Boxing yourself in/Thinking out of the Box

Tai-Tai

Boy, do I have one for you.

So I got a facebook update that one of the homegirls from college was featured on Essence.com in an article entitled “Why am I single.” While one, I always like to see the homies shine, I also thought it was a really well thought out conversation about some of the roadblocks that happen to very successful, ambitious black women, both those of their own making, and those out of their control. Read:

Reprinted from Essence Magazine

Tai Beauchamp has it all: looks, class and success. There’s just one thing missing. After a fast-tracked career as a top beauty editor and now working in philanthropy, she’s ready for love. The 31-year-old fashionista stepped outside of her comfort zone and gave dating on reality TV a try with the new show, “Holidate,” premiering on SoapNet July 29. The Spelman grad opens up with ESSENCE.com on the question she hears too often: “Why are you single?”‘

I’ve watched “Flavor of Love” and my first thought was there was no way I was going on TV to look for a man. Then I thought some more and figured it could be fun to do and worth a shot at meeting someone. I’m very private about my dating life, so dating in front of millions of strangers is a huge step.

I’m an example of a lot of my friends who are successful, attractive, spiritual but don’t have partners.

People ask me a lot why am I single. I even had a guy ask me that trying to get my number and that is not a pick up line. My uncle says, “Tai, you’re 31, when are you settling down?” And I respond I want it to be right, and I’m just now at a point where I am truly ready for it.

Sometimes as women we box ourselves in and aren’t open to new experiences, so we get the same results. I am an open person but I had never been on a blind date before this show. Now I tell people I’m open to meeting someone and feel free to pass along great guys.

This show also forced me to be present in the moment. As women of color especially we are taught to work so hard to get that corner office, which we do, sacrificing our relationships, friendships and other things we love. I take care of my grandmother and I have a busy lifestyle, like many women who are and don’t take time for ourselves. But being on a date, you have to be in the moment. The underlying message I learned is the power of now.

The other big lesson was the guy you think you want to be with may not come as you expect. We cheat ourselves when we aren’t open to the possibilities of him not being 6’6″. We have to be slightly open and put ourselves out there. You have to be open to packages. Whether its height, age or race, we have to be open. I’m 6’0″ and have dated a guy 5’6″. We stand to gain so much and lose less than we think.

I have a lot of friends who are married, yet all of my entrepreneurial friends are more likely to be single. When you are focused on business, it’s very difficult to put the same focus on your love life. I hope more women realize investing time in your love life is investing in you.

Yes, I’m single, but I could have easily been a married woman already. I was engaged to a wonderful guy who I am still friends with. Part of the reason I didn’t go through with it was I was young and not the person I am now. Life experiences shaped me to be who I am now and who I want to be for my partner. I tell younger friends who are around 25 to chill out and take their time. Enjoy learning things to bring to a relationship. I did that and now I will be the best wife and mother and I’m confident my guy is out there ready for me.

Catch Tai dating on “Holidate,” Wednesday, July 29, 10 P.M ET.

Let me preface the discussion by saying this: Tai is fly as a bald eagle with a jetpack. In Business Class on the Space Shuttle. I actually sort of had maybe a teeny like little crush on her in college, but that’s not neccesarily germane to this story. I think one of the really good points she brought up was:

1. The Tension on succeeding in Career vs. Relationships Tai’s resume puts most of ours to shame. And to build up that kind of expertise and success takes a lot of time and energy, which as anyone who’s ever worked a 70 hour week knows, usurps a lot of potential dating, meeting people, and social interacting time. It’s just what it is. I honestly do think this is even more difficult to navigate for women, because as men, we do most of the approaching. So if we know we only have a couple hours out of the week to socialize and meet people, we’re likely to cut straight to the chase and go about the busines of meeting women on the rare opportunities we have to go out. As a woman, you’re kind of at the mercy of whether men are approaching you in that limited time. It’s also a lot easier for us because when women hear the term CEO associated with our name, it’s an automatic bonus point. With women, I don’t think it’s that cut and dried. I know I go on and on about how men aren’t really intimidated by women, but I do that partly to bust y’all’s balls. I’m aware of the shades of gray and understand that especially for a man that’s either not a CEO or not a CEO yet, the automatic assumption may be that “she’s out of my league.” Especially if you’re in the same industry. So when she says that “making an investment in your relationships is making an investment in yourself,” I think that’s a valuable piece of advice.

2. Painting yourself in a corner I remember a friend of mine once asked me if I dug girls with natural hair. I told her yes. I was surprised that her reaction was almost shock. She seemed genuinely surprised. While I know people who will only date girls with that silky Yaki or who will eschew any woman with a perm, I think one of the great things about black beauty is that comes in so many varieties. I’ve dated girls from 4’11” to girls a couple hairs taller than me, from “could pass for Italian” to undeniably West African, and literally bald to hair cascading down their back. I think all of them are  gorgeous. But a lot of people don’t think that way. We create this set of attributes that we describe as our type, and if someone doesn’t meet that, well, throw em back in the river. Women are particularly guilty of “living by the list.” Get mad if you like, but you know it’s true. We had a good convo on Belle’s blog a couple months back about a girl who had all these rules for meeting men. Wouldn’t date one she met one in a nightclub, wouldn’t date someone who didn’t know someone she knew, wouldn’t yada yada yada. She was like a modern Republican: the Party of No. (She’s since changed her tune) So I think it’s a good piece of advice, especially coming from someone who doesn’t neccesarily have to (read is really good looking), to broaden your horizons.

Check the show out, and support the homey.

Stunt or not pt. 1

So what’s hot in the streets these last few days has been the Root Article about “What Single Black Women can learn from Michelle Obama”. If you were living under a rock and haven’t read or at least heard of it, I’ll give you the cliff notes:

Black women are too picky and shallow and when they meet an otherwise good man they rule him out for the following reasons:

His toes were ashy.

He seems like he’d be a really cool friend, but I don’t know, those lips. . .

He was wearing a bubble coat, and seriously, it was not that cold.

We had a good conversation, but I like a man to be more aggressive.

That was our second and last date. He used the word “authentic” like 14 times.

How many times do I have to tell you I’m looking for someone TALL and HOT? Keywords being tall and hot.

He drank a hot chocolate instead of coffee. What is he? A 6’4’’12-year-old? (I’m putting myself out there—this was my own reaction to an otherwise pleasant date just a few years ago.)

Yeah, he was tall, but his head seemed a little small for his body.

It was loud in there, so I’m not sure. Did I detect a stutter?

Boy, was he sweating!

He seems like someone who would like Star Trek.

I don’t care if he can’t see. He should have left those glasses at the office.

He was dancing (or worse, trying) way too hard.

These are actual quotes from the article. My interpretation of the author’s point:

You dumb bitches need to smarten up and realize that you’re no prize pig yourself. It ain’t enough dudes to go around in the first place so quit handicapping yourself with your unrealistic expectations. We know your shallow ass woulda seen the hole in that dude’s floorboard and ran the other way, we know it! Now stop being so blinded by them flashing lights and give a brotha a chance!

At least that’s how I interpreted it. But as we all know, what makes internet reading so enjoyable is not the writing itself which tends to be the domain of frustrated wannabe authors who will never get a book deal and short-fingered vulgarians to0 untalented and ugly to get their own reality show (witness yours truly). It’s the commentary after that makes the read worth it. As of today, we’re up to probably about 30 pages of comments (real number: 17 or so because the Root refuses to fix the issue which makes comments appear in triplicate). The comments were all over the place, but had two enduring themes:

1. Black women be materialistic and shallow as hell and that’s why we run off with white women. Sincerely, Black Man.

2. I ain’t dating no dude from the mailroom! You ni**as need to get yo’ shit togther. Holla. Sincerely, Black Woman

Meanwhile, over on belle’s blog, there was a post about “Settling,” with about the same general results. So, just for argument’s sake, let’s assume that black women are magically more materialistic or status-obsessed than gen pop. Let’s further assume we’re talking specifically about professional black women between say 22 and 35 with college degrees. This is just for the sake of argument, of course. Try not to flood my comment box with accusations that I’m one of the people always puttig down black women.

So let’s say I’m who I am. I’m (newly) single and on the prowl for a woman. Wife, GF, fuckbuddy, whatever, let’s just assume I’m seeking female companionship and thus seek to make myself as attractive as possible to the opposite sex.

Should I stunt?

I mean, according to the commentary, what women want are tall guys with money and unashy feet. Since I don’t wear mandals, let’s just assume that by the time they find out my general level of foot ashiness, it’s too late and they’re already naked. And while Kareem Abdul Jabbar I’m not, I’m tall enough that it’s not a strike against me. Now, the money issue. I’m not really liquid because I’m in grad school, but if we assume I’ll either have the same earning power or more than I did before I went to school, then that puts me in the top 15% or so of households, and for single black males, probably in the top low single digits. So do I stunt? Mind you, stunting for this particular crowd is a little different than stunting for oh, say, Plies’ crowd:

On another note, Plies disgusts me. Because he went to college. I’ve heard him speak regularly and he sounds very intelligent. But he’s fallen into this ridiculous trap of hiding one’s education and accomplishments to live out some white suburban teen’s hood fantasy of what it means to be black. Fucking disgusting.

But I digress. The accoutrements of bougie stunting are a little different, but it’s stuntin nonetheless. No, you can’t do a diamond-studded Jacob the Jeweler but a nice clasic Rolex Oyster or Omega Seamaster will definitely get you noticed. The girls in the know can tell that Z Zegna super 150’s or Canali from that Men’s Wearhouse shit. And let’s face it, everyone likes a nice car. Will it be that ethnic stereotype candy Hummer on 28’s as seen above? No. But the RR Sport or full sized Range, any BMW with an M in front of a single digit, or an AMG something or other will still let em know what’s up. How bout, say, something like this:

For all you fellow Mercedes haters out there (so very bland), maybe even something along these lines:

Will I get a better class of woman if I say, save a little less, and splurge a little more? When I go out to nightclubs, which is rare these days, should I just go ahead and get bottle service? Is this the way toward a more fulfilling dating life? I mean, to hear the commentary, the answer does seem to be yes. And we’re not talking about raping the 401k here, just maybe not maxing out the contribution. I don’t know the answer. Seriously, I’m asking. Little help. I’m interested in hearing folks’ thoughts on this issue.

I have a theory on why black people are so obsessed with showing off their earning power. It’s lack of trust. We’ve seen so much flim-flam from each other that unless we see something with our own eyes, we don’t believe it. If a guy says to you that he does this, that, or the other, you’ve heard the same lie so many times that it takes the acoutrements of that profession for you to believe it. I think this is why dudes wear suits to the club on Saturday. Like seriously, dude, it’s Saturday. No one believes you just left the office at 11:30 on SATURDAY wearing a three piece suit and a perfectly knotted half-windsor tie. But the suit is kind of a way to prove who you say you are. It adds credibility to your story. The car adds credibility to your narrative that you’re a successful person. It goes with the image. I’m not going to get into the whole building wealth vs. consumerism macro argument, that’s a whole different blog. I’m just trying to really figure out if, given what a million people are saying is true in relation to how picky black women are and how much they focus on external indicators of success, I should show it a little more. Will that make my dating life better?

In part 2, I’ll tell you a little about what my theory is and gice you some history to back it up. Have a great weekend.

Faithfully Yours,

B St. R

PS: here’s one more piece of car porn. I would kill seven orphans for this car (I mean, not really, but you get the point). I heart Techart