Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Stay Thirsty my friends. Thirsty for manwhoring

Stay Thirsty my friends. Thirsty for manwhoring

So I asked a question on Twitter the other day and I was really surprised by the answers I got.  And I think it’s a question many men my age (Late 20’s, early 30’s) are asking themselves right about now. It’s simple: Two or three more years of hardcore manwhoring or start looking for a wife. I mean, according to the good people at P.O.S.H, I’m fast approaching my expiration date.

Talented Black Man syndrome is affecting men all over America.  Many of you all believe you have all the time in the world to find the one and women are the only one with clocks .  Sorry playas, you have an expiration date too.  After awhile, your man weight starts to catch up to you and you begin to lose a little of that shiny attractive wrapper that had women throwing their panties at you harder than that Hail Mary pass during the last 10 seconds of the Superbowl.  Guess what, while counting your money and polishing the awards on your desk, you just turned into the old dude at the club.  New booty runs away from you and only gives you pity dances.

Soon apparently, my belly will have dunlapped over the dress belt on my dad jeans, my hairline will start receding, and I’ll be the old guy in the club with the leather vest doing the two step and hitting on young girls. Fortunately, that day is two to three years away (I hope). So in the meantime, what do we do? Seek out the solace, love, and comfort of finding the one? Or rip into the women of this city like Lindsay Lohan at an all you can snort buffet at a Columbian wedding?

Surprisingly, than answer I got from women: Coke buffet. Get it outta your system, they say. Much like Prince Hakeem, it seems that sowing one’s royal oats is considered a perfectly acceptable pastime in principle. But in reality, while I think it’s easy to say that they support it, for a lot of women, I think the reality isn’t as cut and dried as they think. As I’ve seen on the blogs lately, there’s a lot of frustration about the lack of available marriage-able men, and the list is always as follows:  “either gay, in jail, or a manwhore.” So to some degree I don’t know that manwhoring wouldn’t be a slight slap in the face to these lovely women who dream of bridezilla like weddings and blinding their jealous friends with their emerald cut engagement ring.

And yet, no one wants to go into a lifelong commitment feeling like they missed out. And the truth of the matter is, if I were to get married tomorrow, I would be giving up the excitement, variety, and thrill of dating multiple people. Obviously, for the right woman, it’s a fair compromise. But I doubt any woman would really want to go into a marriage with me if she thought in the back of her mind, “he really would rather be hanging from the rafters in Vegas, with no shirt on in the club, spraying the crowd with overpriced champagne.”

I’ve said often part of the reason men my age face this question as opposed to women is just the developmental cyce. Because women peak earlier, they get through the attention whore phase (hopefully) earlier. When they’re 22 and 23, the world’s their oyster and everyone wants them. The old heads are buying you tables at the club, taking you shopping in Miami, and generally letting you live the good life. With us, it ain’t until we’re in our late 20’s that we’re really desired and admired. Once we’ve hit terminal education and have some dough and some accomplishments, that’s when we’ve officially “arrived.” So I think some of the frustration women have with the cycle is just a timing mismatch. Women wonder why we’re enjoying a lifestyle they burned through two years ago. Well, simple, we haven’t gotten our chance yet for the most part.

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Now doesn’t that look like fun? I mean, think about it, I’m pretty sure Beyonce is glad that Jay went through that period so he could put it behind him. And now after enjoying himself with disposable video models of all stripe, dot, and feather, he’s settled down with the one he truly wants (or who offers the best power couple dynamics, whatever). Of course, there’s a flip side to the manwhoring argument. Obviously, people succeed at what they focus on. So while focusing on manwhoring, it might be very possible to walk right past “the right one” because the “one right now” has no panties on and a come-hither glance. Worse, while racking up the numbers, the right one may decide that you’re an eternal manwhore and shut the door to future settling down. Or you may fuck her cousin, and that’s always awkward.

So what to do, people, what to do. Choose carefully, as your answer may determine the fate of all men.

Me likey the beach wedding

Me likey the beach wedding

Ive made a terrible mistake

I've made a terrible mistake

I mean, I’m certain a lot of men are rethinking the whole proposition after the whole Nas/Kelis fiasco. Or at least using it as an excuse as to why they wouldn’t get married. Despite the fact, almost none of ya are ever even going to make $55k a month, much less have to fork over that amount. But I think where their relationship went sour speaks a lot to the reasons men may have a pretty good rationale for not getting married

1. Marriage isn’t really that fun Sure, it’s a great environment to raise kids, and may help with your promotion prospects:

Now, a new crop of studies has shown married men earn an average of 10 percent to 40 percent more than those who never have married, yet have similar education and work experience. “My husband’s income tripled after I began encouraging him to focus on his accomplishments and see that he was worth more money,” said Joanne Watson, who authored the book “How to Help Your Husband Make More Money So You Can Be a Stay-at-Home Mom.” Two main reasons are thought to drive the phenomenon, according to Hyunbae Chun and Injae Lee of the Department of Economics at New York University, who published a study called “Why Do Married Men Earn More: Productivity or Marriage Selection.” First is the “productivity hypothesis”: Having a partner to support, encourage and motivate makes the other partner more productive. Second is the “selection hypothesis”: Women tend to marry men with characteristics that make them more successful in the workplace. They avoid men who don’t. Analyzing 1999 survey data of about 2,700 men, Chun and Lee found married men earned an average of 12.4 percent more per hour than unmarried men. After adjusting for age, work, experience, education and other factors, the researchers concluded the productivity theory — having a supportive partner — is the reason behind married men’s financial success.

But is it really fun? Like fun fun? I mean, I know it should be. You ‘posed to enjoy spending time with your woman, doing things you both love, exploring the world and each other and shit. But from what I’ve seen, a lot of times, it gets old. I see guys who are married having to leave the house to have fun. They go play golf with the boys, or hit the cub, or go on sex tours of Brazil. The thrill can get lost pretty easily if you’re not careful. I mean, at th end of the day, why was Steve McNair sneaking around in an jump-off condo with a 20 year old? The thrill. And face it, how many married guys do you know that are basically dead men walking? A lot, probably. And I think that’s the number one fear: misery.

2. It’s not that good of a deal for us I mean, let’s face it: Marriage is your thing. There’s no section in Barnes & Nobles with titles like Modern Groom and Husband Quarterly. This is you all’s thing. Was anyone in GI Joe married? No. Destro had the Baroness as a jump-off/sometime girlfriend and that seemed to work great for him. But women start planning their weddings at 4 years old. And there’s a reason for that. Women want to be saved. They want the stability of marriage, the security and predictabilty of one man. Men don’t need that. And what we used to need in terms of support for our manly operations now comes from machines: Need a hot meal? Microwave. Need laundry done? Stack washer and dryer. Need sexual release? Online porn. I know, I know. What about being madly in love with someone and needing them more than life itself? Well, yeah, that’s the dream about marriage you’ve been sold by Hollywood and greasy R&B singers with wack suits.

Im looking your way, Ginuwine

I'm looking your way, Ginuwine

Most people don’t get married because they’re madly in love. They get married because it’s the right time, or they want to have children, or they’ve been with someone so long, there’s no real alternative. I mean, the concept of romantic love as a justification for marriage is all of about 70 odd years old. Before that, it was how many camels can my family get for auctioning off the daughter with the child-bearing hips. So for the woman’s security, we kind of give up a lot: Freedom, independent decision making, new pussy, the car of our choice (you know you want that bitch ass Lexus SUV that couldn’t climb a rock if your life depended on it and we want a monster truck with a foghorn).

3. The Breakups are expensive You know what Kim Kardashian got after two years with Reggie Bush? A handshake and a “best of luck in your future endeavors.” You know what Heather Mills got after two years with Paul McCartney? $49 mil. I didn’t even bring kelis into this because, hey, Nas fucked up with his choice of lawyer. Given the divorce rate stats and the general rapeage that occurs in a divorce settlement, why even go into it? If you were trying to convince a private equity company to invest money into a marriage given the stats, you’d be put out of the offices on your ass Jazzy Jeff style. As far as kids, a lot of couples and ex-couples have kids in relationships which aren’t marriages, but work well in the sense that the father’s very involved in the kid’s day to day life.And these days, it ain’t like that there’s that much shame in being an unwed mother.

4. There’s not that much joy in being man of the house anymore Back int he day, you got home from a hard day at work and there was your lovely wife waiting with a martini in one hand and a pot roast in the other. She dutifully listened to your dullard tales of office politics and how your day went. The kids had been cleaned up for supper and were happy to show you what they learned in school today.

Honey, heres your shit!

Honey, here's your shit!

But what all happened is that with women competing in the workforce, price escalation for just about everything has gone through the roof. Two-earner families outbid single earners for housing, cars, private schools, etc. So now you basically need two incomes to lead a middle class existence. Which means the role of “man of the house” is split. It’s like Kim Jong Il and Osama Bin Ladin being co-presidents of the Music Appreciation Club. You’re tired from working. Your wife’s tired from working. You’r both stressed out. The little camera in the bear caught the nanny going through your shit. Your kids are ugly and stupid and don’t particularly like you.

5. No new pussy. I think this is really the hardest one. And it’s so difficult for women to understand. Because for most women, sex with someone they know and have had sex with is much better than sex with a stranger. Their partner knows the stroke they like, how to hit the spot, they don’t have to worry about STD’s or being considered a slut, or their body image issues. For men, it’s totally opposite. New pussy is better than old pussy just because it’s new. So by getting married, we are contractually agreeing to give up one of the things that makes live worth living. Now as you get older, it becomes less important, and you learn to focus and sacrifice for someone else because they’re sacrificing something for you. Also, women get hornier as they get older, so what they lack in thrill value, perhaps they make up for in quantity. The problem is women also get significantly less attractive with age. While black women tend to o much better than other races, there can still be a significant downturn. Especially with the exercise habits and natural baby weight some women put on, they just get kinda gross.

But as much as these factors may play into a culture wide shit away from men seeking marriage, I think there’s still hope for middle class black folks especially because we want ourselves and our kids to succeed and one of the best ways to do that is to get hitched up. It does take sacrificing a lot, but I think if women and men talked about the sacrifices that need to get made by the parties ahead of time and planned for them, marriages would be off to a much better start. How are we going to split money. Just a joint account, or joint account plus spending money for both of us? If so, is that divided by income? What happens if one of us gets fat? What happens if one of us loses our sex drive or ability? Who’s responsible for what housey things? Talk it out, people, make it work. Shalom!


I asked her what tribe you with, red dot or feather? Actually, I didnt, that would have sounded mad racist

I asked her "what tribe you with, red dot or feather?" Actually, I didn't, that would have sounded mad racist

So as you may know, your boy B St. Arruh is getting a little long in the tooth. Not the young buck I once was. I’m one of those people who now have to ask others what popular slang means, and I think it sounds silly, because back in my day, we called it….And then will misuse it in a sentence. “Yep. really wavey right now. I’m on a boat. It’s pretty nice.” Yeah, I’m that guy. And as with most guys my age, we start thinking about marriage more and more seriously. Fortunately, there’s been no shortage of news in the media related to marriage in the past couple weeks. So the next couple issues, we’re going to delve a little further into this marriage thing. There’s been some good stuff out there as far as whether men really want to get married in the first place, why some people have such miserable marriages, and of course, why Richard Jefferson skipped town on his little bride. We’ll get into that later.

But what about actually getting into a marriage. I mean is dating the way we go about it really the best way? You put on your good shirt. Grab your boys and go out to whatever the happening nightspot is, drink lots of alcohol, flirt with women, and then go out on dates with them. You start having sex, and she asks where this is going. Not wanting to give up easy access to sex as you please, you decide you can deal with her personality and on balance like her as a person, so you make her your girlfriend. You keep at this for however long, until the shine wears off and one of you decides it’s time to head for greener pastures, leaving the other heartbroken and destroyed. Cars are keyed, vases are thrown, but after a brief mourning period, you rinse and repeat. You do this for a while until you’re too old to go to those same clubs and you don’t understand the slang anymore and the parental units start dropping hints that they’d like a grandchild to spoil. And by then you happen to be dating someone, and they pretty much meet your qualifications. You can overlook whatever (insert bad habit, crippling personality flaw, disgusting physical feature, etc here). And there you go.

I was having dinner with some corporate folks the other day and my econ professor was there, and somewhere into the third bottle of wine, we got into the topic of marriage and he suggested we try the Indian method of marriage. As an economist, he was familiar with the divorce rates, and thought it would be a perfect solution to the marriage woes in our country. Woah, woah, woah. Arranged marriages? That goes against everything that’s good and right with this country! It’s anti-American, anti freedom, and anti-apple pie! We don’t want your Al Qaeda marriages over here! But then, one of my friends, who is Indian, explained what actually happens. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not so much that parents barter their daughter away for a negotiated number of cows, and delightful silk Saaris, so much as they act as sort of an advanced level matchmaker. When their yung’uns are of marriage age, they find out who in their circle has a similar age yung’un and they set them up on a date. The two actually do in fact date, but they do it a hyperaccelerated velocity compared to the American manner. The first date is often something akin to a pre merger due dilligence meeting. Making sure the other person is of the same bent, social class, and general wavelength. You find out what their occupation is, how much money they make, how many kids they want. Things that we think of as terribly rude to bring up on a first date, but think about, it. I mean these are all dealmakers or dealbreakers in a marriage, so why would we continue on if the answers are wrong. If you make it to the hird date, your fourth is pretty much picking out rings at Zales. From an NYMAg article a few years ago from an Indian woman:

I’ve never heard from an Indian man the New York beg-off phrase “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now. I have a lot of things going on in my life.”Indian men also seem to share my belief that Westerners have made the progression toward marriage unnecessarily agonizing. Neal, a 35-year-old Indian lawyer I know, thinks it’s absurd how a couple in America can date for years and still not know if they want to get married. “I think I would only need a couple of months to get to know a girl before I married her,” he says.

In more traditional arranged marriages—which are still very much alive and well in India—couples may get only one or two meetings before their wedding day. In America, and in big Indian cities, a couple may get a few months before they are expected to walk down the aisle, or around the fire, as they do seven times, in keeping with Hindu custom.

But I’m not sure how well that would work out here. I think to some degree Indians are much more pragmatic. They get married because it’s the thing to do to start a family and they learn to love each other. They go into marriage seeing it as a duty and something to work at, whereas we have these hollywood-fueled dreams of passion, romance, and the best sex we’ve ever had with someone who’s more attractive, smarter, and sexier than anyone else in the world. I’ll talk about how narcissism kills relationships later. But for the purpose of this conversation, it means we’re always on the hunt for a better deal. We dismiss people from our relationship lives for the most insignificant of reasons. Too short, too fat, not good looking enough, doesn’t dress well enough, yada ya yada ya. If the dude ain’t Barack, and the chick ain’t Beyonce, we throw them back into the river because there’s always the chance something better will come along.



For some Indians, the conundrum is exacerbated by the fact that our parents had no choice for a partner; the only choice was how hard they’d work to be happy. My father saw my mother once before they got married. He loves to shock Americans by recounting how he lost sight of her at a bazaar the day after their wedding and lamented to himself that he would never find her again, as he’d forgotten what she looked like. So while we, as modern Indian women, eschew the idea of marrying without love, the idea that we’re being too picky tends to nag even more than it otherwise would.

What I do like about the idea though, is the ruthless efficiency of it. We’ve all wasted time, years maybe even, dealing with a person who we knew we wouldn’t end up with. Is this not the definition of insanity? I mean, I’ve done it. It seemed fine at the time. It was comfortable, and you like the person well enough, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I broke up with a girl once, and she couldn’t understand why. We had such a great time and all, but I explained that I didn’t see a future. She was like, “well, it’s not like we have to get married or anything.” And I started thinking, well if I’m going to not date other people, and we both know this isn’t going to work out, then well, what are we doing? So, from now on, I’m going Indian dating. I’m only going to date women I could see myself getting married to. If not, I will explain to them that their other options are friendship or casual sex, or neither, and they can go about their business while I try to find a more suitable wife. Who will join me?

Thts fried chicken, curried chicken, damn Im getting fat.

Tht's fried chicken, curried chicken, damn I'm getting fat.