Toxic Women

Forget him, focus on the ring

Before I get started, the reason I’m using a gender specific term here…is because I’m a guy. So before you get your draws up in a bunch moving your neck around talking about “why he ain’t taking bout toxic men?”, it’s cause I don’t date men. Someone else is thus much more qualified to speak on that subject than I am. It’s not cause I’m sexist. I mean I am sexist, but that has nothing to do with this here topic. I’ll be utilizing my sexism in such upcoming posts as “Why You Shouldn’t Interrupt When Men are Talking,” “Good Women Know their Place: the Kitchen,” and “You ain’t Baked Nothing All Day: Reasons to Divorce Her, Vol I.”

However, today’s topic was inspired by a post Belle had about whether or not Black women know how to date.
In the post, She mentions problems she has whenever she tries to fix up a single female friend of hers with a man:

It happens whenever I suggest to women who complain of not going on a date in ages that they go out with the janitor, the waiter, a mail room man, or whomever is cute with cut arms that are the size of her thigh.

The response is always a list of degrees and awards and accomplishments and there’s always— always— a comment about the man not being on “my level.” (FYI– none of those make you laugh or keep the bed warm.)

This is the first type of toxic woman:

The Equally Yoked-er

You better have a Class A office bldg in your background pic if you want some of this.

This chick. No matter what she’s done or hasn’t done in her life, her expectation of a man is that he be “equally yoked.” Now in the biblical sense, I’m to understand that this means two Christians who share the same faith in Jesus. For her purposes, however, this usually boils down to your resume. I was at a Black Ivy League mixer a couple months back and a friend of mine who’s a cop was talking to a young lady and he was right offended when she asked him “So which Ivy did you go to, or are you one of these interlopers?” Granted, it was an Ivy League mixer, so it wouldn’t be unfair to expect that most people there were in fact Ivy Leaguers, but I think it was the “interloper” comment that didn’t work for him. The “Equally Yoked-er” is obsessed with her potential mate having a checklist of qualifications to make him acceptable. Because the Equally Yoked-er usually has an advanced degree, she believes it would be “settling” or a step down to date someone that doesn’t or went to a school she deems inferior to hers. As I mentioned on Belle’s blog, the problem is this:

We talked a lot about this on a certain young black professional dating forum. What some of these women don’t get is that, for better or worse, educational and professional achievement don’t mean much to men if you’re not good looking. So while you as a multi-degreed sister may value a man’s career and education over his looks, it doesn’t really work the same way for us. Yeah, all things equal, we’ll take an HBS 8 over a Devry 8, but I don’t know too many men choosing a 6 with a Wharton MBA over a fresh out of Howard 9. Just is what it is.

The Equally Yoked-er becomes toxic for herself because she sabotages potential relationships based on criteria that while may be impressive, don’t really correlate with functional relationships. And she becomes toxic to men in two ways. for men that don’t “measure up”, she tends to deride or minimize them. The refrain is always, “I have a law degree, I’m supposed to date the janitor now?” As if there were no middle ground between lawyer and janitor. For those men that do meet her standards, if they’re not interested, she’s the first to yell about how “these arrogant educated black men think they’re god’s gift to women.” In some ways, she fetishizes public accomplishment the same way guys fetishize a Cherokee D’ass size booty. It’s not about the person, it’s about something else.

The Attention Whore

This is bullshit! I said a helicopter for my Sweet 16! Not foreigner, Helicopter!

You all know this one. She NEEDS to be seen, NEEDS men to pay attention to her, and NEEDS to have her existence validated. She’s the one on twitter posting links to her Youstream feed every three minutes or linking up twitpics of her bent over a Bentley when the topic has nothing to do with that so the attention goes to her. She starts off on MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 and ends up on Bridezillas. Whenever the conversation moves to something that’s not about her, she has to reel it back in. She’s toxic because she doesn’t need affection, she needs attention. And she’ll get it where she can find it. Usually, the best way to do that is sexual provocation. Not saying she’s a slut, but….. Until she finally feels validated enough by her quasi-celebrity status, she’s not worth putting a lot of time into, because her focus isn’t on anyone else but her.

The Diva

self-explanatory

Much like the Attention Whore, this one is focused on her, her, her. Her deal is entitlement. She’s never done a kind thing in her life because she feels like people should give her special favor and attention for…well, hell if I know.

The Dreamer

This one alternately has her head in the clouds or up her ass. The dull realities of life don’t really measure up for her, so she creates these fantasy worlds of what things COULD be like without bothering to put in the effort to make them like that. This relates to everything with her. She’s 5’3″ and chubby but thinks she’s going to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Her ideal of marriage is the Cosby Show, and anything short of that just won’t do. Despite the fact that unlike Claire, she’s not a lawyer, and her credits so bad, she’ll never qualify for that Brooklyn Brownstone. The problem is, anything that doesn’t mesh with the fantasy she’s created in her head is a disappointment, regardless of how unlikely it was in the first place, creating eternal frustration.

The Victim

It's all that Marley boy's fault

This woman is perpetually oppressed by everyone. Men, white people, patriarchy, her boss, her health problems. Nothing about this woman’s life seems any fun and since people don’t really find themselves attracted to that, she creates a vicious cycle where people reject her because, well, she’s miserable. This makes her even more miserable. I’ll tell you who was oppressed: My maternal grandmother. She was a domestic in Southern Maryland, which might as well have been Alabama at the time. She had no real formal education, worked herself to the bone to support 12 children (two of whom died young), and was married to a man, my grandfather, who I am to understand was a true and real son of a bitch. And yet, my grandmother was one of the most joyful people I’ve met. She could glean joy from the smallest things. Her kids grew up healthy and right. The Victim could learn something from her.

The Conformist

Must. Not. Upset. The Base.

This woman has never met a social group she didn’t HAVE to fit into. She constantly needs the approval and acceptance of her peers and is loath to have an independent thought or be someone or something that may offend. She usually has a carefully crafted personality and appearance and is quick to judge those who don’t similarly conform. Unfortunately, one wrong move and she’s out in the cold with the same people she was so desperate to impress int he first place.

The Leech

I don't want the Rolls, I just need a ride. And a burger. Mmmmh. Checkers!

While there’s a lot of talk about gold-diggers from a lot of guys in our socio-economic circle, the reality is that for the vast majority of them, professional gold-diggers aren’t giving them the time of day. no ones trying to trap them with a baby or take their houses and cars. What the leech will do however, is use her feminine wiles to slowly drain men for the little things: Dinners, drinks at the club, a light bill here and there. The good thing about the leech is she usually has a pretty good idea of who she an and can’t pull this shit with. So as a man, it’s pretty easy if you just make it known that you’re not that dude to correct this behavior. for the woman herself, this is problematic because she gets a reputation, and even if the guy hasn’t heard about her, he’ll pick up her M.O. pretty quick and put her in a certain category. That category is usually NOT described as wife or girlfriend.

So who’s this post for? Male bloggers get slammed quite a bit for telling women what to do dating-wise. This, at the end of the day, is just one man’s opinion of what types of women I shy away from. There are certain men I assure you are interested in these types of women. I’m just not one of them and most of the guys I know aren’t those guys either. For guys, these are some women you may or may not want to deal with when you see signs. It’s up to you. Use with caution

Faithfully yours,

B St. Arruh