So I’ve decided to be an internet mack

Seriously. I mean, why not? Have you seen the people claiming to be macking experts on the twittah, facebook, myspace, etc? Almost without exception, they’re complete assclowns.

Take this guy for instance.

Is that an Affliction T-shirt?

I followed dude on twitter (back when I was actually on twitter for whatever reason) for a second because a couple of my friends did too. Against my better judgment, I hoped that perhaps there would be valuable relationship/dating advice, or at least interesting commentary. ENHHH! He has a blog called “Breaklamps” (see here for rules to twitter pimping) and Buddy’s entire persona and life is based on berating “myspace models” and bitching about groupies. My guess is, and I could be wrong, is that his borderline sociopathic obsession with girls that take lingerie shots of themselves in the bathroom:

Personally, shit like this here worries me far more:

Why, dawg, why?

is predicated entirely on frustration with his lack of ability to actually have sex with these women. Look, I’m frustrated that I can’t tomahawk dunk like Dwight Howard. But life goes on. For most of us, at least. However, buddy has attempted to create a cottage industry of simultaneously downing internet models, while at the same time, going in on #bathwaterslurpers, which is a phrase he’s codified for male groupies of these internet models. Let me get this straight, slim. You spend four hours a day posting pictures and links to myspace models’ pages and you talk about other people being obsessed with these chicks? Say word. Now, I talked to a fairly popular internet model who had been tweeting her about him. I assumed they knew each other. Apparently, not so much. He just showed up at some event he knew she was hosting, undoubtedly trying to get at her. If she’s telling the truth, he did not succeed. Which doesn’t much sound mackish to me.

Then there’s this fella here:

Now, in fairness, I’ve had dealings with this cat before, and he’s a fairly intelligent guy, and I believe a reasonable man. We had some unpleasantness in certain dealings, but I’ll just chalk that up to him being trying to negotiate the best deal he could. So my beef is not so much with the man, as it is with this character he’s created. He goes by the name “His Royal Flyness” which tells you 87% of the things you need to know already.  He’s written a book called “Myspace to My Place” I shit you not. Planned followups include “From Facebook to Face Down” And “Using Twitter to Hit ‘er.” Kidding. My homegirl he sent the book to said it could have been written by a five year old.  Dude joined a group a while ago that may or may not have been started by yours truly and mentioned in a new book that rhymes with “Snitch is the Few Crack.” Needless to say, when it came to back up the expertise, a lot of excuses were made.

So given the competition in the world of being an internet macking guru, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring. So, since we’re always talking about people’s dating issues, let’s try a couple dating solutions. And for all of its negative connotations,

"You's a rest haven for Hoes!"

Craig Sager, er, I mean Willie Dynamite

the truth is: The road to happy comitted black people always starts with macking. In order for a relationship to form, someone’s gotta nut up and open the conversation. Successfully. SisterToldja said as much here in lamenting the dearth of type A males who go out and mack to women. So here’s a very brief, unscientific set of pointers from your new internet macking guru:

1. Just do it. You can justify to yourself a million different reasons not to approach a woman. “She’s surrounded by her girlfriends”, “I’m shy”, “There are too many people around”, “It would be awkward”, “Them light skinned girls think they better than er’body”, etc.. But like a jump shot, if you don’t try, you won’t score.

2. Just do it alot. 1, it’s good practice, so you’ll get better at it. 2. A lot of relationships come indirectly. You may not make a love connection with old girl, but when her and her crew come to the barbecue you invite them to, her homegirl with the curly fro might just be choosing. Just talk to people without an expectation of an outcome. A lot of time, just being more social leads to good things.

3. Speaking of Choosing…That’s women’s work, not men’s. How many times have you locked in on that one girl in a crew, tried with her, and then crashed and burned. What you didn’t know was that her friend was eyeing you and has low moral standards. When there’s a group of women, actually talk to them before you figure out whether you’ve fallen in love yet.

4. All you have in this life is your word and your balls…And since she doesn’t know if you’re honest or not, all you’ve really got at the opening is your balls. so let em hang low. Mack hard, with pride and confidence. Without apology or doubt. The night I got the most positive female attention in my life, I was wearing a dress. A short dress, at that. When I asked the women I met why they were initially attracted to me, the answer was always something to the effect that they were intrigued by the confidence it takes a straight man to wear a dress. In the same vein:

5. Separate Yourself.. The Phrase, “be yourself” is always thrown around by us internet macking gurus while we’re trying to tell you to do everything different than you normally would. There’s not as much dissonance there as you might think. Because who you “are” and what you show may be two very different things. You may be an artistic, spiritual left of center guy, but standing somewhere in a button up, some loafers, and a low caesar, you kinda fade in with all the other non-artistic, areligious, right wing assholes vying for the same woman’s attention. You’re wearing their uniform. You’re probably using the exact same approach. So, and this is where you have to figure it out for yourself, you’d probably be better off letting a potential mackee know from jump what it is about you that’s not like the others. Are you safe and secure, like a Volvo?  Thrilling and dangerous like a Ferrari? Tough and industrious like an F-150? What’s your value proposition? If you know this, it’s pretty easy to articulate it. Hell, you probably won’t even need to. people will just recognize it. If you’re a little confused, figure it out.

6. Wear an Ascot….I’m fucking kidding. You like a complete dickcheese wearing an ascot. There are three peoople in the world who can get away with wearing an ascot without irony. Two of them live in Monaco. The odds are not with you here.

7. Mack with honor: Don’t sell these hoes dreams. If you know she’s looking to land a husband, and you just want to see what she looks like tied up, don’t lead her on. You may miss out on some tang, but in the end, you’ll be a better person for it.

Happy macking

Manlaw Vol. II: Macking

Not for nothing, never happen, I be forever macking

So in this continuation of the Manlaw series, I want to talk to folks about actually meeting women. A simple activity which has become tremendously overcomplicated by both men and women. I was talking to a friend of mine and she’s been bugging me about writing something regarding the proper etiquette in meeting a woman because of her experience at the Park last week, a Negro hangout spot in DC, wherein she claims she was grabbed about like a rag doll the entire time. I wasn’t there but seems plausible. See, the whole grabbing thing is bad macking. There’s a ton of things actually which are bad macking, and we know they’re bad macking. We do them anyway, either because we’re lazy, or because it’s just what’s done. Now, a caveat. I’m not Mystery from the Pick-Up artist. I’m not a professional mack. I’m probably not even a particularly good one. But I have been fortunate enough to have dated what I think are some of the most quality women in this country. Really great women who I’m glad to have shared time with. And as a fairly newly single person, re-entering a new(ish) city, this is a good exercise for me as well. That said, summer’s about to be over. Folks ain’t trying to be out in these streets like that in the Cold November Rain. The time for action is now, my friends (John McCain voice). So here are some brief tips:

1. Choose your stage: The boy Jozen wrote an excellent piece a few days ago on places where the fine women are. I know “the club” is the default place to meet and mack women, but go back carefully and look at your dating history. How many women that you’ve actually had sustainable successful relationships did you actually meet “in the club?”  As a rule, the club was not created for people to meet each other and form romantic relationships. The club was designed for people with menial careers to go somewhere and live out their high school fantasies of being popular and important. The club is merely the adult version of a grade school playground, with the same social hierarchies, jockeying for position, and attempts at making oneself seem more important. And real talk, it’s not that easy to form a lasting bond or impression when you’re five Tequilas down, she’s three Long Islands up, and Gucci Mane and Jeezy are yelling for you to be ignorant at ear-shattering volumes. Beyond that, many of OUR people (elitism) shun the club because we realy don’t need or want to spend a whole lot of time wading through people who won’t get us in the hope that someone else of our stature has similarly lowered themselves to come here.

The truth of the matter is, the whole world is a proverbial ho stroll. You just have to figure out where the women you want are at and end up there. The key being to not waste a whole lot of time and effort going to places where your constituency doesn’t exist. A few of good places:

1. The hardware store: Women here tend to own homes, or at least keep their apartments nice

2. Midday downtown: These broads have jobs and go to lunch. Like shooting fish in a barrel

3. Whole Foods: Women here care about their health and well-being

4. Book Stores/Coffee Shops: They can read

These places also work well, because there’s a built in conversation. What are you reading? Oh, I love Barilla Pasta. Are you painting your bedroom that color? Boom, easy.

Many Men to meet, Much fat to chew

2. Presentation You never get a second chance to make a first impression is the old saying. And when people think game, they think mouthpiece. Enh. Wrong. Game begins the moment you walk in somewhere. 70% or something of communication is non-verbal. The play doesn’t start at the point you’ve mustered up the liquor courage to go deliver that brilliant opening line of yours. How you look, your posture, your body language determine where you start on the field. Now you can come through with one of those Devin Hester returns for the TD, in which case all you have to do when you open your mouth is kick the extra point….

orrrrrr you can get a whole lot of penalty flags and try to dig your way out from your own goal line. Which would you prefer? Right. I’m a fan of simplicity myself. The Affliction tattoo t-shirts and the big skull belt buckles and all that, it may work some places, but I find a nice watch, some good quality shoes, and a white or black button up does the job every time with the crowd I’m going for. Me being me, I also enjoy a tacky but very well cut blazer in some material or color not found in nature. That’s just what works for me. I was actually at an event this weekend, and in the middle of our conversation, the young lady looked directly down at my shoes. Like unapologetically. She approved. Personal style is a personal deal, so whatever you feel comfortable in, do that. If you feel comfortable, you’ll act comfortable. And no woman can’t dig that. Dressing well doesn’t have to be expensive. It’s a recession, there’s always a sale on somewhere. Also, wearing a three piece suit in a lounge on Saturday with Versace shades typically makes women think you’re pretentious, not business-like. At least loosen the tie.

YOU could be part of this stable. Choose, bi**h!

3. Bring Sand to the Beach The best way to get a good deal on a Ferrari is to drive up to the dealership in a Lamborghini. Half the reticence women have about talking to guys (is he lame, crazy, dangerous, broke, etc.) go out the window if you’re with one or more attractive women. You’re pre-approved if you show up with cute chicks.If it’s a velvet rope door situation, again, matching up with some chicks in line makes your night a lot smoother.

4. Pull your balls up Quit whining about how these women act and go interact. Not every conversation has to be a pick up. nd frankly, the most productive conversations are just two people (or more) talking about a subject of mutual interest. If some women are having a conversation, go find out what they hollering about. If you see a girl alone by the bar, smile and say hi. I wave at women all the time. They almost always wave back. And that opens the door to conversation later. But standing on the wall sucking down your drink or waiting for women to pass by to grab them like an Octopus doesn’t really work too well.

5. Be your best self Not what you think she wants to see. You might want to play Mr. Sensitive and she really wants a dude who will “punch her in the throat and tell her it’s time to fuck” (yes, a woman actually did say this was what she wanted in a man. Seriously). Don’t try to get on her level, talk about the things that you’re interested in that she may share. If there’s no commonality, no need to force it or pretend you’re into water polo. Dating is ruthlessly inefficient, and very few of the people we meet are going to be potential long run partners. If you and a woman have some things in common and will get along, it’ll be evident fairly early. You being you will help you click with this person, not hurt it. Showing you’re human and not some self-aggrandizing caricature will do much more to create a bond than just showing off your assets or trying to sell a dream. Feel free to cut your losses with a nice handshake and a “nice to meet you” if it ain’t going nowhere.

Not gonna happen, LeRoy

6. Don’t make a buffoon out of yourself if she’s not responsive. You have no idea why a woman may have rejected you. She may have a dude, an STD she’s embarrassed about, a bad day, or a bad attitude. Or she just may not be into you. Trying to one up her by then getting mad at her or downplaying her is just immature. We’re men, we roll with punches. Stop being all sensitive. You don’t see the Lion badmouthing the gazelle that got away: “You wasn’t that delicious anyway, bitch! With your short ass horns!” Yeah, Mufasa doesn’t really do all that. He just moves on. And it saves him the embarrassment of looking whiny and spiteful, unmannish qualities both.

7. Social macking Realistically, one of the best ways to get to know people is through the people you already know. A lot of women make this something of a precondition, whether they tell you that or not. And since most valuable women don’t have a lot of time, they’re spending it with their existing friends, not aimlessly wandering Adams Morgan or Lenox mall. That said, your reputation becomes exceedingly important in a close knit circle. If you’re trifling, it’ll get around. If you’re fun and caring, it’ll get around too. DC people with your small ass communities, I’m talking to you.

8. No drink buying. This may run counter to a lot of what you may have heard or seen, but don’t buy them girls drinks off the break. Make them earn it. Seriously, if someone needs you to put $12 up to have a conversation with them, the conversation isn’t going to be that good. If things are going well, and you want to do something nice once you’ve established a bond, that’s cool, but I’ve been in situations a million times where you’ll see a guy working hard at the bar plying a chick with drinks, and when he pulls out his phoen to put the number in, he gets that “sorry, I have a boyfriend” routine. Women may say they see drink buying as chivalry, but a lot of them also see it as weakness. If you’re willing to buy them something without any indication of what type of person they are, you’re probably a trick.

Feel free to add your own. This is a learning process for me too.