Posts Tagged ‘macking’

Seriously. I mean, why not? Have you seen the people claiming to be macking experts on the twittah, facebook, myspace, etc? Almost without exception, they’re complete assclowns.

Take this guy for instance.

Is that an Affliction T-shirt?

I followed dude on twitter (back when I was actually on twitter for whatever reason) for a second because a couple of my friends did too. Against my better judgment, I hoped that perhaps there would be valuable relationship/dating advice, or at least interesting commentary. ENHHH! He has a blog called “Breaklamps” (see here for rules to twitter pimping) and Buddy’s entire persona and life is based on berating “myspace models” and bitching about groupies. My guess is, and I could be wrong, is that his borderline sociopathic obsession with girls that take lingerie shots of themselves in the bathroom:

Personally, shit like this here worries me far more:

Why, dawg, why?

is predicated entirely on frustration with his lack of ability to actually have sex with these women. Look, I’m frustrated that I can’t tomahawk dunk like Dwight Howard. But life goes on. For most of us, at least. However, buddy has attempted to create a cottage industry of simultaneously downing internet models, while at the same time, going in on #bathwaterslurpers, which is a phrase he’s codified for male groupies of these internet models. Let me get this straight, slim. You spend four hours a day posting pictures and links to myspace models’ pages and you talk about other people being obsessed with these chicks? Say word. Now, I talked to a fairly popular internet model who had been tweeting her about him. I assumed they knew each other. Apparently, not so much. He just showed up at some event he knew she was hosting, undoubtedly trying to get at her. If she’s telling the truth, he did not succeed. Which doesn’t much sound mackish to me.

Then there’s this fella here:

Now, in fairness, I’ve had dealings with this cat before, and he’s a fairly intelligent guy, and I believe a reasonable man. We had some unpleasantness in certain dealings, but I’ll just chalk that up to him being trying to negotiate the best deal he could. So my beef is not so much with the man, as it is with this character he’s created. He goes by the name “His Royal Flyness” which tells you 87% of the things you need to know already.  He’s written a book called “Myspace to My Place” I shit you not. Planned followups include “From Facebook to Face Down” And “Using Twitter to Hit ‘er.” Kidding. My homegirl he sent the book to said it could have been written by a five year old.  Dude joined a group a while ago that may or may not have been started by yours truly and mentioned in a new book that rhymes with “Snitch is the Few Crack.” Needless to say, when it came to back up the expertise, a lot of excuses were made.

So given the competition in the world of being an internet macking guru, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring. So, since we’re always talking about people’s dating issues, let’s try a couple dating solutions. And for all of its negative connotations,

"You's a rest haven for Hoes!"

Craig Sager, er, I mean Willie Dynamite

the truth is: The road to happy comitted black people always starts with macking. In order for a relationship to form, someone’s gotta nut up and open the conversation. Successfully. SisterToldja said as much here in lamenting the dearth of type A males who go out and mack to women. So here’s a very brief, unscientific set of pointers from your new internet macking guru:

1. Just do it. You can justify to yourself a million different reasons not to approach a woman. “She’s surrounded by her girlfriends”, “I’m shy”, “There are too many people around”, “It would be awkward”, “Them light skinned girls think they better than er’body”, etc.. But like a jump shot, if you don’t try, you won’t score.

2. Just do it alot. 1, it’s good practice, so you’ll get better at it. 2. A lot of relationships come indirectly. You may not make a love connection with old girl, but when her and her crew come to the barbecue you invite them to, her homegirl with the curly fro might just be choosing. Just talk to people without an expectation of an outcome. A lot of time, just being more social leads to good things.

3. Speaking of Choosing…That’s women’s work, not men’s. How many times have you locked in on that one girl in a crew, tried with her, and then crashed and burned. What you didn’t know was that her friend was eyeing you and has low moral standards. When there’s a group of women, actually talk to them before you figure out whether you’ve fallen in love yet.

4. All you have in this life is your word and your balls…And since she doesn’t know if you’re honest or not, all you’ve really got at the opening is your balls. so let em hang low. Mack hard, with pride and confidence. Without apology or doubt. The night I got the most positive female attention in my life, I was wearing a dress. A short dress, at that. When I asked the women I met why they were initially attracted to me, the answer was always something to the effect that they were intrigued by the confidence it takes a straight man to wear a dress. In the same vein:

5. Separate Yourself.. The Phrase, “be yourself” is always thrown around by us internet macking gurus while we’re trying to tell you to do everything different than you normally would. There’s not as much dissonance there as you might think. Because who you “are” and what you show may be two very different things. You may be an artistic, spiritual left of center guy, but standing somewhere in a button up, some loafers, and a low caesar, you kinda fade in with all the other non-artistic, areligious, right wing assholes vying for the same woman’s attention. You’re wearing their uniform. You’re probably using the exact same approach. So, and this is where you have to figure it out for yourself, you’d probably be better off letting a potential mackee know from jump what it is about you that’s not like the others. Are you safe and secure, like a Volvo?  Thrilling and dangerous like a Ferrari? Tough and industrious like an F-150? What’s your value proposition? If you know this, it’s pretty easy to articulate it. Hell, you probably won’t even need to. people will just recognize it. If you’re a little confused, figure it out.

6. Wear an Ascot….I’m fucking kidding. You like a complete dickcheese wearing an ascot. There are three peoople in the world who can get away with wearing an ascot without irony. Two of them live in Monaco. The odds are not with you here.

7. Mack with honor: Don’t sell these hoes dreams. If you know she’s looking to land a husband, and you just want to see what she looks like tied up, don’t lead her on. You may miss out on some tang, but in the end, you’ll be a better person for it.

Happy macking

Not for nothing, never happen, I be forever macking

Not for nothing, never happen, I be forever macking

So in this continuation of the Manlaw series, I want to talk to folks about actually meeting women. A simple activity which has become tremendously overcomplicated by both men and women. I was talking to a friend of mine and she’s been bugging me about writing something regarding the proper etiquette in meeting a woman because of her experience at the Park last week, a Negro hangout spot in DC, wherein she claims she was grabbed about like a rag doll the entire time. I wasn’t there but seems plausible. See, the whole grabbing thing is bad macking. There’s a ton of things actually which are bad macking, and we know they’re bad macking. We do them anyway, either because we’re lazy, or because it’s just what’s done. Now, a caveat. I’m not Mystery from the Pick-Up artist. I’m not a professional mack. I’m probably not even a particularly good one. But I have been fortunate enough to have dated what I think are some of the most quality women in this country. Really great women who I’m glad to have shared time with. And as a fairly newly single person, re-entering a new(ish) city, this is a good exercise for me as well. That said, summer’s about to be over. Folks ain’t trying to be out in these streets like that in the Cold November Rain. The time for action is now, my friends (John McCain voice). So here are some brief tips:

1. Choose your stage: The boy Jozen wrote an excellent piece a few days ago on places where the fine women are. I know “the club” is the default place to meet and mack women, but go back carefully and look at your dating history. How many women that you’ve actually had sustainable successful relationships did you actually meet “in the club?”  As a rule, the club was not created for people to meet each other and form romantic relationships. The club was designed for people with menial careers to go somewhere and live out their high school fantasies of being popular and important. The club is merely the adult version of a grade school playground, with the same social hierarchies, jockeying for position, and attempts at making oneself seem more important. And real talk, it’s not that easy to form a lasting bond or impression when you’re five Tequilas down, she’s three Long Islands up, and Gucci Mane and Jeezy are yelling for you to be ignorant at ear-shattering volumes. Beyond that, many of OUR people (elitism) shun the club because we realy don’t need or want to spend a whole lot of time wading through people who won’t get us in the hope that someone else of our stature has similarly lowered themselves to come here.

The truth of the matter is, the whole world is a proverbial ho stroll. You just have to figure out where the women you want are at and end up there. The key being to not waste a whole lot of time and effort going to places where your constituency doesn’t exist. A few of good places:

1. The hardware store: Women here tend to own homes, or at least keep their apartments nice

2. Midday downtown: These broads have jobs and go to lunch. Like shooting fish in a barrel

3. Whole Foods: Women here care about their health and well-being

4. Book Stores/Coffee Shops: They can read

These places also work well, because there’s a built in conversation. What are you reading? Oh, I love Barilla Pasta. Are you painting your bedroom that color? Boom, easy.

Many Men to meet, Much fat to chew

Many Men to meet, Much fat to chew

2. Presentation You never get a second chance to make a first impression is the old saying. And when people think game, they think mouthpiece. Enh. Wrong. Game begins the moment you walk in somewhere. 70% or something of communication is non-verbal. The play doesn’t start at the point you’ve mustered up the liquor courage to go deliver that brilliant opening line of yours. How you look, your posture, your body language determine where you start on the field. Now you can come through with one of those Devin Hester returns for the TD, in which case all you have to do when you open your mouth is kick the extra point….

orrrrrr you can get a whole lot of penalty flags and try to dig your way out from your own goal line. Which would you prefer? Right. I’m a fan of simplicity myself. The Affliction tattoo t-shirts and the big skull belt buckles and all that, it may work some places, but I find a nice watch, some good quality shoes, and a white or black button up does the job every time with the crowd I’m going for. Me being me, I also enjoy a tacky but very well cut blazer in some material or color not found in nature. That’s just what works for me. I was actually at an event this weekend, and in the middle of our conversation, the young lady looked directly down at my shoes. Like unapologetically. She approved. Personal style is a personal deal, so whatever you feel comfortable in, do that. If you feel comfortable, you’ll act comfortable. And no woman can’t dig that. Dressing well doesn’t have to be expensive. It’s a recession, there’s always a sale on somewhere. Also, wearing a three piece suit in a lounge on Saturday with Versace shades typically makes women think you’re pretentious, not business-like. At least loosen the tie.

YOU could be part of this stable. Choose, bi**h!

YOU could be part of this stable. Choose, bi**h!

3. Bring Sand to the Beach The best way to get a good deal on a Ferrari is to drive up to the dealership in a Lamborghini. Half the reticence women have about talking to guys (is he lame, crazy, dangerous, broke, etc.) go out the window if you’re with one or more attractive women. You’re pre-approved if you show up with cute chicks.If it’s a velvet rope door situation, again, matching up with some chicks in line makes your night a lot smoother.

4. Pull your balls up Quit whining about how these women act and go interact. Not every conversation has to be a pick up. nd frankly, the most productive conversations are just two people (or more) talking about a subject of mutual interest. If some women are having a conversation, go find out what they hollering about. If you see a girl alone by the bar, smile and say hi. I wave at women all the time. They almost always wave back. And that opens the door to conversation later. But standing on the wall sucking down your drink or waiting for women to pass by to grab them like an Octopus doesn’t really work too well.

5. Be your best self Not what you think she wants to see. You might want to play Mr. Sensitive and she really wants a dude who will “punch her in the throat and tell her it’s time to fuck” (yes, a woman actually did say this was what she wanted in a man. Seriously). Don’t try to get on her level, talk about the things that you’re interested in that she may share. If there’s no commonality, no need to force it or pretend you’re into water polo. Dating is ruthlessly inefficient, and very few of the people we meet are going to be potential long run partners. If you and a woman have some things in common and will get along, it’ll be evident fairly early. You being you will help you click with this person, not hurt it. Showing you’re human and not some self-aggrandizing caricature will do much more to create a bond than just showing off your assets or trying to sell a dream. Feel free to cut your losses with a nice handshake and a “nice to meet you” if it ain’t going nowhere.

Not gonna happen, LeRoy

Not gonna happen, LeRoy

6. Don’t make a buffoon out of yourself if she’s not responsive. You have no idea why a woman may have rejected you. She may have a dude, an STD she’s embarrassed about, a bad day, or a bad attitude. Or she just may not be into you. Trying to one up her by then getting mad at her or downplaying her is just immature. We’re men, we roll with punches. Stop being all sensitive. You don’t see the Lion badmouthing the gazelle that got away: “You wasn’t that delicious anyway, bitch! With your short ass horns!” Yeah, Mufasa doesn’t really do all that. He just moves on. And it saves him the embarrassment of looking whiny and spiteful, unmannish qualities both.

7. Social macking Realistically, one of the best ways to get to know people is through the people you already know. A lot of women make this something of a precondition, whether they tell you that or not. And since most valuable women don’t have a lot of time, they’re spending it with their existing friends, not aimlessly wandering Adams Morgan or Lenox mall. That said, your reputation becomes exceedingly important in a close knit circle. If you’re trifling, it’ll get around. If you’re fun and caring, it’ll get around too. DC people with your small ass communities, I’m talking to you.

8. No drink buying. This may run counter to a lot of what you may have heard or seen, but don’t buy them girls drinks off the break. Make them earn it. Seriously, if someone needs you to put $12 up to have a conversation with them, the conversation isn’t going to be that good. If things are going well, and you want to do something nice once you’ve established a bond, that’s cool, but I’ve been in situations a million times where you’ll see a guy working hard at the bar plying a chick with drinks, and when he pulls out his phoen to put the number in, he gets that “sorry, I have a boyfriend” routine. Women may say they see drink buying as chivalry, but a lot of them also see it as weakness. If you’re willing to buy them something without any indication of what type of person they are, you’re probably a trick.

Feel free to add your own. This is a learning process for me too.

The Mother Hen Commercial

“I’m in my Cool Whip, inside Jell-O”

Hop up out that pretty muthafucka, like ‘Hello’

‘Hello’

‘Hello, ladies, how you doooooin’

‘That n**** crazy girl, don’t say nothing to him'”

Ladies, how many times has some variation of this happened to you? You’re in a social setting, having a conversation with a gentleman. The conversation might be going somewhere. It might not. It might be too early to tell. But there’s at least the glimmering spark of potential.

And then it is dashed as your homegirl swoops in and announces that “she needs you” or “She has to tell you something privately” or “We’re leaving.” The aforementioned gentleman stands there shell shocked, like a 17 year old private whose Hummer was just hit by an IED. Yes, this is a problem for us as men, but oftentimes, it’s an even bigger problem for you as women. Your friend is actively limiting the number of men you can meet and hopefully, have some kind of fulfilling relationship with. Why in the freak would someone who calls you their friend do this to you, you ask? Simple:

1. They think they’re protecting you. They automatically assume that this guy is beneath you and you don’t want to talk to him. He’s too short, too fat, or she just seented him talking to another girl. He looks broke. His shoes weren’t Ferragamo. Yes, these women are your own female version of Captain Save-A-Ho and they’ll stop at nothing to protect you from the unwanted advances of some sorry brother. Or any brother, for that matter.

2. They’re jealous of the attention. This may be conscious or subconscious. Women constantly measure their worth and value against other women’s. So when a guy is talking to a woman that’s not them, she immediately wonders, “what’s wrong with me.” This may not be a guy they’re even remotely interested in, but they want this guy to still be attracted to them nonetheless. Some women tke great pride and joy in shooting men down. So when Rayfus is off chatting you up instead of her, that green eyed monster comes out hard. Especially since she wore the cute dress that makes her butt look big. Don’t let her be the one who thinks she’s the cutest girl in your crew. She’s definitely not having you steal her shine. Her coming over and interfering is often an attempt to put the attention back on her just as much as it is her being angry that you’re getting some holleration.

3. She doesn’t want to lose you. Women know that once you get in a relationship, all those girls’ nights out and 7 hour bitchfests about men come to an end. You have a tight little crew that has sooooooo much fun together. If one of you actually gets a dude, there’ll be no more time to wallow in the misery of man-bashing and cathartic shopping for slutty outfits to attract new men. Misery loves company, and if this guy actually does lock you down, that’s one less miserable bitch to share the sadness with.

4. She’d rather be right than happy. A lot of women haven’t had good luc in relationships. Rather through their faults or the faults of the guys they’ve dated, they’ve become pretty jaded about the whole thing. So if you can’t get any satisfaction from relationships with men, what’s the next best thing? Getting satisfaction from being wanted and then rejecting the suitor. I have a theory that this is one of the reasons some black women seem especially mean when they reject a dude’s advances. It’s not just a “sorry, but I’m taken” or a polite let-down, it’s a firm attemt to demean and dismiss someone else who’s shown interest. As such, I have seen a couple women get slapped in the club after getting particularly out of pocket. I certainly don’t condone ever using violence against women, but in both of these situations, I kinda saw the escalation on the woman’s part leading to something bad happening pretty quickly. It’s sort of like a high school bully way to get some self-confidence, and as shown before, it can have some seriously bad consequences.

So how do you go about stopping this behavior. Here’s a few tips for both the ladies and the guys

Ladies:

1. Talk to her about it privately. You’re friends, you shouldn’t have to pussyfoot around an issue that’s bothering you. And it’s just as likely as not that your friend doesn’t realize she’s doing something you don’t like. In all ll truth, if she’s a savior, she probably thinks she’s doing you a favor. If she’s an attention whore, she might think that you’ll just sit idly by and let her bully your suitors away. It might not be a pretty conversation but if you’re legit friends, it should be said.

2. Set expectations before you go out. Let your friends know: You’re going out tonight to have a good time. You’re an adult and you can handle yourself around men without a whole lot of interference. If necessary, come up with an “extraction flare”: a signal that yes, you really do need to be saved from Gold tooth Ronriguez with the Orange linen outfit in winter. Cut the ambiguity out of it. If you shoot the flare, your friends are allowed to swoop in like Blackhawk helicopters, lay down some cover fire, and get you back to base. if no signal, they waive off.

3. Solo missions. If you have a friend who’s an unbashed hater, go out with them, but strike off on your own at some point. You really don’t need to be under them ho’s for every second you’re at a party/event. No one’s going to get assraped if you just take a stroll around the club by yourself for ten minutes or so to check out the scene. Agree to meet back at the bar at whatever time or just send them a text when you want to get the posse back together.

4. Stand up for yourself. Samuel L. Jackson is not only one of my favorite actors, but I believe him to be wise and sage. So if you’re getting good conversation from a guy and Hatey McHaterson comes swooping in, TELL THAT BITCH TO BE COOL! You don’t need to cause a scene or get into it with your friend, just a “hold on a second” or “give me a minute” id fine. If she’s pressing the issue, understand that she’s disrespecting you and your conversation. Be firm, look her in the eye, and repeat that she needs to wait a minute. You’re her friend, not her lackey, and as such there needs to be a mutual respect there which she should understand.

Fellas:

1. A good wingman Contrary to popular opinion, a good wingman is usually less the high-flying fancy Top Gun F-22 type.

Ol top gun ass wingman

Ol' top gun ass wingman

You need a dirty, down in the mud, A-10 Warthog kinda dude.:

Die, Haters, Die!

Die, Haters, Die!

Just a dude that will mix it up with anybody. It helps if he has either no pride or a bulletproof ego. He’ll take abuse and assault form the meanest, lowliest, trunk monkey and spit it right back to her. This gives you time to complete the mission while he keeps the hater insurgents at bay.

2. Tell that bitch to be cool. I wouldn’t necessarily use the phrase, “Bitch Be Cool,” but it’s perfectly alright to assert yourself and let hateful friend know that she’s interrupting YOUR conversation and you will not tolerate rudeness and disrespect. Women are amazingly compliant to men who demand respect in an authoratative but not belligerent manner. You’re not trying to start a fight in a public place, but it’s perfectly fine to request that you finish up your conversation, and then you all can go about your merry way.

3. Disqualify her. Sometimes you just have to let it go. And it’s perfectly fine to tell a woman that while you would be interested in her, you think her friends are boorish and disrespectfu and you’re not going to deal with that. And then bounce. The world is small. It’s not unlikely you’ll see this chick again and when you do, you’ll have set the expectation that you’re not gonna put up with any 8th grade bulshit.

Happy Macking!


So there’s a certain Facebook datin group with which I’m associated and has a chapter devoted to it in a new book that’s coming out this year (I will advise when it’s out) and I was looking back on the early days of the group and dug out this old gem. I think it’s time to reinstate Bougie Black Macking Week. So many people are off complaining that they can’t find a man/woman/midget to marry/date/sodomize that I think now’s the perfect time to go out and get it in. Here are some tips I posted for the ladies back in ’07 when the economy was good, but I think they’re just as relevant as they are today (Unfortunately, I still think my boot cut True Religions are too, but that’s just cause I can’t get with this skinny jean shit.) Enjoy and report back your successes:

Since clearly I hit a nerve with the last note, and it seems like there’s a genuine thirst among the bouges to seek out and find a suitable bougie partner, I am declaring the week beginning Friday August 21 and ending Labor Day Monday to be the 1st annual Black Bougie Macking Week. Come on, fellow paper-baggers! This is your chance to throw down that Principles of Tort Law, sign off your company’s VPN, and turn your Blackberry off! It’s macking time! With that said, I’m going to open up the floor for game tips to the opposite sex, since I’ve been told by a number of my female friends who are eligible, smart, and very attractive, that they don’t know how to attract a dude in a social setting, even though I know good dudes that would happily date them. I also know a couple chicks who will turn every dude down in the club and wind up crying on the way back to the car about how lonely they are. So here are a couple tips and tactics for YOU, ladies. And feel free to share what you got for our male audience. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it and so will the fembouge who ends up meeting ol’ boy

1. Smile.

Simplest game in the book. If you look fun and happy, dudes will holla. Most men, whether they admit it or not, fear rejection when they open up a conversation with a woman. Unless they got that good liquor courage in them, in which case, who gives a damn. But if you want sober dudes to talk to you, look like you want to get talked to. If a guy who might be worth your while is checking you out, acknowledge, and give him the green light. This doesn’t make you easy, or less of a challenge, it just means fewer people will pass you by. Crossed arms and an “I’d rather be somewhere with richer dudes than you” look is going to make dudes think “She’d rather be somehwere with richer dudes than me.”

2. Leave the hating ass friend at home.
Listen, I know y’all came together, y’all gonna leave together, ok. But does it help anyone to have her yanking you away from old boy in mid-conversation or beginning of conversation? I know, sometimes, she has to come because she’s your best frind, cousin, ride, etc., but at least give the hateful trollop a good talking to beforehand. I know, “let’s go, these niggas are wack” is a real convincing statement, but if you disagree, show some backbone and tell that monkey to relax.

3. Stop herding.

I mean really, how many dudes are going to fight through all eight of y’all clustered in the middle of the dance floor to talk to you? Statistically, at least 25% of your crew falls into the aformentioned category, so that means a dude has to take down at least two gatekeepers before he gets to you. Think Special Forces, not 81st Infantry type numbers. Two to four in one area is a cool little number to roll with. And stop being so scared to split up. The club aint that big and y’all have unlimited text messaging, you’ll be able to find her. You can find a quiet spot to chop it up with a new friend, and no one’s going to kidnap and sodomize your friend for the five minutes you’re gone.

4. Realize we don’t shotgun mack
Unlike those lucky dudes with do-rags and XXXXXL t-shirts in Adams Morgan, we don’t have the luxury of grabbing every single one of y’all’s arms with a well-timed “A bay bay.” Because of the clusterfuck, we have to be real selective or we end up crossing lines with some chick we had no idea was your (insert bougie association here). Thus, you have to be a little more cooperative if this is going to go anywhere. (See rule 1) Otherwise, it’ll just end up being polite conversation.

5. Leave work at work
Tyler Durden is not his khakis. You are not your job title. Hopefully, you have interests, activities, wants, and dreams that stretch further than getting a corner office with an Eames couch. Talk about that, not about how you went to xxxx and now do xxx and are planning to go to xxx so you can get an xxx degree which will allow you to move into xxx. And let’s all cut out the education/career one upmanship.

6. Flirt
It’s fun, try it!

Ladies, what do you want us guys to do better?

So what’s hot in the streets these last few days has been the Root Article about “What Single Black Women can learn from Michelle Obama”. If you were living under a rock and haven’t read or at least heard of it, I’ll give you the cliff notes:

Black women are too picky and shallow and when they meet an otherwise good man they rule him out for the following reasons:

His toes were ashy.

He seems like he’d be a really cool friend, but I don’t know, those lips. . .

He was wearing a bubble coat, and seriously, it was not that cold.

We had a good conversation, but I like a man to be more aggressive.

That was our second and last date. He used the word “authentic” like 14 times.

How many times do I have to tell you I’m looking for someone TALL and HOT? Keywords being tall and hot.

He drank a hot chocolate instead of coffee. What is he? A 6’4’’12-year-old? (I’m putting myself out there—this was my own reaction to an otherwise pleasant date just a few years ago.)

Yeah, he was tall, but his head seemed a little small for his body.

It was loud in there, so I’m not sure. Did I detect a stutter?

Boy, was he sweating!

He seems like someone who would like Star Trek.

I don’t care if he can’t see. He should have left those glasses at the office.

He was dancing (or worse, trying) way too hard.

These are actual quotes from the article. My interpretation of the author’s point:

You dumb bitches need to smarten up and realize that you’re no prize pig yourself. It ain’t enough dudes to go around in the first place so quit handicapping yourself with your unrealistic expectations. We know your shallow ass woulda seen the hole in that dude’s floorboard and ran the other way, we know it! Now stop being so blinded by them flashing lights and give a brotha a chance!

At least that’s how I interpreted it. But as we all know, what makes internet reading so enjoyable is not the writing itself which tends to be the domain of frustrated wannabe authors who will never get a book deal and short-fingered vulgarians to0 untalented and ugly to get their own reality show (witness yours truly). It’s the commentary after that makes the read worth it. As of today, we’re up to probably about 30 pages of comments (real number: 17 or so because the Root refuses to fix the issue which makes comments appear in triplicate). The comments were all over the place, but had two enduring themes:

1. Black women be materialistic and shallow as hell and that’s why we run off with white women. Sincerely, Black Man.

2. I ain’t dating no dude from the mailroom! You ni**as need to get yo’ shit togther. Holla. Sincerely, Black Woman

Meanwhile, over on belle’s blog, there was a post about “Settling,” with about the same general results. So, just for argument’s sake, let’s assume that black women are magically more materialistic or status-obsessed than gen pop. Let’s further assume we’re talking specifically about professional black women between say 22 and 35 with college degrees. This is just for the sake of argument, of course. Try not to flood my comment box with accusations that I’m one of the people always puttig down black women.

So let’s say I’m who I am. I’m (newly) single and on the prowl for a woman. Wife, GF, fuckbuddy, whatever, let’s just assume I’m seeking female companionship and thus seek to make myself as attractive as possible to the opposite sex.

Should I stunt?

I mean, according to the commentary, what women want are tall guys with money and unashy feet. Since I don’t wear mandals, let’s just assume that by the time they find out my general level of foot ashiness, it’s too late and they’re already naked. And while Kareem Abdul Jabbar I’m not, I’m tall enough that it’s not a strike against me. Now, the money issue. I’m not really liquid because I’m in grad school, but if we assume I’ll either have the same earning power or more than I did before I went to school, then that puts me in the top 15% or so of households, and for single black males, probably in the top low single digits. So do I stunt? Mind you, stunting for this particular crowd is a little different than stunting for oh, say, Plies’ crowd:

On another note, Plies disgusts me. Because he went to college. I’ve heard him speak regularly and he sounds very intelligent. But he’s fallen into this ridiculous trap of hiding one’s education and accomplishments to live out some white suburban teen’s hood fantasy of what it means to be black. Fucking disgusting.

But I digress. The accoutrements of bougie stunting are a little different, but it’s stuntin nonetheless. No, you can’t do a diamond-studded Jacob the Jeweler but a nice clasic Rolex Oyster or Omega Seamaster will definitely get you noticed. The girls in the know can tell that Z Zegna super 150’s or Canali from that Men’s Wearhouse shit. And let’s face it, everyone likes a nice car. Will it be that ethnic stereotype candy Hummer on 28’s as seen above? No. But the RR Sport or full sized Range, any BMW with an M in front of a single digit, or an AMG something or other will still let em know what’s up. How bout, say, something like this:

For all you fellow Mercedes haters out there (so very bland), maybe even something along these lines:

Will I get a better class of woman if I say, save a little less, and splurge a little more? When I go out to nightclubs, which is rare these days, should I just go ahead and get bottle service? Is this the way toward a more fulfilling dating life? I mean, to hear the commentary, the answer does seem to be yes. And we’re not talking about raping the 401k here, just maybe not maxing out the contribution. I don’t know the answer. Seriously, I’m asking. Little help. I’m interested in hearing folks’ thoughts on this issue.

I have a theory on why black people are so obsessed with showing off their earning power. It’s lack of trust. We’ve seen so much flim-flam from each other that unless we see something with our own eyes, we don’t believe it. If a guy says to you that he does this, that, or the other, you’ve heard the same lie so many times that it takes the acoutrements of that profession for you to believe it. I think this is why dudes wear suits to the club on Saturday. Like seriously, dude, it’s Saturday. No one believes you just left the office at 11:30 on SATURDAY wearing a three piece suit and a perfectly knotted half-windsor tie. But the suit is kind of a way to prove who you say you are. It adds credibility to your story. The car adds credibility to your narrative that you’re a successful person. It goes with the image. I’m not going to get into the whole building wealth vs. consumerism macro argument, that’s a whole different blog. I’m just trying to really figure out if, given what a million people are saying is true in relation to how picky black women are and how much they focus on external indicators of success, I should show it a little more. Will that make my dating life better?

In part 2, I’ll tell you a little about what my theory is and gice you some history to back it up. Have a great weekend.

Faithfully Yours,

B St. R

PS: here’s one more piece of car porn. I would kill seven orphans for this car (I mean, not really, but you get the point). I heart Techart