Posts Tagged ‘misery’

Dont do it! Reconsider! Read some liter...!

"Don't do it! Reconsider! Read some liter...!"

So last week, we talked about using Indian Style dating to get out of this ircular strategy of dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons. You’ve found the one you want to be with, and by jove, man, they want to be with you too. You plan an elegant yet understated affair, whose pictures will be ruined by your tacky second cousin showing up in a pastel orange suit with a powder blue tie looking for all intents and purposes like the Syracuse Orangemen mascot or perhaps Ricard Petty’s pit crew chief.

From the 1998 Steve Harvey Collection. Ascot sold separately

From the 1998 Steve Harvey Collection. Ascot sold separately

But it was a lovely ceremony and now you’re going to live happily ever after, right? Fuck naw! Statistically at least, your marriage is likely to be a soul-crushing exercise in crippling boredom, spite, and passive-aggressive power struggles. That’s according to a couple new articles out here. Enjoy:

“I love my husband” said Shanna Woodbury of their marriage. “But I feel so overworked and underappreciated. I work full-time like my husband, but if I don’t maintain the domestic responsibilities of the house, nothing gets done. Added to that, I manage our rental properties and take care of everything for our kids, alone.”

Her husband started to echo similar frustrations.

“I’m faithful to my wife, I give her my whole paycheck but I work the late shift and my job is demanding. When I come home, I don’t need to hear her mouth — I just need to watch my favorite football game in peace.”

Shanna grows more overwhelmed, tempers flare and the two begin arguing more and listening less. Tension took over their home and their fighting began to take a toll on the rest of the family, resulting in disciplinary issues with the kids.”

Sounds like a heap of fune. Or how about this, from the Atlantic, written by a woman freshly divorced:

While a Rutgers study suggests that only 38 percent of married people in America describe themselves as happy, we stay married for many good reasons. Take, for instance, the otherwise unaffordability of homeownership.

Some of us stay married because we’re in competition with our divorcing 1960s and 1970s parents, who made such a hash of it. What looks appealing to us now, in an increasingly frenetic, digital world, is the 1950s marriage. Writes Karen Karbo, in Generation Ex, reminiscing about her mother’s evening routine of serving old-fashioneds to her dad by the pool:

At the turn of the millennium, our marriages and remarriages bear almost no resemblance to these single-paycheck, cocktail-hour unions. Once considered sexist and monotonous, these staid marriages are emblems of an easier time. What seemed too dull and constricting a mere fifteen years ago now looks luxurious, like those huge gas-guzzling cars with all that chrome and the tuck-and-roll seats.

Some of us stay married because along with fancy schools, tae kwan do lessons, and home-cooked organic food, the two-parent marriage is another impressive—and rare—attainment to bestow on our fragile, gifted children.

Some of us stay married because … what else is there? A lonely apartment and a hot plate?

That said, it’s clear that females are dissatisfied—more and more, divorce seems to be initiated by women. If marriage is the Old World and what lies beyond is the New World, it’s the apparently stable men (comfortable alone in their postfeminist den with their Cook’s Illustrated and their porn) who are Old Worlders, and the Girls’ Night Out, questionnaire-completing women who are the questing New Worlders. They most embody what Tocqueville described as America’s “restless temper,” or l’inquiétude du caractère. (Interestingly, according to EnlightenNext magazine, some northern European women are reportedly eschewing their progressive northern European male counterparts and dating Muslims, who are more like “real men.”)

To work, to parent, to housekeep, to be the ones who schedule “date night,” only to be reprimanded in the home by male kitchen bitches, and then, in the bedroom, to be ignored—it’s a bum deal. And then our women’s magazines exhort us to rekindle the romance. You rarely see men’s magazines exhorting men to rekindle the romance.

Sounds pretty shitty. The interesting stat there was that only 38% of married couples are happy. And knowing the 50% divorce, it almost makes you wonder, what are your chances here? And why are these numbers so appalling? Everyone I know wants to get married, men and women alike. they all say, they’re only going to get married once, won’t cheat on their spouse, and it will be a lovely time. But someone here is lying. And if they really wanted to get married that bad, wouldn’t they be already. I’m beginning to think that people are starting to realize that what people envision married life to be is for the most part a fantasy promoted by endless romantic comedies and trite love songs. In all truth, single life is probably much better than married life. I mean, think about it. No more threesomes with drunk college girls. You can’t buy that Porsche you wanted because you need a minivan to haul around a shitload of toys for junior. Your woman is most likely going to get fatter. And lazier in the bedroom. And stop wearing lingerie to bed and throwing that rag on your head. And then harass you about where you were last night with Darryl and them. Ladies, your man’s hair is gonna start falling out. He’s going to get a beer gut and a limpy from all that drinking and fried food he gets from poeyes since you’re too tired to cook. He’s going to trip every time some other man gives you the slightest bit of attention. But he’s not going to fuck you either, because his sex drive has gone to zero with all the stress at work and your sagging bitties.

Oooh, I hate you!

"Oooh, I hate you!"

I’m just playig devil’s advocate above, but let’s be honest, that does happen to a lot of people. So how does one keep a marriage intact, fun, and productive? I mean, I know it can be done, I’ve seen it.

1. Marry the right TYPE of person:

Why Him? Why Her? explains the hormonal forces that trigger humans to be romantically attracted to some people and not to others (a phenomenon also documented in the animal world). Fisher posits that each of us gets dosed in the womb with different levels of hormones that impel us toward one of four basic personality types:

The Explorer—the libidinous, creative adventurer who acts “on the spur of the moment.” Operative neurochemical: dopamine.

The Builder—the much calmer person who has “traditional values.” The Builder also “would rather have loyal friends than interesting friends,” enjoys routines, and places a high priority on taking care of his or her possessions. Operative neurotransmitter: serotonin.

The Director—the “analytical and logical” thinker who enjoys a good argument. The Director wants to discover all the features of his or her new camera or computer. Operative hormone: testosterone.

The Negotiator—the touchy-feely communicator who imagines “both wonderful and horrible things happening” to him- or herself. Operative hormone: estrogen, then oxytocin.

Fisher reviewed personality data from 39,913 members of Explorers made up 26 percent of the sample, Builders 28.6 percent, Directors 16.3 percent, Negotiators 29.1 percent. While Explorers tend to be attracted to Explorers, and Builders tend to be attracted to Builders, Directors are attracted to Negotiators, and vice versa.

I’m an Explorer. I need to find another Explorer. See, I’ve already knocked oy 74% of the population who won’t fit.

2. Stop letting yourself go Unless your husband’s a chubby chaser, he will be disgusted by your body if you gain 15 or more pounds. Fellas, if you never take your wife out, some young dude with a cougar complex will and trendy jeans will. Maintan yourself.

3. Marry a good looking person It’s hard enough for a couple to stay faithful just because of sheer boredom. They’re doing the same tricks over and over, and the novelty wears off. But at least if they look good, it might be still be a good trick. It’s like having an old car. that 1979 Porsche 930 may be old as shit, and not quite handle like it used to, but when you shine it up, you can still appreciate its beauty and be proud to own it. That 1984 Dodge K-car, not so much. Be prepared to pay for the Porsche.And yeah, they’re gonna be a little more high maintenance, it’s worth it.

Still fine after all these years

Still fine after all these years"You shole is ugly!"

4. A man room For man stuff. And a woman place in the house for their shit. Have your own identity and your own thing going on. Just cause you’re married doesn’t mena you cease to exist as an individual. Uness you’re both co-dependent. That’s fine then

5. Agree about sex I think people just assume that the same level of humping that occurs during the first getting to know you phase is going to last perpetually. I don’t think it does. And no one talks about it. You’ll talk about money, religion, and all the other gamebreakers, but no one has a game plan for one of the top two marriage-killers. Figure out how often you need it, how often they need it, what to do if one partner gets less attractive, or wants to get some side action, whether or not all that freaky shit y’all used to do is going to disappear once you’re legally bound, what to do if he gets ED, or if she goes through those weird hormonal thingies, etc. There should be a plan here, people. If you’ve covered #3, you’re already ahead of the curve.

6. I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve never been married. I’ve just recently been in a relationship over a year in duration for the first time. If you’re listening to what I’m saying, you’re stupid. Like learning to drive from an Asian person or something. What’s wrong with you? But seriously, what are your thoughts, both those who are married and those just thinking about it?

I asked her what tribe you with, red dot or feather? Actually, I didnt, that would have sounded mad racist

I asked her "what tribe you with, red dot or feather?" Actually, I didn't, that would have sounded mad racist

So as you may know, your boy B St. Arruh is getting a little long in the tooth. Not the young buck I once was. I’m one of those people who now have to ask others what popular slang means, and I think it sounds silly, because back in my day, we called it….And then will misuse it in a sentence. “Yep. really wavey right now. I’m on a boat. It’s pretty nice.” Yeah, I’m that guy. And as with most guys my age, we start thinking about marriage more and more seriously. Fortunately, there’s been no shortage of news in the media related to marriage in the past couple weeks. So the next couple issues, we’re going to delve a little further into this marriage thing. There’s been some good stuff out there as far as whether men really want to get married in the first place, why some people have such miserable marriages, and of course, why Richard Jefferson skipped town on his little bride. We’ll get into that later.

But what about actually getting into a marriage. I mean is dating the way we go about it really the best way? You put on your good shirt. Grab your boys and go out to whatever the happening nightspot is, drink lots of alcohol, flirt with women, and then go out on dates with them. You start having sex, and she asks where this is going. Not wanting to give up easy access to sex as you please, you decide you can deal with her personality and on balance like her as a person, so you make her your girlfriend. You keep at this for however long, until the shine wears off and one of you decides it’s time to head for greener pastures, leaving the other heartbroken and destroyed. Cars are keyed, vases are thrown, but after a brief mourning period, you rinse and repeat. You do this for a while until you’re too old to go to those same clubs and you don’t understand the slang anymore and the parental units start dropping hints that they’d like a grandchild to spoil. And by then you happen to be dating someone, and they pretty much meet your qualifications. You can overlook whatever (insert bad habit, crippling personality flaw, disgusting physical feature, etc here). And there you go.

I was having dinner with some corporate folks the other day and my econ professor was there, and somewhere into the third bottle of wine, we got into the topic of marriage and he suggested we try the Indian method of marriage. As an economist, he was familiar with the divorce rates, and thought it would be a perfect solution to the marriage woes in our country. Woah, woah, woah. Arranged marriages? That goes against everything that’s good and right with this country! It’s anti-American, anti freedom, and anti-apple pie! We don’t want your Al Qaeda marriages over here! But then, one of my friends, who is Indian, explained what actually happens. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not so much that parents barter their daughter away for a negotiated number of cows, and delightful silk Saaris, so much as they act as sort of an advanced level matchmaker. When their yung’uns are of marriage age, they find out who in their circle has a similar age yung’un and they set them up on a date. The two actually do in fact date, but they do it a hyperaccelerated velocity compared to the American manner. The first date is often something akin to a pre merger due dilligence meeting. Making sure the other person is of the same bent, social class, and general wavelength. You find out what their occupation is, how much money they make, how many kids they want. Things that we think of as terribly rude to bring up on a first date, but think about, it. I mean these are all dealmakers or dealbreakers in a marriage, so why would we continue on if the answers are wrong. If you make it to the hird date, your fourth is pretty much picking out rings at Zales. From an NYMAg article a few years ago from an Indian woman:

I’ve never heard from an Indian man the New York beg-off phrase “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now. I have a lot of things going on in my life.”Indian men also seem to share my belief that Westerners have made the progression toward marriage unnecessarily agonizing. Neal, a 35-year-old Indian lawyer I know, thinks it’s absurd how a couple in America can date for years and still not know if they want to get married. “I think I would only need a couple of months to get to know a girl before I married her,” he says.

In more traditional arranged marriages—which are still very much alive and well in India—couples may get only one or two meetings before their wedding day. In America, and in big Indian cities, a couple may get a few months before they are expected to walk down the aisle, or around the fire, as they do seven times, in keeping with Hindu custom.

But I’m not sure how well that would work out here. I think to some degree Indians are much more pragmatic. They get married because it’s the thing to do to start a family and they learn to love each other. They go into marriage seeing it as a duty and something to work at, whereas we have these hollywood-fueled dreams of passion, romance, and the best sex we’ve ever had with someone who’s more attractive, smarter, and sexier than anyone else in the world. I’ll talk about how narcissism kills relationships later. But for the purpose of this conversation, it means we’re always on the hunt for a better deal. We dismiss people from our relationship lives for the most insignificant of reasons. Too short, too fat, not good looking enough, doesn’t dress well enough, yada ya yada ya. If the dude ain’t Barack, and the chick ain’t Beyonce, we throw them back into the river because there’s always the chance something better will come along.



For some Indians, the conundrum is exacerbated by the fact that our parents had no choice for a partner; the only choice was how hard they’d work to be happy. My father saw my mother once before they got married. He loves to shock Americans by recounting how he lost sight of her at a bazaar the day after their wedding and lamented to himself that he would never find her again, as he’d forgotten what she looked like. So while we, as modern Indian women, eschew the idea of marrying without love, the idea that we’re being too picky tends to nag even more than it otherwise would.

What I do like about the idea though, is the ruthless efficiency of it. We’ve all wasted time, years maybe even, dealing with a person who we knew we wouldn’t end up with. Is this not the definition of insanity? I mean, I’ve done it. It seemed fine at the time. It was comfortable, and you like the person well enough, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I broke up with a girl once, and she couldn’t understand why. We had such a great time and all, but I explained that I didn’t see a future. She was like, “well, it’s not like we have to get married or anything.” And I started thinking, well if I’m going to not date other people, and we both know this isn’t going to work out, then well, what are we doing? So, from now on, I’m going Indian dating. I’m only going to date women I could see myself getting married to. If not, I will explain to them that their other options are friendship or casual sex, or neither, and they can go about their business while I try to find a more suitable wife. Who will join me?

Thts fried chicken, curried chicken, damn Im getting fat.

Tht's fried chicken, curried chicken, damn I'm getting fat.