Posts Tagged ‘douchery’

And so it was spaketh

And so it was spaketh

Dear middle class black brethren:

And by that, let me add upper class and working class aspiring to break into the middle. We need you, guys. By we, I mean the race. You are the key to figuring this thing out. Listen, we go hard at the women all day for their failings, their insecurities, their attitudes, etc. But let’s be clear, they’re actually doing alright. Statistically, they’re getting it in much harder than we are. Academically, professionally, financially. And that’s an embarrassment.

Ladies, if you’re reading, some of this may come off as mysogynistic and maybe a tad sexist. Log off now if you get easily offended or want to wave your woman flag. You’re welcome to get in this conversation, because you’re an important part of it, but it’s not really directed at you.

Without you succeeding and thriving, black guy, this whole wagon train doesn’t go anywhere. Kids don’t get raised as right as they should be, families can’t put together wealth like they should, and the yung’uns don’t have the big homies to look up to like they ought to. So in this series, we’re going to discuss a couple things I’ve been seeing and hearing out in the world, and we’re going to get back on track here. For a lot of you that read this, you’re already there, and this is remedial for you. Congratulations. Make sure you pull some other brother’s coat that needs some help.

This first issue is going to be really broad brush stuff, but I think it’s important. As the leaves begin to change color, and Saturdays are the province of college football, I think it’s a great time for renewal and re-dedication. With that said, here is manlaw for Fall 2009

See the ring. Its the ring of focus. Now kiss it.

See the ring. It's the ring of focus. Now kiss it.

1. Focus, dude. A lot of us spend a lot of time and money on very low-value activities. I’m as guilty as anyone. I ran some numbers the other day, and had I been more disciplined in how I managed my life, I would have had enough money to buy a used but well kept Ferrari cash. That’s a lot of dicked off money. And worse, we dick off a lot of time. Because we’re unfocused. We’re unsure of what we want and need a lot of the time so we default to the easy or the right in front of us or the socially accepted. What we all really need to do is take a little time figuring things out before we act. Look at the scenarios, run the sensitivity analysis, figure the variables. This can relate to anything. A lot of people I know have side hustles. Very few successful people I know have side hustles. What’s Mark Zuckerberg’s side hustle. Oh, wait, he was too busy turning Facebook into a media conglomerate to have one. You think Tim Tebow plays minor league baseball on the side? Fuck no. He’s focused. On winning that third championship. Meanwhile, you have a square job which you half-ass at, a non-profit you haven’t put any work into in two years, and you try to throw parties every now an again. Focus, man. Figure out what you can be great at or at least enjoy, and go balls to the wall on that. Once you have that straight, then you can start expanding. But splitting time just equals half-assing two things the majority of the time.

The same can be said of relationships. If you want to be in a relationship, focus on it. Make sure you have the right person, and if you’re meeting people, throw the wrong ones out. Dating is expensive, and if there’s no future to be had or you’re lukewar about it, let it go. Be ok with being the bad guy early, so you’re not Hitler later on. If you want to be pimping, pimp hard. don’t have a bunch of girls sucking up your time, money, and emotional energy up because they want to be in “relationettes” (blog coming soon).

This ni**a GETS chivalry

This ni**a GETS chivalry

2. Do Chivalry. There’s a lot of hemming and hawing on the blogs and around the bars about women not appreciating chivalry or wanting to be all independent and open their own door and shit. Or even mouthing off when chivalry is offered. Shut that shit down. Stop being all sensitive about whether you’re gonna get a thank you card or a smile. Chivalry is not about reciprocity, it’s about you as a man doing the things that are right. If she doesn’t appreciate it, that’s fine. Another one will. I walked my ex from a bar to a club a few blocks down the other week. Interrupted my delicious  beer and my conversation because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want her getting preyed on or whatever by drunken perverts. She’s my ex, so I wasn’t going to get any sex out of it (or was I?) but I would have felt like a douche if I just sat there and let her wander off into the night by herself.And trust me, when I came back, other women at the table noticed. And they approved.

Open the door for a woman and if she gives you some lip about “I can do that myself”, let her know that she’s the woman in this relationship and that you wear the pants. You’re gonna open the door because that’s what you’re gonna do. When a woman challenges your chivalry, she’s disrespecting you, and as a man its your job to put her ass in check. you’re doing the both of you a favor here by letting her know that it’s alright to accept kindness.

I run the show, woman.

I run the show, woman.

3. Stop letting these women run the show. A lot has been made about a woman “letting a man be a man.” Let’s end this all here. A man is a man or he ain’t. A woman can respect and appreciate him doing a man’s job or she can choose not to. But she doesn’t let him do shit. If you want to change your woman’s oil, change it. Don’t wait for her to start that yap about how she can go to Jiffy Lube herself. Take your dirty wifebeater and an oil pan and drive down to Jiffy Lube yourself and pretend that you did it.

(Everybody thinks changing oil is this cool manly thing to do yourself, but frankly, it’s really not. Unless you have an SUV sitting high, you’ll need a lift to get the car up, and then you’ll need to take the used motor oil, properly contained, to a service station or garage that can dispose of it without killing baby seals. It’s really not worth the hassle unless you already have the equipment.)

The same thing goes with other behavior. Men worry way too much about how women are going to perceive or react to something and thus change their behavior. Quit. Men lead, and women will choose. If you’re being or doing something that’s not your bag so a woman will choose you, she’s not really choosing you, she’s choosing your representative. that gets expensive in divorce court.

4. Remove basic bitches from your life. Seriously. Unfollow them on twitter, stop worrying about their whereabouts, and quit complaining about their basicness. They’re not your constituency until you make them such. A lot of basic bitches look really good. That’s why they’re so fucking basic, because you all keep allowing them to be by paying attention to them. if you stopped, they’d have to throw their basic ass tendencies away and focus on being a full, well-rounded responsible adult. But as long as you’re trying to pretend they’re not basic or overlooking their basicness, they’ll continue on being what they are.

This goes for the whole gold-diggery thing too. Listen, women like money. Stop crying about it. It’s a good thing. You can make more money. It’s not like looks or height, or talent, which you have or don’t have. Frankly, if women didn’t like money, you wouldn’t bother getting it. I mean, think about it, if you worked 70 hour dog ass weeks for years, got a penthouse and a Maserati, and could only pull the same women that Tyreefus from South Dakota Avenue could get, wouldn’t you be pissed? Thanks. If you’re on a budget, just quit taking HOES to expensive ass places. And don’t get mad if they choose a richer or trickier dude. Just charge it to the game and move on. and stop being a sponsor if you don’t want to be. If you’re trying to decide where to take a chick, imagine that the scenario ends up being that you guys decide you don’t want to go out anymore. Would you be upset about how much you spent? If yes, go somewhere cheaper.

5. Lose the extraness. Some of you ni**as done started acting like bitches. You dress like bitches, talk about bitch things, and are generally womanly in your handling of life. It’s called douchery. An intrinsic part of being a man means being comfortable with who you are, not trying to put on a masquerade for the world. That’s women’s business, because they’re judged so much by their appearance and other silly things. As a man, you WILL after all is said and done, be judged by your accomplishments. Have no doubt about this. People will not remember what club you bought out the bar at or what outfit you wore to the picnic. These may play some small part in a larger narrative, but in and of themselves, no one’s going to remember. So stop making a fucking spectacle of yourself. It’s unbecoming.

I want to be the black version of this guy

I want to be the black version of this guy

Look, you’re an educated, successful black male. You don’t have to do a lot to beat the curve as it is. So all the attention-whoring and self-aggrandizement just comes across as what it is: raging insecurity. The bow-ties, the ascots, the mohawks, yada ya, please, let them go. (If you’re a homosexual, this does not apply to you. You guys have a different set of standards, and since I don’t really know what’s appropriate for you guys, I’m not going to try and tel you what to do. Go gay marriage!) If you’re just naturally a creative or artsy person, that’s cool. The reason Prince gets away with looking like he does, is because that’s who he is. In his core. If tht’s you, do you. But when you’re doign all this to try to get people’s attention, it just comes off wack

6. Go to they gym. Not just to look buffer for women, but because you feel better. I’ve picked up about 10 lbs. of Muscle in grad school, and I physically feel great. It’s awesome. And it helps when you have to do manly things, like put up drywall or give tall girls piggyback rides. It’s awesome.

More later. Discuss

Morning, folks. If you want to know why I’ve been so inconsistent lately, it’s because I finished up my thesis last week, and now am moving, so I’ve been flipping between Boston, DC, and NYC. Also, I’m now a Master of Science, so I’m prepared to lord my education over everyone now. I’m going to start conversations with, “Well, as a Master of Science, ….” And I’m going to add it to the back of my name on my facebook profile. “You have received a friend request from Brandon St. Randy, M.S.” I may have my degree tattooed on my back, I’m not sure yet.

Im too sexy for myself, too sexy for my self, too sexy by farrrrr...

I'm too sexy for myself, too sexy for my self, too sexy by farrrrr...

In any case, we’ve been talking about marriage for a couple weeks or so now, but I want to get back into the single life, since that’s where I assume most of my readers live. I came across an interesting article in CNN the other day titled “Is narcissism keeping you single?” by Wendy Atterbery. I think it’s particularly appropriate to our little social group. As I’ve said before a million times, black Americans are the most narcissistic, self-aggrandizing people in the known world. Humility is just not one of our character flaws. Listen to our popular music. Every song on the radio contains some reference to the artist’s tightness, bankroll, sex game, or general grandiosity. Obviously, our long history of oppression and dehumanizing has something to do with this, as well as our legacy of shame about our entrenched poverty levels, but when they free Skip Gates, I’ll let him speak on that. And this celebrity obsession with letting everyone know how sweet you are has filtered down into the world of regular people. A snippet from the article:

Apparently, they’re all just a bunch of narcissists. In an article on The Daily Beast this week, writer Hannah Seligson, explores this theory, writing: “narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture.

Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives.

Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”

Sound like anyone you know? Franky, I blame social media. First Black Planet, then Myspace, then Facebook, and now Twitter has effectively turned everyone  on the plane into their own little reality show. These sites are no longer just mediums to keep up with friends and share pictures, they’re online advertising for “your personal brand.” The fact that you may not be selling anything tangible is irrelevant, you’re selling a dream. You’re selling a vision of yourself as attractive, successful, witty, fly, an e-gangster, whatever. The point being, you control your message. And in doing so, this gives people the opportunity to inflate those qualities that they think other people will respond to, and hide the fact that they live with their parents, have no job prospects, have halitosis, etc. At some point, I really think people start drinking their own kool-aid and start thinking that they are who they’ve invented themselves to be. VSB did a good post the other day on How to seem more important than you really are. It was in jest, of course, but there was definitely some truth to it.

The problem is, hile kool-aid may taste sweet, it rots your teeth and isn’t very satisfying. Man can’t live off kool-aid alone. He needs meat and potatoes. The funny thing about most self-aggrandizing peope is the plethora of problems they have in relationships. A lot of this is directly related to the fact that they’ve built up an idea of themselves that doesn’t square with the facts and other people realize this at some point. It also mans that since they think they’re so tight, their expectation is that their partner is going to be just as tight as they think they are. Since the partner has probably inflated their own GPA pretty significantly, both parties end up being frustrated because they feel like they were sold a bill of goods. It’s totally not conducive to creating a realistic lasting relationship.

So allow me to take you down a notch and let me give you some advice on how to have more meaningful relationships.

Title: Socialite/ Bottle Popping girl

Twitter About me: (Some city’s)’s 2nd Most Influential Young Socialite. Fashion Head. SNOB. (Some college) graduate. Hill Staffer. And I’ve lived in Monaco, yes, Monaco. How’s your life?

M.O. These girls (and actually the above was written by a guy) are people who have chosen to inflate their GPA’s via social status, usually related to nightlife or some tertiary connection to the entertainment industry. They usually pay a lot of attention to fashion and spend most of their discretionary income on clothes that will be out of style next month and drinking, preferably bottle service so everyone can see them. They say things like “Oh, I never wait in line,” “I’m always in VIP,” and “Every time I walk in the club, they get mad.” The problem is that as they’ve chosen to spend the majority of their efforts on extremely flighty, surface-oriented pursuits, they don’t really have anything to offer but what social status they have. So they naturally attract shallow, social climbing members of the opposite sex. And then complain about it.

The Solution: most people grow out of this shit naturally. To some degree, this is just an early-mid-twenties phase, and there’s nothing you can really do with people like this until they get tired of the thrill of being accepted by peope they don’t really know, or have finally proven to themselves that they’re worthy. As Real Housewives of Atlanta has shown us, some people just never learn.

Title: Model

Twitter About Me: NY/Atlanta/ATL/London (word? You have homes in 4 cities?)The baddest chick in the modeling game. Im Puerto Rican, Italian,French, Black & Jewish! (Anything but all black). There should be 2 of me :

M.O. These are just youngish (acting. Some of these broads are in reality a little long in the totth for this bullshit) chicks and dudes who typically have pretty mundane day jobs but use their ass and tits (or abs and arms) to inflate their GPA. The problem is, they typically get a lot of attention from dudes who really just want to bone ’em, and they think this attention should equare into success in their relationships. Of course it doesn’t, because not that many quality dudes want to wife a chick who sends out 15 twitpics a day of her oiled up in a bikini pushing her ta-tas together and licking her lips.

The Solution: Simple. Quit that shit. Everyone’s vain, and it’s nice to have pictures that represent your best features, but unless you’re a percent of a percent of women, you’re not going to be a successfu model. You’ll get a spread in Straight Stuntin’ magazine and a couple calls to do the next Lil Boosie video, but that’s about it. There’s really no money to be made in this particular field. So what you’r doing is driving off quality men or women in favor of people who just want to screw you. You can’t even be mad when that’s what happens, because that’s what you’re selling

Title: Mr./Mrs. Overeducated

Twitter About me: Blank. They joined but never followed up

M.O. This person believes that because of their stellar academic achievements, they are a catch. They went to xxxxx Law school, Business School, Ph.D program, you should not only respect their mind, you should want them, need them even. And not only that, but if you do want them, you’d better have gone to an equivalent or greater school if you want to get some of their time. Problem: This is important in the professional world. Doesn’t really impact personal chemistry that much. it can be impressive when you meet someone, but after that, you’re still the same person as the guy or girl who went to University of Phoenix. Me and my peoples were at Ozio one time and there was a table of really cute chicks sitting next to us. they were all kind of chilly toward us, until the girl said very proudly that she went to Harvard Law School. My boy at the time was at Georgetown Law, and as soon as they heard that and the fact that I knew a bunch of her classmates, the whole tone of the convo changed. At this point though, we were a bit turned off, so when they wanted to exchange info, we politely declined.

The Solution: Realize that no one cares that much. You should be proud of your educational achievements. But perspective, please.

Title: Brofessional

Twitter About me: Uh, I don’t do Twitter. I’m on Linkedin, thanks

M.O. These are the people that are their business card. The homey JAJ once told me about a friend of her friends who was the world’s biggest dick. When someone introduced themselves to him, he’d respond “first name, last name, Trader, Goldman Sachs.” Another female friend of mine met a guy once who when he found out she worked at JP Morgan spent the night discussing whether she worked “in a profit center or a cost center.” isten to Tyler Durden people: You are not your job. You are not your khakis.

The Solution: Bring it down.

Title: Boss Baller

Twitter About Me: I run (insert town here). We gittin’ dis money!

M.O. Do I even really have to describe this kind of fuckery?

The grand point about a this is that if you see yourself or your friends in the above descriptions, and are having difficulties forming legitimate bonds with people, take a step back. Sometimes the things we do to prove to others that we’re worthy of heir love and affection only make us look like dickheads. It’s not the end of the world. We can all embrace a little more humility, and take more time to learn about other people and share their joys and less time telling other people how great we are. we’ll all be happier for it. With that , I’ll leave you with a cautionary video of what to not be like: an Assclown

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Here’s the link to the CNN article

Kneel before my fabulousness, swine!

Kneel before my fabulousness, swine!

Ask any single educated black woman who wants to be unsingle, and there’s a 50% chance (unscientific) she will say the following:

“Men are intimidated by me.”

She could be five foot even or six foot twelve, 90 pounds or three hundred, but chances are good you’ll hear some variation of this trend as reason why guys are

1. Not hollering at her

2. Not staying in a relationship with her.

This gets particularly touchy as you go up the professional and educational ladder. I’d venture by the time you hit 120k/yr. or a JD, the number in my first claim goes from 50% to say, 85%. Hate to bust your bubble, ladies, we’re not intimidated by about 90% of you.

Halle Berry, Oscar winning actress, millionaire, consistently voted one of the world’s mot beautiful people; maybe a little intimidated at stepping to you.

Beyonce, million selling artist, workaholic, wife of millionaire former crack dealer who stabbed a man in a nightclub; perhaps we feel like we should get our weight up before taking a run at wresting you away from the jiggaman.

Average looking late 20’s to early 30’s mid career professional with a Master’s degree from a top ten school; enh, not so much.

See, here’s the thing. Men are typically attracted to beauty, will pursue positivity, and will keep a partner. It’s really that simple. Next time you’re in a social setting, take a look around. You’ll see all the guys checking out the hottest women at the place. But you won’t necessarily see these women have the most conversations. You’ll see the women who are laughing, smiling, and flirting doing that. And the women who are holding hands with their Sig O? They’re usually the ones that have held their dudes down.

So maybe your ravishing beauty is what’s keeping guys away. You’re so good looking that men just feel you’re out of their league. You must be able to do so much better than them, so why bother even trying? Wrong. After a couple of Hennessy and Cokes, most guys don’t have a single inhibition at macking to the best looking girl in the world. When I was sixteen, I went hard at Idalis in LA. Sober. And this was back when she was hot. Like on MTV err’ day lookin’ right hot.

Ey guhl! What yo name iuh?

"Ey guhl! What yo' name iuh?"

And I was getting ready to be a junior in high school. I didn’t have a drivers’ license for fuck’s sake. But I wasn’t intimidated in the least. Because she was really friendly and sweet. This might have also been because I was somewhat non-threatening being all underage and shit, but at the end of the day, how people react to you is in direct proportion to how you make them feel. When you make them feel good about you and themselves, they will respond positively to you.

You see, the reason people don’t respond positively to you isn’t because they’re intimidated by you. It’s because your bearing, your disposition, or your conversation doesn’t make us feel good. Simple as that. Now, I know you want to believe that it’s your job that has us shook. Or your impressive array of degrees. but these don’t really turn off most dudes. What does turn us off is when you use these admirable achievements to puff yourself up or to try to raise yourself above others because of them. No one likes feeling that someone else is looking down on them. This is especially true when it comes to education and career. People are invested in these aspects of their life, both timewise and emotionally. If you spend 50 hours a week at your job and at least four years at a particular school, you’re not really going to take kindly to someone putting themselves on a pedestal because the school they went to or the company they work for is arguably superior to yours. So if you think your problem is that you intimidate men, it’s probably not. It’s that you don’t make men feel good. Some tips:

1. Check the mirror: Ask yourself seriously whether or not you make others feel good? Do you give off a positive vibe? Are you supportive of people? If not, well, hey, you get back what you put out.

2. Pride goeth before the fall: Yes, you should be proud of your accomplishments. They’re great. But no one needs endless repetition of how great you are because you do xxxx or went to xxxx. You don’t need to constantly prove that you’re worthy because of these things and when you do, you come off as an insecure douchebag. They’re not the bellweather of who you are. That Stanford degree won’t cook a steak or suck a good dick or give a fine backrub after a tough day.

3. Drive slow, homey: I have a friend who’s finishing up a residency at Harvard Medical. She calls her school the H-bomb because when a lot of guys hear that, they immediately think their resume isn’t up to snuff. I feel bad for her on one hand, but she also does a great job of not making it the focus of who she is. And as such, she’s able to de-escalate a lot of these potential issues because she doesn’t overplay the Harvard hand and she doesn’t lord it over anybody. If anything, she often makes fun of the arrogance of a lot of Harvard people. If she can be chill about her accomplishments, you with the Bachelor’s from the mid-pack state school? You really need to cool the fuck out.

4. Take the armor off: Look, it’s a cold world out there. Everyone knows it. You face rejection and unkindness every day. That’s no excuse to be a twat. Too many people (men and women) try to use very superficial things to give themselves self-confidence and make them feel better about their lives. Phrases like “I’m always in VIP,” “Oh, I don’t wait in lines to get in the club,” “Isn’t that last year’s model?” etc, are just some examples of douchey things people say to try to elevate their status and give themselves a level of protection against being thought of as less. Please quit.

5. Get off the entitlement train: Because you went to x, you deserve x. Because you work at x, you deserve x. Becuse you wear x, you deserve x. Enh. I said it before, I’ll say it again: Part of the problem is that people think you get what they deserve. You don’t. You get what you work, hustle, cheat, steal, and strong-arm for, and then you still usually have to rely on some luck to get it done. So yes, you’re good looking, went to a great school, and have a great job. That does not make you princess of the world, so expecting everyone to wait hand and foot on you because of your looks or pedigree isn’t going to get you a lot but looks of disgust from most people. Especially when you run into someone whose track record is tighter than yours (you will). Humility is really attractive.

Caveat: Most of this advice actually applies to both sexes. That means it’s unisex. Like cKOne or something. Y’all remember cKOne? That was the hot shit in like ’93

Not douchey!

Not douchey!

Jee, she seems like shed be nice to talk to

Jee, she seems like she'd be nice to talk to

Damn you David Bowie!

Damn you David Bowie!