Posts Tagged ‘the pick-up artist’

Not for nothing, never happen, I be forever macking

Not for nothing, never happen, I be forever macking

So in this continuation of the Manlaw series, I want to talk to folks about actually meeting women. A simple activity which has become tremendously overcomplicated by both men and women. I was talking to a friend of mine and she’s been bugging me about writing something regarding the proper etiquette in meeting a woman because of her experience at the Park last week, a Negro hangout spot in DC, wherein she claims she was grabbed about like a rag doll the entire time. I wasn’t there but seems plausible. See, the whole grabbing thing is bad macking. There’s a ton of things actually which are bad macking, and we know they’re bad macking. We do them anyway, either because we’re lazy, or because it’s just what’s done. Now, a caveat. I’m not Mystery from the Pick-Up artist. I’m not a professional mack. I’m probably not even a particularly good one. But I have been fortunate enough to have dated what I think are some of the most quality women in this country. Really great women who I’m glad to have shared time with. And as a fairly newly single person, re-entering a new(ish) city, this is a good exercise for me as well. That said, summer’s about to be over. Folks ain’t trying to be out in these streets like that in the Cold November Rain. The time for action is now, my friends (John McCain voice). So here are some brief tips:

1. Choose your stage: The boy Jozen wrote an excellent piece a few days ago on places where the fine women are. I know “the club” is the default place to meet and mack women, but go back carefully and look at your dating history. How many women that you’ve actually had sustainable successful relationships did you actually meet “in the club?”  As a rule, the club was not created for people to meet each other and form romantic relationships. The club was designed for people with menial careers to go somewhere and live out their high school fantasies of being popular and important. The club is merely the adult version of a grade school playground, with the same social hierarchies, jockeying for position, and attempts at making oneself seem more important. And real talk, it’s not that easy to form a lasting bond or impression when you’re five Tequilas down, she’s three Long Islands up, and Gucci Mane and Jeezy are yelling for you to be ignorant at ear-shattering volumes. Beyond that, many of OUR people (elitism) shun the club because we realy don’t need or want to spend a whole lot of time wading through people who won’t get us in the hope that someone else of our stature has similarly lowered themselves to come here.

The truth of the matter is, the whole world is a proverbial ho stroll. You just have to figure out where the women you want are at and end up there. The key being to not waste a whole lot of time and effort going to places where your constituency doesn’t exist. A few of good places:

1. The hardware store: Women here tend to own homes, or at least keep their apartments nice

2. Midday downtown: These broads have jobs and go to lunch. Like shooting fish in a barrel

3. Whole Foods: Women here care about their health and well-being

4. Book Stores/Coffee Shops: They can read

These places also work well, because there’s a built in conversation. What are you reading? Oh, I love Barilla Pasta. Are you painting your bedroom that color? Boom, easy.

Many Men to meet, Much fat to chew

Many Men to meet, Much fat to chew

2. Presentation You never get a second chance to make a first impression is the old saying. And when people think game, they think mouthpiece. Enh. Wrong. Game begins the moment you walk in somewhere. 70% or something of communication is non-verbal. The play doesn’t start at the point you’ve mustered up the liquor courage to go deliver that brilliant opening line of yours. How you look, your posture, your body language determine where you start on the field. Now you can come through with one of those Devin Hester returns for the TD, in which case all you have to do when you open your mouth is kick the extra point….

orrrrrr you can get a whole lot of penalty flags and try to dig your way out from your own goal line. Which would you prefer? Right. I’m a fan of simplicity myself. The Affliction tattoo t-shirts and the big skull belt buckles and all that, it may work some places, but I find a nice watch, some good quality shoes, and a white or black button up does the job every time with the crowd I’m going for. Me being me, I also enjoy a tacky but very well cut blazer in some material or color not found in nature. That’s just what works for me. I was actually at an event this weekend, and in the middle of our conversation, the young lady looked directly down at my shoes. Like unapologetically. She approved. Personal style is a personal deal, so whatever you feel comfortable in, do that. If you feel comfortable, you’ll act comfortable. And no woman can’t dig that. Dressing well doesn’t have to be expensive. It’s a recession, there’s always a sale on somewhere. Also, wearing a three piece suit in a lounge on Saturday with Versace shades typically makes women think you’re pretentious, not business-like. At least loosen the tie.

YOU could be part of this stable. Choose, bi**h!

YOU could be part of this stable. Choose, bi**h!

3. Bring Sand to the Beach The best way to get a good deal on a Ferrari is to drive up to the dealership in a Lamborghini. Half the reticence women have about talking to guys (is he lame, crazy, dangerous, broke, etc.) go out the window if you’re with one or more attractive women. You’re pre-approved if you show up with cute chicks.If it’s a velvet rope door situation, again, matching up with some chicks in line makes your night a lot smoother.

4. Pull your balls up Quit whining about how these women act and go interact. Not every conversation has to be a pick up. nd frankly, the most productive conversations are just two people (or more) talking about a subject of mutual interest. If some women are having a conversation, go find out what they hollering about. If you see a girl alone by the bar, smile and say hi. I wave at women all the time. They almost always wave back. And that opens the door to conversation later. But standing on the wall sucking down your drink or waiting for women to pass by to grab them like an Octopus doesn’t really work too well.

5. Be your best self Not what you think she wants to see. You might want to play Mr. Sensitive and she really wants a dude who will “punch her in the throat and tell her it’s time to fuck” (yes, a woman actually did say this was what she wanted in a man. Seriously). Don’t try to get on her level, talk about the things that you’re interested in that she may share. If there’s no commonality, no need to force it or pretend you’re into water polo. Dating is ruthlessly inefficient, and very few of the people we meet are going to be potential long run partners. If you and a woman have some things in common and will get along, it’ll be evident fairly early. You being you will help you click with this person, not hurt it. Showing you’re human and not some self-aggrandizing caricature will do much more to create a bond than just showing off your assets or trying to sell a dream. Feel free to cut your losses with a nice handshake and a “nice to meet you” if it ain’t going nowhere.

Not gonna happen, LeRoy

Not gonna happen, LeRoy

6. Don’t make a buffoon out of yourself if she’s not responsive. You have no idea why a woman may have rejected you. She may have a dude, an STD she’s embarrassed about, a bad day, or a bad attitude. Or she just may not be into you. Trying to one up her by then getting mad at her or downplaying her is just immature. We’re men, we roll with punches. Stop being all sensitive. You don’t see the Lion badmouthing the gazelle that got away: “You wasn’t that delicious anyway, bitch! With your short ass horns!” Yeah, Mufasa doesn’t really do all that. He just moves on. And it saves him the embarrassment of looking whiny and spiteful, unmannish qualities both.

7. Social macking Realistically, one of the best ways to get to know people is through the people you already know. A lot of women make this something of a precondition, whether they tell you that or not. And since most valuable women don’t have a lot of time, they’re spending it with their existing friends, not aimlessly wandering Adams Morgan or Lenox mall. That said, your reputation becomes exceedingly important in a close knit circle. If you’re trifling, it’ll get around. If you’re fun and caring, it’ll get around too. DC people with your small ass communities, I’m talking to you.

8. No drink buying. This may run counter to a lot of what you may have heard or seen, but don’t buy them girls drinks off the break. Make them earn it. Seriously, if someone needs you to put $12 up to have a conversation with them, the conversation isn’t going to be that good. If things are going well, and you want to do something nice once you’ve established a bond, that’s cool, but I’ve been in situations a million times where you’ll see a guy working hard at the bar plying a chick with drinks, and when he pulls out his phoen to put the number in, he gets that “sorry, I have a boyfriend” routine. Women may say they see drink buying as chivalry, but a lot of them also see it as weakness. If you’re willing to buy them something without any indication of what type of person they are, you’re probably a trick.

Feel free to add your own. This is a learning process for me too.

Glad I didnt take no for an answer

Glad I didn't take no for an answer

So I’ve decided a new series is in order. And it centers around what it hink is the most fundamental issue affecting not just black relationships, but relationships period: Communication. Let’s face it, men and women communicate in different ways. Now, I haven’t read the 5 Love Languages, but I think I will. Because I, like pretty much everyone else in the world, sometimes gets confused by what the opposite sex is trying to tell me. They’re trying to tell me something, I’m trying to listen, and yet the intended message gets lost in the mix. And sometimes I try to say something, she tries to listen, but still, we come to no conclusion. So let’s talk about it.

One of the things I hear over and over again from upper and middle class black women is that their male peers aren’t approaching them. They’re not “putting in any work.” Says the homette, Pass Me a Shovel,

So what’s up with these college-educated dudes, anyway? The ones who got them a lil piece of paper, and want to act like their shit is the freshest thing since Wild Honeysuckle and Butterfly Flower hit the shelves at Bath N Body Works. You’ve seen them around. You can usually find them standing along the wall, or in VIP at the clubs with their supastunna shades on, their button-downs, or the relic-style fitted tees with jeans and shiny sharp shoes, trying their damnest to emulate the “coolest muthafucka on the planet!”

Dancing? Oh no, they don’t dance. Didn’t you get the memo? They’re too good for that. And buy you a drink? Are you KIDDING them? It’s the 00’s (that sounds lame – we gotta come up with another description for our generation, btw) – YOU buy THEM a drink. “A Long Island, please”… Do you want a little umbrella straw and a lemon to go with that, you siddity BASTARD!

But about 65% of the time I’ve gone out in the Midwest, I’ve faced the same problem: dudes with a stick (or maybe a dick) up their asses. These are dudes that I would call high maintenance. They’re educated and rather accomplished, well groomed, with a bit of swag, and they even look decent. But they all seem to have a problem with approaching women….or maybe they don’t want to?…. While the women are all out on the dance floor, these dudes are just posted up on the sidelines, drinks in hand, observing. And if you happen to catch their eye, they will stare you down, and never approach you.

Damn these conceited bastards. Who do they think they are not approaching their beautiful black queens. Simple enough, no? But wait. From Absolut Brooke

“please observe obvious signs that the woman is not interested. there is NOTHING worse than a man who is a fucking pest, and following you around the parking lot. you look desperate and lame.”

Um, I mean, that’s fair. OK. Maybe I’ll try out this lounge here. From Josie in the City

“It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my girlfriend’s, because I absolutely do but at times, when we go out to a nice lounge, I don’t want to watch any of my girlfriend’s lose her sense of self when an “Alpha male” walks through the door. My mood takes a turn for the uncomfortable if there is any outlandish behavior being exhibited by one of the ladies. There is nothing that puts me off quicker than seeing one of the chica’s trolling for men….

All I am saying is that I would love to have some girlfriend time without some lounge lizard thinking he is going to get lucky that night with some hoo hoo action. Not with these ladies you’re not. So beat it. Scram. Move along lounge lizard. These seats are taken and no, we don’t care if you think you “know us from somewhere.” Puleeease.”

Oh. Well, sorry, I was just trying to meet some new people.  Sorry for bothering you.Let’s see what Daydreamer had to say

I’m sorry that I refuse to settle, and meeting my potential husband at a bar, club or party is unacceptable (and settling.)

Call me paranoid but the club scene is not like a bar at Cheers where everybody knows your name. If I am out with the gals for the night, it’s just me and them. Mixing and mingling may get flirty and fun but the buck has to stop somewhere. I have seen too many 11 o’clock news flashes about some bridge & tunnel chick going missing from a local club and her body is found floating in the Hudson. Extreme, maybe. But am I alive? Yes.

In my opinion, meeting my mate in a respectable place kills a lot of speculation and pre-judgment. Recently my homegirls and I entertained the idea of exotic dancing to keep a man happy. We wanted to get a few lessons and take notes on how to this, so what better place than where it’s done live and in living color? We headed to the strip club and I learned first hand that the strip club has become much less about the women swinging on the poles, but more of a social event for the opposite sexes. I was shocked. So sure I meet nice guy A there but WHERE did I meet him? Strip Club. Right. A ton of questions fill my head: What sort of connotation does this place have? Is this where we spends his ‘spare’ time? Did he come here to mack to women? Hmmmm.

There are a couple exceptions to my rule. If I’m attending a club or bar for an event like a private birthday party and I meet a nice guy, I’ll take him seriously. I am also very comfortable with exchanging info at house parties, too — as long as I know the host. The same can be said for professional networking events or group dinners/outings. I always like to have a POR (point of reference).

This POR must be someone I trust and how I can call a) if the guy cuts the fool; or b) to ask a few key background questions. Just as my Mama taught me not to talk to strangers, I don’t exchange info with strange men. Yes, that is what a random man at a bar is— strange.

Well damn. You’ll excuse us if after reading through some of those comments, we feel like women would rather be waterboarded and then sodomized with a plunger than have a man approach them. A lot is made of the dichotomy between how more shall we say “hood” types are willing to approach any woman any time. This is usually said with an odd mixture of both disdain and quiet respect. So here’s why I imagine there’s some hesitance on the part of the upper crusty black dude to put himself out here like that too much:

1. It’s a small world If you’re a bouge, and he’s a bouge, guess what. You either know each other or know some of the same people. So unless he’s fairly certain you’re interested, the consequences of a holler gone wrong can be pretty far reaching. One, you’re going to embarass him at the time and place. Two, you’re going to tell your friends, which will embarass him further. And Three, when your cute friend who actually may be interested in him asks about him, you’ll reply with the “girl, please. He tried to holler at me at Kwabuki’s event.” And since y’all have that rule about dating people who’ve tried to holler at your friends, denied. We’re pragmatic people, women.

2. Professional Haters Not a lot of you, but some of you all take an inodinate amount of joy in shutting dudes down who try to talk to you. It’s probably more of a young thing, and to some degree, a lower class thing, but it exists. This is the chick that’s rude to you for no reason when you say hi, or who has a smart ass response to anything you might have to say. Everyone has to get their self-esteem from somewhere, this just ain’t really a productive way to go about it.

3. Fear of bug-a-booness There are a lot of really great girls out there. And a lot of great guys that are interested in them. But every single day, I see someone getting summerjam screened on twitter or FB of Gchat for “calling too much,” “not getting the hint”, or some other similar phrase for “fuck off.” Maybe it’s the fault of social media, but there’s no glory anymore in wooing ,courting, and winning a woman’s love. Only embarassment and scoffing at the attempt to do so.

I mean, I would love to hear a Barack/Michelle story from our generation, but I just don’t see a lot of it. And in this age where so many people think they are their public persona (quietly, no one really cares. You was who you was fore you got here), there’s added disincentive to go out on a limb.

So, on this one, I’m going to encourage the fellas to give a  little more brass tacks. The Michelles might be a little harder to crack than the thirsty chick who you know is going to give you some play, but maybe she’s worth it. A little light stalking never killed anyone. Heavy stalking, a slightly different story, perhaps. Ladies, you have to carry your game however you feel. I can’t make this decision for you. But I will say this, put yourself on too high of a pedestal, and no one’s going to break out the trampoline to make a leap at it. Happy Hunting.

Stay Thirsty my friends. Thirsty for manwhoring

Stay Thirsty my friends. Thirsty for manwhoring

So I asked a question on Twitter the other day and I was really surprised by the answers I got.  And I think it’s a question many men my age (Late 20’s, early 30’s) are asking themselves right about now. It’s simple: Two or three more years of hardcore manwhoring or start looking for a wife. I mean, according to the good people at P.O.S.H, I’m fast approaching my expiration date.

Talented Black Man syndrome is affecting men all over America.  Many of you all believe you have all the time in the world to find the one and women are the only one with clocks .  Sorry playas, you have an expiration date too.  After awhile, your man weight starts to catch up to you and you begin to lose a little of that shiny attractive wrapper that had women throwing their panties at you harder than that Hail Mary pass during the last 10 seconds of the Superbowl.  Guess what, while counting your money and polishing the awards on your desk, you just turned into the old dude at the club.  New booty runs away from you and only gives you pity dances.

Soon apparently, my belly will have dunlapped over the dress belt on my dad jeans, my hairline will start receding, and I’ll be the old guy in the club with the leather vest doing the two step and hitting on young girls. Fortunately, that day is two to three years away (I hope). So in the meantime, what do we do? Seek out the solace, love, and comfort of finding the one? Or rip into the women of this city like Lindsay Lohan at an all you can snort buffet at a Columbian wedding?

Surprisingly, than answer I got from women: Coke buffet. Get it outta your system, they say. Much like Prince Hakeem, it seems that sowing one’s royal oats is considered a perfectly acceptable pastime in principle. But in reality, while I think it’s easy to say that they support it, for a lot of women, I think the reality isn’t as cut and dried as they think. As I’ve seen on the blogs lately, there’s a lot of frustration about the lack of available marriage-able men, and the list is always as follows:  “either gay, in jail, or a manwhore.” So to some degree I don’t know that manwhoring wouldn’t be a slight slap in the face to these lovely women who dream of bridezilla like weddings and blinding their jealous friends with their emerald cut engagement ring.

And yet, no one wants to go into a lifelong commitment feeling like they missed out. And the truth of the matter is, if I were to get married tomorrow, I would be giving up the excitement, variety, and thrill of dating multiple people. Obviously, for the right woman, it’s a fair compromise. But I doubt any woman would really want to go into a marriage with me if she thought in the back of her mind, “he really would rather be hanging from the rafters in Vegas, with no shirt on in the club, spraying the crowd with overpriced champagne.”

I’ve said often part of the reason men my age face this question as opposed to women is just the developmental cyce. Because women peak earlier, they get through the attention whore phase (hopefully) earlier. When they’re 22 and 23, the world’s their oyster and everyone wants them. The old heads are buying you tables at the club, taking you shopping in Miami, and generally letting you live the good life. With us, it ain’t until we’re in our late 20’s that we’re really desired and admired. Once we’ve hit terminal education and have some dough and some accomplishments, that’s when we’ve officially “arrived.” So I think some of the frustration women have with the cycle is just a timing mismatch. Women wonder why we’re enjoying a lifestyle they burned through two years ago. Well, simple, we haven’t gotten our chance yet for the most part.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Now doesn’t that look like fun? I mean, think about it, I’m pretty sure Beyonce is glad that Jay went through that period so he could put it behind him. And now after enjoying himself with disposable video models of all stripe, dot, and feather, he’s settled down with the one he truly wants (or who offers the best power couple dynamics, whatever). Of course, there’s a flip side to the manwhoring argument. Obviously, people succeed at what they focus on. So while focusing on manwhoring, it might be very possible to walk right past “the right one” because the “one right now” has no panties on and a come-hither glance. Worse, while racking up the numbers, the right one may decide that you’re an eternal manwhore and shut the door to future settling down. Or you may fuck her cousin, and that’s always awkward.

So what to do, people, what to do. Choose carefully, as your answer may determine the fate of all men.

Me likey the beach wedding

Me likey the beach wedding