The Mother Hen Commercial
“I’m in my Cool Whip, inside Jell-O”
Hop up out that pretty muthafucka, like ‘Hello’
‘Hello’
‘Hello, ladies, how you doooooin’
‘That n**** crazy girl, don’t say nothing to him'”
Ladies, how many times has some variation of this happened to you? You’re in a social setting, having a conversation with a gentleman. The conversation might be going somewhere. It might not. It might be too early to tell. But there’s at least the glimmering spark of potential.
And then it is dashed as your homegirl swoops in and announces that “she needs you” or “She has to tell you something privately” or “We’re leaving.” The aforementioned gentleman stands there shell shocked, like a 17 year old private whose Hummer was just hit by an IED. Yes, this is a problem for us as men, but oftentimes, it’s an even bigger problem for you as women. Your friend is actively limiting the number of men you can meet and hopefully, have some kind of fulfilling relationship with. Why in the freak would someone who calls you their friend do this to you, you ask? Simple:
1. They think they’re protecting you. They automatically assume that this guy is beneath you and you don’t want to talk to him. He’s too short, too fat, or she just seented him talking to another girl. He looks broke. His shoes weren’t Ferragamo. Yes, these women are your own female version of Captain Save-A-Ho and they’ll stop at nothing to protect you from the unwanted advances of some sorry brother. Or any brother, for that matter.
2. They’re jealous of the attention. This may be conscious or subconscious. Women constantly measure their worth and value against other women’s. So when a guy is talking to a woman that’s not them, she immediately wonders, “what’s wrong with me.” This may not be a guy they’re even remotely interested in, but they want this guy to still be attracted to them nonetheless. Some women tke great pride and joy in shooting men down. So when Rayfus is off chatting you up instead of her, that green eyed monster comes out hard. Especially since she wore the cute dress that makes her butt look big. Don’t let her be the one who thinks she’s the cutest girl in your crew. She’s definitely not having you steal her shine. Her coming over and interfering is often an attempt to put the attention back on her just as much as it is her being angry that you’re getting some holleration.
3. She doesn’t want to lose you. Women know that once you get in a relationship, all those girls’ nights out and 7 hour bitchfests about men come to an end. You have a tight little crew that has sooooooo much fun together. If one of you actually gets a dude, there’ll be no more time to wallow in the misery of man-bashing and cathartic shopping for slutty outfits to attract new men. Misery loves company, and if this guy actually does lock you down, that’s one less miserable bitch to share the sadness with.
4. She’d rather be right than happy. A lot of women haven’t had good luc in relationships. Rather through their faults or the faults of the guys they’ve dated, they’ve become pretty jaded about the whole thing. So if you can’t get any satisfaction from relationships with men, what’s the next best thing? Getting satisfaction from being wanted and then rejecting the suitor. I have a theory that this is one of the reasons some black women seem especially mean when they reject a dude’s advances. It’s not just a “sorry, but I’m taken” or a polite let-down, it’s a firm attemt to demean and dismiss someone else who’s shown interest. As such, I have seen a couple women get slapped in the club after getting particularly out of pocket. I certainly don’t condone ever using violence against women, but in both of these situations, I kinda saw the escalation on the woman’s part leading to something bad happening pretty quickly. It’s sort of like a high school bully way to get some self-confidence, and as shown before, it can have some seriously bad consequences.
So how do you go about stopping this behavior. Here’s a few tips for both the ladies and the guys
Ladies:
1. Talk to her about it privately. You’re friends, you shouldn’t have to pussyfoot around an issue that’s bothering you. And it’s just as likely as not that your friend doesn’t realize she’s doing something you don’t like. In all ll truth, if she’s a savior, she probably thinks she’s doing you a favor. If she’s an attention whore, she might think that you’ll just sit idly by and let her bully your suitors away. It might not be a pretty conversation but if you’re legit friends, it should be said.
2. Set expectations before you go out. Let your friends know: You’re going out tonight to have a good time. You’re an adult and you can handle yourself around men without a whole lot of interference. If necessary, come up with an “extraction flare”: a signal that yes, you really do need to be saved from Gold tooth Ronriguez with the Orange linen outfit in winter. Cut the ambiguity out of it. If you shoot the flare, your friends are allowed to swoop in like Blackhawk helicopters, lay down some cover fire, and get you back to base. if no signal, they waive off.
3. Solo missions. If you have a friend who’s an unbashed hater, go out with them, but strike off on your own at some point. You really don’t need to be under them ho’s for every second you’re at a party/event. No one’s going to get assraped if you just take a stroll around the club by yourself for ten minutes or so to check out the scene. Agree to meet back at the bar at whatever time or just send them a text when you want to get the posse back together.
4. Stand up for yourself. Samuel L. Jackson is not only one of my favorite actors, but I believe him to be wise and sage. So if you’re getting good conversation from a guy and Hatey McHaterson comes swooping in, TELL THAT BITCH TO BE COOL! You don’t need to cause a scene or get into it with your friend, just a “hold on a second” or “give me a minute” id fine. If she’s pressing the issue, understand that she’s disrespecting you and your conversation. Be firm, look her in the eye, and repeat that she needs to wait a minute. You’re her friend, not her lackey, and as such there needs to be a mutual respect there which she should understand.
Fellas:
1. A good wingman Contrary to popular opinion, a good wingman is usually less the high-flying fancy Top Gun F-22 type.
Ol' top gun ass wingman
You need a dirty, down in the mud, A-10 Warthog kinda dude.:
Die, Haters, Die!
Just a dude that will mix it up with anybody. It helps if he has either no pride or a bulletproof ego. He’ll take abuse and assault form the meanest, lowliest, trunk monkey and spit it right back to her. This gives you time to complete the mission while he keeps the hater insurgents at bay.
2. Tell that bitch to be cool. I wouldn’t necessarily use the phrase, “Bitch Be Cool,” but it’s perfectly alright to assert yourself and let hateful friend know that she’s interrupting YOUR conversation and you will not tolerate rudeness and disrespect. Women are amazingly compliant to men who demand respect in an authoratative but not belligerent manner. You’re not trying to start a fight in a public place, but it’s perfectly fine to request that you finish up your conversation, and then you all can go about your merry way.
3. Disqualify her. Sometimes you just have to let it go. And it’s perfectly fine to tell a woman that while you would be interested in her, you think her friends are boorish and disrespectfu and you’re not going to deal with that. And then bounce. The world is small. It’s not unlikely you’ll see this chick again and when you do, you’ll have set the expectation that you’re not gonna put up with any 8th grade bulshit.
Happy Macking!
The Bad Life 