clearly you are angry at me for pointing out something of which
you should have already been aware. Furthermore, I am not
trying to date you, marry you- but even if I was, any attempt to do so
would have been futile, as you have clearly indicated your preference,
as evidenced by your facebook picture. How sweet.

I am a strong, educated, FEARLESS black woman the likes of which, I am
sure, makes men such as yourself cringe. Don’t label me a racist
because my opinion is controversial. I have every right to express
myself and, as a woman seeking love and respect from a group of men
who she was raised to love and honor but who, apparently, are
incapable of reciprocating those sentiments, I have every right to be
angry.
Yesterday at 10:01pm

(Chuck)
I think we got off course – the point is the man in charge of African
American Studies department is a fake.
Yesterday at 10:01pm

(B-Eazy)
Clearly indicated my preference by putting a picture up of my
girlfriend and myself? Do you ever find it hard not to choke on your
bullshit? Me not being interested in people like you has nothing to do
with the outside. It’s about the inside.

You make me cringe? Ms. AG, you can’t even make me blink. I do not
know why I waste my time even responding to your slander. I’m a
strong, educated FEARLESS black man, the likes of which you were
apparently raised to love. If you must blame someone, blame my STRONG,
EDUCATED, FEARLESS BLACK MOTHER who raised me to love, period and seek
to do the greatest possible good, regardless who I end up with.

I’m labeling you a racist because you are spewing racist crap
everywhere. You do have every right to express yourself. But I have
every right to defend MYSELF, and call you on it…. Read More

And apparently, you are labeling every single black man out there as
incapable of loving you because you are black? COME ON. Be angry. See
where it gets you.
Yesterday at 10:07pm

(AG)
Mr. Chuck clearly Mr. Eazy had something on his mind that has
been bothering him for quite sometime. Rather than handling the
situation like a man by sitting down and having a discussion with me,
he chose to remove me from his facebook friend list (yes. he did), and
hash out our differences via a mutual friend’s facebook status. I’m
just glad T-Bubbles could provide a forum for him to express himself.
Hopefully he feels better now.
Yesterday at 10:07pm

(AG)
Mr.Eazy, I have no doubt that you and I will find ourselves at
the same ultimate destination- in the loving arms of a caucasian
spouse. I enjoyed our discussion. Good night.
Yesterday at 10:09pm

(B-Eazy)
“I wish I could like this multiple times, or possibly even love it.
May this serve as a powerful message to all of the lost HLS black men
who shall remain nameless.”-AG.

First comment in response to T-Bubbles’s post. It’s not me that has had
anything bothering me. Not me that needed a forum. It was you. Not me
that first called anyone out. That was you.

Be a man and sit down? You are out of your mind. What, you want to get
coffee in a few weeks with me? That’s what you wanna do? Don’t worry,
I’ll get it black. … Read More

De-friend you? Why the hell am I gonna be fbook friends with someone
who hates what I do with my life? My bad if i got sick of your racist
statuses.

There’s no hashing out these differences. I just hope every non-black
person you actually are friends with sees the stuff you are spewing
here tonight. And I hope you don’t plan on keeping those friends much
longer.
Yesterday at 10:12pm

(AG)
First, I have no friends- only acquaintances sir. Second, anyone who
is so closed-minded and afraid to hear a somewhat controversial
opinion and who has not learned through personal interaction that I am
absolutely, positively NOT a racist can cease to be friends with me if
they so choose. Quite frankly- I don’t need ’em.

You are lost, and it’s so sad. But you are who you are. And who you
are is somebody I do not wish to know.
Yesterday at 10:18pm

(B-Eazy)
Get over yourself. I know my life is ending tonight that Ms. A “I
have no friends-only acquaintances” G does not wish to know me. I
appreciate your pity, and wish I could reciprocate. All I can do from
my pit of despair however, is laugh at the ridiculousness. Happy
hating, ms. G.
Yesterday at 10:20pm

(AG)
Thank you- not only for wishing me well, but for showing that, when
all else fails, you result to labeling what you are too simple to
understand as “ridiculous.” Mr. Yale. Mr. Harvard Law. Pay close
attention America- this is the educated black man.

Good night. Again.
Yesterday at 10:24pm

(B-Eazy)
You know me, simple country boy with no education and no sense. Can’t
even put sentences together.

Do pay close attention, America. I guarantee you are all paying such
close attention to the thoughts of Ms. (AG) on facebook.

You demean what you claim to love, the “educated black man”. You have
a really funny way of showing it.

Goodnight!
Yesterday at 10:27pm

(Bobby Knuckles)
wow, just seeing all of this. what a monumental waste of time.
B-Eazy, remember what jay-z said about arguing with fools? don’t
waste anymore time on this, my man.
Yesterday at 10:40pm

(Chuck)
This kind of hit the fan, I feel like Gates isn’t going to be the only
drama up at Harvard this year!
Yesterday at 10:41pm

(AG)
Mr. Knuckles- do you remember what whoever raised you said about minding
your business and not judging people, especially those who you do not
know?

My man.
Yesterday at 10:49pm

(Bobby Knuckles)
you can call me bobby, and i was raised by wolves. i’ll give you the
cold honest truth here: you haven’t found love with a black man, not
because there’s a mass conspiracy orchestrated by the christina
aguileras of the world, but because you’re appearing to be a miserable
person and bitter as shit. try a little introspection before you point
all these fingers.
Yesterday at 11:01pm

(AG)
See, Bobby, IF you knew me (hint hint), you would know that all this
“bitter and miserable as shit”-ness that I exhibit is the RESULT OF,
rather than the cause of, how I and many other similarly situated
black women have been treated by black men.

Now, as I did Mr. Eazy, I will wish you a good night.
Yesterday at 11:08pm

(J-Beezy)
(AG), on your comments about love not being enough to sustain a
relationship with a life partner, you have the research on your side,
according to something interesting I read from Reuters the other day:
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSSP483675. “In love?
It’s not enough to keep a marriage, study finds”
11 hours ago

(B-Eazy)
This link says nothing about race. Love may not be enough, but neither
is race. I agree with Ms. AG that love may not always be enough.
But I disagree with any implication that race is.
12 minutes ago

(J-Beezy)
I didn’t imply that race was enough. Or at least, I didn’t mean to
imply that. Wasn’t my intention. I only intended to respond to
AG‘s comment to me: “I believe that, when it comes to finding a
life partner, too much emphasis is placed on ‘love.'” I happened to
read that article the other day, and I thought it was relevant to the
point she was making. I brought it up because, as
something of a romantic, I would’ve been more inclined to debate the
point about whether love is enough (and argued in favor of love often
being enough) if I had not recently read about that study. That’s the
only reason I posted it. I thought it fit into this conversation’s
subplot about what makes a good relationship, but I wasn’t suggesting
that I was gung-ho behind any of the factors mentioned in the study as
the key to successful relationships. Merely agreeing with AG that
it seems love is not always enough to make a relationship last. I
think that means I agree with you on that point too, B-EAzy.
6 minutes ago

B-Eazy
Ok, thanks for the clarification, J-Beezy. I do think that the article is
compelling and what we see in the movies and hear in the radio makes
us believe something that unfortunately probably isn’t true. In the
context of the previous conversation, I thought you meant to imply
other things. Thanks for the follow up. Good post. Solid article.

So…. Good and heated, just the way I like my interracial dating convos. What do y’all think? Is B-Eazy a self-hating sellout? And by that justification is Skip Gates too? Are these guys the reason the educated AG’s of the world can’t find love? Or is AG’s chip on her shoulder her own worst enemy? (From my perspective, I do think the “I have no friends, only acquaintances” comment speaks volumes about an inability to form close relationships) Does IR dating really get people that upset? Why? And what about the double standard when black women date white guys? I mean half the time I post anything about relationship difficulties, at least a couple black women make it known that they have options outside the race. And everyone seems cool with that. Discuss

But would we get anywhere near as upset about this?

You are Intimidated, We’re not bitches, it’s just that….

mmmmhhh. chocolate

Jessica White makes me all shy and stuttery

So I got a comment on one of my recent blog posts (scroll down) and it was so bloody long, I decided to make it its own post. I think the commentor brought up some interesting points, so I though it would be fun to let it stand on its own and see what you guys think. I was going to write comment response but there’s a lot in here. I really think some of the thought process in here is super interesting and I don’t think the commentor is alone. I’m guessing a lot of people have these opinions.  Happy 4th!

Brandon,

What an interesting post. I both agree and disagree with varying points throughout your post (as well as the comments). I have an undergraduate degree in Economics from a top-ten institution. I. Am. Beautiful. And I am currently pursuing my Phd.

I must admit that miss “Single Black Woman’s” scenario has been my own on far too many occasions. I tell a guy I am working towards my Phd and he says “wow, that’s cool” and doesn’t seem interested any more. I have no clue why, and I choose not to concern myself with this question as it doesn’t concern me. I also, however, agree with “Miko” when he states that the laws of attraction (if they exist!) are far more nuanced and complex than we can possibly imagine.

Discussing my own situation (about which I am eternally positive) is not why I am responding to your post. I chose to write back because of the following words that arrested my attention:

“how people react to you is in direct proportion to how you make them feel. When you make them feel good about you and themselves, they will respond positively to you.”

I will give you credit for stating at the end that your advice can be applied to all genders. I find your advice curious though for a several of reasons. Your entire post is not directed at both genders. It is aimed directly towards women (I will presume women of African descent). This robs those words at the end of your post of their meaning. I also find these words to be inherently contradictory, as the title of this post reads:

“It’s not that we’re intimidated, You’re just a bitch”

I understand that this is a blog and where you have to balance several (perhaps competing goals). Your apparent ease with labeling women with this awful and derogatory term would suggest that men in fact, do not have to follow this advice of emanating positivity and “making the other person feel good about themselves.” At the very least, you do not have to follow this advice.

Response: The post was really directed towards women because they’re the ones who have complained to me (or generally) that one of the hindrances towards their relationship successes is men being intimidated by them. The day a critical mass of black men tell me the same thing, I’ll write a blog about that. Awful and Derogatory, Schmawful and Shwerogatory. I personally think women have kind of hijacked the word bitch to make it much more onerous than it is. it becomes this symbol of righteous indignation. It certainly wasn’t directed at a singular person, and I wouldn’t call someone a bitch directly. Most people who try to take super offense to that term are just looking for something to be offended by so they can get their righteous indignation meter rising (See Sean Hannity). I was originally going to go with douchebag, but it just didn’t have the right ring to it.

This brings me to my third and final point and I will phrase it in the interrogative. First, it is worth teasing out some of the advice you give. You recommend that these high-achieving, (implicitly) cold and bitchy women put forth more positivity and make men feel good about themselves. And the way you put both of these in the same sentence almost conflates the two, as if they were one and the same. Yet, They are not (although they can be done simultaneously).

That went over my head. I’m gonna need one of my Ph.D friends to put that in laymen’s terms for me. Miko, where you at?

This is not, however, my point. What I wish to know is: Why should a woman need to make a man feel good about himself”? More to the point, Why should a woman who is unacquainted with a certain male individual need to make him feel good about himself? It seems to me that support is something available to give and receive once two people know a few things about each and actually have a relationship. And this does not have to be official as two people who are only distant acquaintances can still be supportive of each other.

Um, because she doesn’t want to grow old alone with a whole bunch of cats? To me, this seems like simple common sense. When I meet people, I try to make them feel good about our interaction, particularly if it’s someone I want to build a relationship with (friend, business, networking, whatever).You phrase it as though I expect the woman to throw rose petals at dude’s feet and clean the royal penis. I think it’s fairly clear that what I’m saying is simply that people respond positively to kindness and friendliness. This may be news to you, but you’re never going to get the chance to have the support in a coupling/partnership you talk about if people’s first impression of you is that you’re mean and unfriendly.

In the situation you address, where two people meet each other for the first time, you seem to suggest that the woman at the outset of the interaction make the man feel good about himself. This firmly supports an unequal balance of power as your post says nothing substantive of the male individual returning this gesture (which, is a bit much to ask during a first conversation). Yet, You insist on this point 3 times during your post.

By emphasizing this point, and implying that professional, educated women are negative, cold “bitches”, you perpetuate the power dynamics and backwards, chauvinist, sexist systems of interaction that so many women have worked diligently to reverse.

Cry me a river, why don’t you. Seriously? You not being disrespectful, entitled, or cold puts us on the path toward the revocation of women’s suffrage? As far as the male “returning the gesture,” it’s implicit that by him opening the conversation or approaching the woman, he’s being open and friendly with her. Granted, we all know this isn’t always the case, but for the sake of this conversation, we’re not talk about arm-grabbing guy in the club with the velour tracksuit and dress shoes.

No woman, or human being, for that matter, exists to make a male, “feel good about himself”. If we are partner’s/couple, and there is a relationship, this is perhaps both implied and expected.

In my opinion, a woman should scowl from time to time. My question to you is, why is it that if she scowls or if she is upset, she is a bitch? Could it be that she had a hard day at work? Could it be that her male boss made an inappropriate advance? In my opinion, entitlement (can) and should be used. It is a strategy for making it in a world where we were not meant to survive any way. (That goes for men of color too). And I do not advise taking that armor off. Because I cannot go into my place of work without SOMEONE looking at me as though I do not belong there. I cannot turn on the television without having a stereotype of my own body looking back at me. As I said before, we were not meant to survive. Excuse my platitudes, but life is full of ups and downs and no one can exude a relentless positivity at all times. And you know as well as I do that everyone tries to put on their best when they go out. And Trust, women as know what they want, and they will let go of the armor for the right guy!

Curses! By the Gods of Saturn, This Armor won't let the love in!

By failing addressing to dysfunctional histories of relationship dynamics between men and women of color, (which would take into account a host of other social and economic factors) you miss many components of the difficulties faced by BOTH parties. Most importantly, FAILING (completely) to address the racisms and other obstacles that both men and women of color face on a daily basis as they rise is unacceptable.

Oy. This goes back to my point of why Africans and Carribean folk do better than us. They’re out there getting it while we constantly look for obstacles. “Not meant to survive?” Give me a break. That may be true for you, but I wasn’t meant to survive, I was meant to thrive. I play to win. I’m here to raise the champagne bottle on the podium. I grin when I fight. Are there going to be people in my way? Of course. We live in a capitalist society. We’re ALL competing for limited resources. My competitiors can and will use race, class, and every other trick in the book to get what we both want, but I would be a fool to let that paralyze me into inaction or hiding in my armor. The thing about armor is that when you have too much on, it gets so heavy that you can’t swing your sword. Entitlement as a strategy? Word? Let me know how that works out for you. As far as the “dysfunctional history of relationship dynamics between men and women of color,” how does that macro view affect your micro world? Are you seeking to repeat history or are you going to blaze a new, more productive trail?

I .Will. Not. Lose. Ever! Fuckers!

While I applaud the spirit of your post, I believe that there are many women who would disagree with both your analysis of the situation (woman as bitch, ready to fight a way) and your recommendations.

Ph.D Bound

Thanks for your timely and interesting commentary. I disagree with you on about everything, but I think your voice is an important one in this discussion and I imagine many people share your view.

It’s not that we’re intimidated, You’re just a bitch

Kneel before my fabulousness, swine!

Ask any single educated black woman who wants to be unsingle, and there’s a 50% chance (unscientific) she will say the following:

“Men are intimidated by me.”

She could be five foot even or six foot twelve, 90 pounds or three hundred, but chances are good you’ll hear some variation of this trend as reason why guys are

1. Not hollering at her

2. Not staying in a relationship with her.

This gets particularly touchy as you go up the professional and educational ladder. I’d venture by the time you hit 120k/yr. or a JD, the number in my first claim goes from 50% to say, 85%. Hate to bust your bubble, ladies, we’re not intimidated by about 90% of you.

Halle Berry, Oscar winning actress, millionaire, consistently voted one of the world’s mot beautiful people; maybe a little intimidated at stepping to you.

Beyonce, million selling artist, workaholic, wife of millionaire former crack dealer who stabbed a man in a nightclub; perhaps we feel like we should get our weight up before taking a run at wresting you away from the jiggaman.

Average looking late 20’s to early 30’s mid career professional with a Master’s degree from a top ten school; enh, not so much.

See, here’s the thing. Men are typically attracted to beauty, will pursue positivity, and will keep a partner. It’s really that simple. Next time you’re in a social setting, take a look around. You’ll see all the guys checking out the hottest women at the place. But you won’t necessarily see these women have the most conversations. You’ll see the women who are laughing, smiling, and flirting doing that. And the women who are holding hands with their Sig O? They’re usually the ones that have held their dudes down.

So maybe your ravishing beauty is what’s keeping guys away. You’re so good looking that men just feel you’re out of their league. You must be able to do so much better than them, so why bother even trying? Wrong. After a couple of Hennessy and Cokes, most guys don’t have a single inhibition at macking to the best looking girl in the world. When I was sixteen, I went hard at Idalis in LA. Sober. And this was back when she was hot. Like on MTV err’ day lookin’ right hot.

"Ey guhl! What yo' name iuh?"

And I was getting ready to be a junior in high school. I didn’t have a drivers’ license for fuck’s sake. But I wasn’t intimidated in the least. Because she was really friendly and sweet. This might have also been because I was somewhat non-threatening being all underage and shit, but at the end of the day, how people react to you is in direct proportion to how you make them feel. When you make them feel good about you and themselves, they will respond positively to you.

You see, the reason people don’t respond positively to you isn’t because they’re intimidated by you. It’s because your bearing, your disposition, or your conversation doesn’t make us feel good. Simple as that. Now, I know you want to believe that it’s your job that has us shook. Or your impressive array of degrees. but these don’t really turn off most dudes. What does turn us off is when you use these admirable achievements to puff yourself up or to try to raise yourself above others because of them. No one likes feeling that someone else is looking down on them. This is especially true when it comes to education and career. People are invested in these aspects of their life, both timewise and emotionally. If you spend 50 hours a week at your job and at least four years at a particular school, you’re not really going to take kindly to someone putting themselves on a pedestal because the school they went to or the company they work for is arguably superior to yours. So if you think your problem is that you intimidate men, it’s probably not. It’s that you don’t make men feel good. Some tips:

1. Check the mirror: Ask yourself seriously whether or not you make others feel good? Do you give off a positive vibe? Are you supportive of people? If not, well, hey, you get back what you put out.

2. Pride goeth before the fall: Yes, you should be proud of your accomplishments. They’re great. But no one needs endless repetition of how great you are because you do xxxx or went to xxxx. You don’t need to constantly prove that you’re worthy because of these things and when you do, you come off as an insecure douchebag. They’re not the bellweather of who you are. That Stanford degree won’t cook a steak or suck a good dick or give a fine backrub after a tough day.

3. Drive slow, homey: I have a friend who’s finishing up a residency at Harvard Medical. She calls her school the H-bomb because when a lot of guys hear that, they immediately think their resume isn’t up to snuff. I feel bad for her on one hand, but she also does a great job of not making it the focus of who she is. And as such, she’s able to de-escalate a lot of these potential issues because she doesn’t overplay the Harvard hand and she doesn’t lord it over anybody. If anything, she often makes fun of the arrogance of a lot of Harvard people. If she can be chill about her accomplishments, you with the Bachelor’s from the mid-pack state school? You really need to cool the fuck out.

4. Take the armor off: Look, it’s a cold world out there. Everyone knows it. You face rejection and unkindness every day. That’s no excuse to be a twat. Too many people (men and women) try to use very superficial things to give themselves self-confidence and make them feel better about their lives. Phrases like “I’m always in VIP,” “Oh, I don’t wait in lines to get in the club,” “Isn’t that last year’s model?” etc, are just some examples of douchey things people say to try to elevate their status and give themselves a level of protection against being thought of as less. Please quit.

5. Get off the entitlement train: Because you went to x, you deserve x. Because you work at x, you deserve x. Becuse you wear x, you deserve x. Enh. I said it before, I’ll say it again: Part of the problem is that people think you get what they deserve. You don’t. You get what you work, hustle, cheat, steal, and strong-arm for, and then you still usually have to rely on some luck to get it done. So yes, you’re good looking, went to a great school, and have a great job. That does not make you princess of the world, so expecting everyone to wait hand and foot on you because of your looks or pedigree isn’t going to get you a lot but looks of disgust from most people. Especially when you run into someone whose track record is tighter than yours (you will). Humility is really attractive.

Caveat: Most of this advice actually applies to both sexes. That means it’s unisex. Like cKOne or something. Y’all remember cKOne? That was the hot shit in like ’93

Not douchey!

Jee, she seems like she'd be nice to talk to

Damn you David Bowie!